Monday Schedule: Justice Samuel Alito
6am – 8:30am Wake up; breakfast served hot and punctual by the wife; praise the Christian Lord; log in with pseudonym to own libs on twitter with memes; kick cat
8:30am – 9:00am Ride to work hoisted atop Roman shield carried by scantily-clad “foetus incubators”
9:00am – 10am Work on draft ruling canceling all gay marriages
10:00am – 10:30am Evil cackle practice
10:30am – 11:45am Call Taliban to congratulate them on new head-to-toe burkha rule, then work on draft canceling U.S. women's freedom to dress themselves
11:45am – 2:15pm Lunch with the corporate boys. Today's excuse for stiffing servers: "I don’t tip your kind."
Continued...
2:15pm Call the wife to remind it of early arrival home, so have my pipe, slippers and dinner ready by 5:49
2:16pm – 4pm Preside over secret witch trial and, if she floats, impose death penalty
4pm – 5pm Notice that oxygen and water are not mentioned in the Constitution; write first-draft of ruling turning all breathing and drinking allowances to corporations, with small exception carved out for straight white Christians.
5pm Ride home in gilded carriage pulled by the blacks while working on draft ruling canceling interracial marriage
5:30pm – 6:30pm Pipe, slippers, whiskey sours, supper; family fawning over Daddy time; kick cat
7pm – 11pm Federalist Society poker night (Star Chamber 4, as blood is still being cleaned off walls in Chamber 3)
Midnight Thank Angry God for creating white Christian nation; dream happy dreams of minority voter suppression
Schedule subject to change if unexpected opportunities for cruelty pop up. God Bless America.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, May 9, 2022
Note: Lint screens will fly at half staff today for National Lost Sock Memorial Day. They left us too early, darn them.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next full moon: 7
Days 'til Hawaii's Big Island Chocolate Festival: 4
Increase in hourly wages from a year ago, according to the Labor Dept.: 5.5%
Amount Intuit has to pay back to TurboTax users because of deceptive advertising: $141 million
Amount unscrupulous Republican political campaigns have to pay back to donors because of deceptive advertising: $0
Amount a Texas woman paid at a Goodwill store for "a stunning statue" that turned out to be an ancient Roman bust that was over 2,000 years old: $35
Total number of errors made in the 1886 World Series when the St. Louis Browns beat the Chicago White Stockings 4 games to 2: 63
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Nom nom nom nom...
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CHEERS to jobs, jobs, jobs! (Or as Fox News describes it, since it's good news: "Nothing, nothing, nothing to see here.") If nothing else (and there's plenty else), President Biden has lorded over one hell of an employment comeback since taking office 16 months ago. The latest jobs report (+428,000) was released by the Labor Department via confetti cannon on Friday. Bill McBride at Calculated Risk says we reached a milestone last month:
This was another solid report. Excluding leisure and hospitality, the economy has added back all the jobs lost at the beginning of the pandemic. Leisure and hospitality gained 78 thousand jobs in April. At the beginning of the pandemic, in March and April of 2020, leisure and hospitality lost 8.20 million jobs, and are now down 1.44 million jobs since February 2020. So, leisure and hospitality has now added back about 83% all of the jobs lost in March and April 2020.
Construction employment increased 2 thousand and is now 4 thousand above the pre-pandemic level. […] The headline unemployment rate was unchanged at 3.6%.
And once again we find ourselves asking: what about the Republicans in Congress who keep claiming that the Covid relief checks we got would just create a generation of moochers and takers and slackers? Oh, right…the masters of projection were just talking about themselves. The one thing at which they excel.
JEERS to maddening, morbid milestones. Remember when the previous president—a Republican whose followers still insist was chosen by God—assured us when Covid-19 broke out that "You have 15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero”? And then remember when we hit 50,000 deaths in April of 2020, and the previous president (plus all the Republican governors not located in the northeast) said relax, everything's under control as long as we all just shove some UV light up our butts, inject some bleach into our veins, burn our masks, and swallow some livestock de-worming paste? And for reasons no one can explain, remember how it all spiraled out of control? A refresher...
May 2020: 100,000 deaths
September 2020: 200,000 deaths
December 2020: 300,000 deaths
January 2021: 400,000 deaths
February 2021: 500,000 deaths
June 2021: 600,000 deaths
November 2021: 700,000 deaths
December 2021: 800,000 deaths
February 2022: 900,000 deaths
And now, two years and change later, here we are: as of last Wednesday there have officially been at least 1 million deaths from Covid-19 in the United States, roughly the equivalent of the population of our 10th-largest city (San Jose), and mostly taking dimwit Republicans who chose the least-effective vaccine known as "Jesus." Which, not coincidentally, is the word I'll be muttering to myself also for the millionth time today.
JEERS to that nagging itch of futility. 21 years ago this week, John Paul II became the first pope to enter a mosque. He called for greater harmony between Christians and Muslims. Gee, that's going swell, don’t you think?
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to great moments in history. 227 years ago, the self-flushing toilet was patented. To quickly drain a bunch of turds from your building, you just pulled a chain. We’ve come a long way with plumbing since then, of course. But if you want to If you want to witness the same effect to commemorate the anniversary, just go to Fox News headquarters and pull the fire alarm.
CHEERS to joining the coolest club in Clubland. I must say, this whole Rock and Roll Hall of Fame fad seems to have some staying power. The 37th annual inductees were announced last week, and this year’s batch is heavy on pop with a little bit ‘o country:
Congrats to all the inductees, who will formally get their scepters and sashes in November. But, once again, C&J must object—as we have every year since inductions began in 1986—to the continued snub of musical supernova Shaun Cassidy, who made the world safe for slightly-askew painter's caps. It's becoming increasingly difficult to tamp down the bitterness. Help us, President Biden...you’re our only hope.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 9, 2012
CHEERS to Kum By Yah in the northeast. With all the economic turmoil, stand-your-ground laws, and paranoia that President Obama wants to take away everyone's guns, you'd think that our country would be exploding in violence. So this sentence may come as a surprise: The United States is more peaceful now than at any time in the past 20 years. That's according to a new report from the Institute for Economics and Peace, which calculated "peace rankings" for each state based on three groups:
The first group includes rates of violent crimes such as robbery and aggravated assault, as well as the rates of homicide in each state. The second group relates to the institutions used to prevent violence and is measured by the number of police per capita and the number of incarcerated residents per capita. The third includes the availability of small arms.
The least peaceful state is Louisiana. The most peaceful state, for the 12th year in a row? Maine. Disclaimer: once the human-lobster hybrids hatch and launch the rebellion, all bets are off.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars Star Wars!!!!
Sorry. Reflex. Happens whenever a new official trailer comes out. This is the new one for the Obi Wan Kenobi series coming to the evil Disney Plus, with Hayden Christensen returning as Darth Vader, new evil imperial baddies (Hisssss!!!), some kid as Luke Skywalker, and John Williams writing the main theme YES I SAID JOHN WILLIAMS OMG OMG OMG!!!
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May the Force be with it in—[checks watch]—18 days.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
”Some people will dismiss Cheers and Jeers as nonsense, and they could have a point.”
—Nicholas Barber
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