This is a satirical story based on the thought experiment of how the “liberal” or traditional media would respond, as well as the libertarian “left,” to reports of an attempted assassination of a top-ranking Republican figure by someone with left-wing leanings. Since Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s husband Paul Pelosi was attacked, the news media has covered the event sparingly, Republican candidates have made jokes at Speaker Pelosi and her husband’s expense, and the right-wing media has pushed baseless “speculation” concerning the details of the events and how they unfolded.
Donald Trump has promoted the fact-free conspiracy theories as well. The coverage of this, and how profoundly divisive it is, has been tepid at best. The New York Times heavily covered and gave large swaths of front-page real estate to stories about Hillary Clinton’s “emails” back in 2016, but somehow smothered this attempted assassination story in a single corner panel, with a smaller photo than the obituary picture of Jerry Lee Lewis. Pelosi remained in the hospital for almost one week after undergoing surgery to repair his skull fracture and other injuries sustained in the attack.
Elaine Chao, the former secretary of transportation under disgraced President Donald Trump and wife of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, remains in the hospital, having sustained a skull fracture and other injuries after being attacked in her home by a man wielding a hammer. According to early reports, the man’s social media presence is filled with conspiracy theories relating to McConnell and Chao’s relationship to a shadowy shipping company and Donald Trump’s intimate relationship with Jeffrey Epstein. The suspect also promoted imagery of the “Blue Wave” and “Resistance” movements
Political leaders from both parties have held press conferences roundly condemning the actions of the suspect, and Fox News Business has changed its programming to running a 24-hour vigil with an image of a candle burning while selections from Wagner’s Rienzi play in the background. CNN has dedicated 23 of the past 24 hours of its coverage to the attack, with 30 minutes dedicated to covering midterm election races in California, Florida, and Michigan, 10 minutes to weather events around the country, and 20 minutes covering whether or not Elon Musk is still friendly with Jeff Bezos.
MSNBC and CNN have also said they are collaborating on a town hall-style event with Chuck Schumer and Liz Cheney to talk about the divisiveness in our country. Tentatively titled “America the Purple,” Cheney has promised not to bring up the events of Jan. 6, 2021.
The New York Times dedicated the front page of its last two editions of the paper to full coverage of the attack. A.G. Sulzberger has said that the newspaper’s Sunday edition will have multi-angled approaches, with portrait photography of McConnell and other GOP leadership done by Annie Leibovitz. A full photo essay will be featured in the Sunday magazine, as well.
Responses from around the political world have been coming in. Democratic representatives like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez have said that violence on either side is not a justifiable answer to political disagreements. Speaker Nancy Pelosi introduced a resolution condemning the actions of Chao’s assailant. The resolution passed with all 224 Democratic members of the House and 13 Republicans voting in favor, while 45 Republicans voted against the resolution and 135 voted absent. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy offered up a vague statement of support for the Senate minority leader and then ducked into the congressional elevator while pretending he couldn’t hear the rest of the questions being asked by reporters.
In Arizona, Republican gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake told an audience of preschool-aged children she had trapped in a gymnasium that the Democratic Party wanted to put fentanyl in candy. Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer released a statement saying that she was thinking about Ms. Chao and knew personally how frightening this kind of domestic terrorism can be for a person and their loved ones.
Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas told Fox News’ Greg Gutfeld that his thoughts and prayers are with the McConnell/Chao family but that this would not sway him from filing a new piece of legislation requiring state governments to have the National Guard occupy Chinatown districts of major U.S. cities like San Francisco and New York. Rep. Jim Jordan of Ohio had not released a statement as of the writing of this article. A spokesperson from his office said he was waiting to hear back from Donald Trump before proceeding.
Sen. Ted Cruz spoke directly into a mirror for three hours straight, calling out Democratic leaders for creating this violent political environment. His argument was that the Jan. 6. committee and former President Barack Obama made people feel bad for being fascists and racists and made people who were less racist really angry against the more racist people who vote for Ted Cruz.
Donald Trump has also released this statement:
Me and Melania were saddened to hear about the attack on Senator McConnell’s lovely wife Elaine “Coco” Chao. As many of you know Elaine was my Secretary of Transportation and we did wonderful things together. While I have not always agreed with Sen. McConnell on the direction of my the Republican Party, I did keep his wife in my cabinet for four years.
Moving.
On a serious note, during the writing of this article, Axios reports that Paul Pelosi has been released from a San Francisco hospital, almost one week after the attack.