In Lieu of Our Usual Friday Late Night Snark
We cede this space to Ms. Schumer...
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But John Fetterman sometimes pauses and smushes words together. And we can’t have that, now, can we?
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 28, 2022
Note: Sunday is National Candy Corn Day, and you must resist the efforts by the Democrat Party—aided and abetted by Big Skittle, Big Reese, and Big M&M—to win their War on Halloween by eating fistfuls of candy corn now before you get murdered by Hillary Clinton, assisted by illegals from the caravan, in a socialist re-education camp run by Soros, AOC, and leaky Adam Schiff. Also buy lots of gold and MyPillow pillows and whatever Pat Boone is selling today. Or, again—and I can’t stress this enough—you’ll be murdered.
—National MAGA Candy Corn Council, Lauren Boebert, self-appointed honorary president
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next "Eclipsed Beaver Moon": 11
Days 'til the Newberry Pistachio Festival in California: 8
Drop in the stock price this year of the company that owns Snapchat: 80%
Percent chance that Facebook employees no longer get free laundry service as a perk of employment because Zuckerberg's company Meta is tanking: 100%
Age of Jules Bass, producer and director known for Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman, when he died this week: 87
Rank of witch, Spider-Man, and dinosaur among the top Halloween costume ideas, according to Google searches: #1, #2, #3
Minimum number of visitors to Salem, Massachusetts—a town with only 5,000 parking spaces—during the first 16 days of October, up 15% from last year: 500,000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to moving in the right direction. With the final push to the midterms underway, the news for Democrats could scarcely be better. Yesterday we found out that the economy grew at an eye-popping 2.6 percent in the third quarter: great news! Jobs are plentiful to just about anyone who wants one: great news! Gas prices are plunging: great news! Massive investments in infrastructure are underway: great news! Medicaid is bringing down the cost of drugs: great news! Student loans are being forgiven all over the damn place: good news! And over $1.4 billion in loan forgiveness for tens of thousands of farmers: great news! And Republicans who tried to steal the 2020 election are being subpoenaed, depositioned, tried, convicted, and jailed: great news! And then there's this…
The latest Economist/YouGov poll out on Wednesday showed a major swing on the generic ballot compared to the previous week, in the direction of the Democrats.
The poll conducted from October 22 to 25 showed 46% of respondents favoring the Democrats and 42% favoring the Republicans. Tom Bevan of RealClearPolitics noted of the poll, “New Economist/YouGov poll has Dems +4 in the generic congressional ballot, a 5-point swing in their favor over the last week.”
Good news, of course, doesn't guarantee good election results. But it doesn't hurt.
CHEERS to getting off to a good head start. Maine was in the Top 10 in terms of voter turnout during the 2018 midterms (60%), and we damn well aim to top that in 2022. At this point in 2018, around 43,000 ballots had been returned. This time around we appear to be blowing the doors off that, says The Maine Beacon…
Roughly 9.4 million Americans have already voted in the midterm elections, casting a combination of in-person early votes and mail-in ballots, according to data compiled by the United States Elections Project.
In Maine, just over 150,000 mail ballots have been requested with 65,000 returned, as of October 20. … Among early Maine voters, 55% identified as Democrat and 21.4% identified as Republicans with 23.6% claiming to be independent of a member of a minor party.
The usual caveat applies: superior early returns on absentee ballots are good for one thing: a brief moment of braggadocio. I hope the Maine GOP enjoys the pair of underwear I briefly ran up their flagpole.
CHEERS and JEERS to the alma mater of our glorious overlords. On this date in 1636, Harvard University—whose endowment is now worth a mere $53.2 billion—was founded in Cambridge, Massachusetts "by vote of the Great and General Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony, and was named for its first benefactor, John Harvard of Charlestown." Very good Presidents Franklin Roosevelt and Barack Obama went to Harvard. So did very bad President George W. Bush. Very good Senator Elizabeth Warren went to Harvard. So did very bad Senator Ted Cruz. Very good = Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Very bad = Justice Antonin Scalia. Good = Attorney General Loretta Lynch. Bad = Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. And etcetera. So, a mixed record. More study is needed.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CH'CHING to money, money everywhere. No one matched all the numbers in the latest Powerball jackpot, so tonight's pile of cash is worth the equivalent of 800,000,000 99-cent valu-packs of Brach's candy corn (plus tax). If you play, C&J reminds you: please have a snowball's chance in hell responsibly.
CHEERS to the most trusted name in news (well, besides Cronkite and Maddow). 111 years ago this week, Joseph Pulitzer died at 64 aboard his yacht in Charleston, South Carolina, thus ending the life of the "yellow journalism" publisher who was dedicated to looking out for the little guy (if loudly and sensationalistically):
Previously the press usually spoke for the moneyed interests, but this new strain of journalism supported labor, attacked trusts and monopolies, and exposed scandal, fraud and corruption, both public and private.
