How anyone could have voted for Donald Trump after he tried to prove his preternatural intellect by insisting he can tell the difference between a camel and a rhinoceros and Joe Biden can’t is still difficult to fathom, but 74 million wayward souls did just that.
Maybe we should have stopped being surprised about all the things Trump doesn’t know after he suggested bleach injections were the best way to keep Frederick Douglass from dying of COVID-19 (that’s how I choose to remember it, anyway), but it still boggles the mind how pig-ignorant he was about matters pertaining to his own supposed job.
And yet a failed coup and a violent insurrection were committed in his name. The House Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack on the United States Capitol has been dropping transcripts from its many, many interviews with folks in Trumpworld, and they’re quite revelatory, as were the hearings.
RELATED STORY: The January 6 committee transcripts
But you won’t effin’ believe this one. Or maybe you will. Perhaps I should say, you wouldn’t effin’ believe it if it were a story about anyone else. But Donald J. Trump?
Yeah, this totally tracks.
On Tuesday, the Jan. 6 committee released 17 transcripts of witness testimony. One daffy dollop of derpity-derp stood out among the 168 pages of documents.
Talking Points Memo:
During his lengthy testimony before the committee, Judd Deere, the White House deputy press secretary for the Trump administration, revealed former President Donald Trump did not know his schedule was public until a few weeks before the end of his presidency.
“Every evening we prepared and released a daily guidance for the following day of the President’s public schedule. Beginning sometime around mid to late December, the President discovered that, for the first time, my understanding, that we released a public schedule of his to the public,” Deere told the committee.
Once Trump learned his schedule was released to the public, he wanted to change the way his staff wrote it, Deere testified.
Shouldn’t Trump have noticed this little nugget of information in his White House orientation packet? Maybe he was too distracted by the magically delicious paper it was printed on.
RELATED STORY: Jan. 6 report: Highlights from the latest batch of transcripts released by the select committee
According to Deere, after Trump discovered he was being watched, the public details of his day became far less specific, and his activities would frequently be presented in “boilerplate” language. For instance, Trump told the White House press office to release statements saying he would “work from early in the morning until late in the evening” and “make many calls and have many meetings”—because if he was ever to cut the ETA for his fabulous health care plan down from two weeks to a week and six days, he would need to put in some serious flop-sweat equity. That’s just common sense.
“And so what became the new version of the public schedule was basically a couple of sentences about what his day would consist of rather than specific times and titles of events in an outline form,” Deere stated.
Of course, much of Trump’s public schedule had long consisted of vague generalities. We all remember his morning “executive time,” which remained largely clouded in mystery. Who knows what he was doing during these very important “executive” sessions? It could have been anything from eating Egg McMuffins in bed to eating Sausage McMuffins on the toilet to eating Sausage McMuffins With Egg while being languorously sponge-bathed by Reince Priebus.
Based on reports from earlier in his presidency, it appears that Trump didn’t actually start “work” until 11:30 or so in the morning.
Trump, an early riser, usually spends the first 5 hours of the day in Executive Time. Each day's schedule places Trump in "Location: Oval Office" from 8 to 11 a.m.
- But Trump, who often wakes before 6 a.m., is never in the Oval during those hours, according to six sources with direct knowledge.
- Instead, he spends his mornings in the residence, watching TV, reading the papers, and responding to what he sees and reads by phoning aides, members of Congress, friends, administration officials and informal advisers.
Okay, Donny. We believe you’re working. Feckless, shambolic evil is a full-time job, after all.
RELATED STORY: The Cassidy Hutchinson transcripts: 'They will ruin my life'
Of course, Trump still claims he wants to return to the job that he never learned how to do or expressed any serious interest in doing. And it’s always possible that 74 million Americans—or more—will be bamboozled again. But in the end it’s hard to believe a con of this magnitude could succeed twice.
Donny should just stick with NFTs. Petty, carny-level scams are his wheelhouse. And needless to say, no one will give a shit what he’s doing with his mornings anymore.
Though it’s impossible not to imagine what little nuggets of Trumpian inanity are buried in the other transcripts. For example, Thursday’s batch—of 19!—includes America’s least-favorite and loudest heirs to the golden throne: Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle.
RELATED STORY: Jan. 6 committee releases 19 witness transcripts including interviews with Trump Jr., Ray Epps
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.