At a time when journalism was not considered a respectable way of earning a living, Pulitzer was committed to raising the standards of the profession.
Today the best and the brightest in journalism are celebrated with the coveted "Pulitzer," which comes in a lovely velvet display case. And when I depart this earth I plan to leave behind a foundation that will recognize the most dimwitted and dishonest. I'm calling it the "Poolitzer" and it'll come in a lovely doggie-doo bag. The inaugural Poolitzer ceremony will make history. It'll be the first time the world ever hears the words, "And the winner is: Fox News."
CHEERS to home vegetation. If a poltergeist doesn't suck us into the TV first ("Come into the light, Billeh! We haz teh candy corns!"), we might get some decent cathode-ray-tubage in this weekend.
Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew start by haunting us with the day’s news roundup. Or you can live-tweet the classic Star Trek episode The Tholian Web with me at 8 (H&I Network) at hashtag #allstartrek. Utah senate candidate Evan McMullin, who is trying to unseat the sicko Putin-loving incumbent Mike Lee, is the guest on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30. New movies and streaming releases include Cate Blanchett’s Tar and the documentary Let There Be Drums. Game one of the World Series is tonight (Fox), with the Houston Astros tied with the Philadelphia Phillies at zero games apiece. (Game 2 is tomorrow night and game 3 is Monday.) The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here.
Jack Harlow hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: reports on the hash that Republicans have made of our belief in the integrity of our voting system, and a profile of David Sedaris. At 8, Fox airs installment XXXIII of Treehouse of Horror on The Simpsons, and Peter makes a hologram of himself to get out of household chores on Family Guy. And HBO sweeps the rest of Sunday night with another chorus of "Welcome, welcome, welcome!" on an all-new edition of John Oliver's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA; the pundit “round” table will be the same shape as Chuck Todd’s dumb head Ha Ha Ha Ha.
This Week: Sen. Rick Ssssscott (The Cult-FL); ABC News political director Rick Klein with midterm numbers; ABC News Chief Medical Correspondent Jennifer Ashton on the state of abortion access in America; the pundit “round” table will be full of “squares” Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Face the Nation: Reps. Sean Patrick Maloney (D-NY) and Tim Emmer (The Cult-MN); Director of the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency Jen Easterly; Anthony Salvanto with polling updates; the pundit “round” table will be full of nerds trying to “triangulate” Ha Ha Ha Ha.
CNN's State of the Union: North Carolina senate candidate Cheri Beasley (D); Sen Rick Scott (The Cult-FL); the pundit “round” table will smell like a “dirty dodecahedron” that needs a bath Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA; the pundit “round” table will be full of “Q”uadrilateral conspiracy theories Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 28, 2012
CHEERS to givesie backsies. Another MASSIVE VICTORY for President Obama's foreign policy! Mexico is very happy with us today:
More than 4,000 archaeological artifacts looted from Mexico and seized in the U.S. have been returned to Mexican authorities in what experts say is one of the largest such repatriations between the countries. The items returned Thursday mostly date from before European explorers landed in North America and include items from hunter-gatherers in pre-Columbian northern Mexico.
One obsolete relic of a bygone era Mexico refused to take back: the Romneys. Oh, well. It was worth a try.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the fed-up female. On tomorrow's date in 1966, the National Organization for Women (NOW) held its first conference and adopted its original Statement of Purpose in Washington D.C. That purpose: to help reduce the extent to which men are allowed to act like pigs...
We, men and women who hereby constitute ourselves as the National Organization for Women, believe that the time has come for a new movement toward true equality for all women in America, and toward a fully equal partnership of the sexes, as part of the world-wide revolution of human rights now taking place within and beyond our national borders.
The purpose of NOW is to take action to bring women into full participation in the mainstream of American society now, exercising all the privileges and responsibilities thereof in truly equal partnership with men.
We believe the time has come to move beyond the abstract argument, discussion and symposia over the status and special nature of women which has raged in America in recent years; the time has come to confront, with concrete action, the conditions that now prevent women from enjoying the equality of opportunity and freedom of choice which is their right, as individual Americans, and as human beings.
Today NOW is “the largest organization of feminist grassroots activists in the United States” with “actions and positions on the issues that are principled, uncompromising and often ahead of their time.” We completely agree. But as usual, ladies, tonight I'm still gonna open the door for ya.
Have a great weekend. Please spare a thought or two for the Pelosi family as Nancy’s husband Paul recovers from that asshole MAGAt attack. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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