So, I’ve never been a big slasher movie guy, are there ones where the Attractive Vacationing Youths find themselves locked up with, like, hordes of heavily-armed morons? Gibbering idiots, incapable of so much as processing objective reality, yet still imbued with furious, fanatical, murderous certainty? I feel like such a genre would thrive in the current climate.
Forgive me, I’m a little grumpy tonight, I’m all but completely incapacitated by the hangover I don’t have from celebrating the political demise of the Cheney family. My head should be throbbing right now. My blood type should be Kölsch. But noooooooo, Wyoming voters didn’t reject Liz Cheney by a 40-point margin over her plutocrat economics or her daddy’s war crimes, but because she defended democracy, and in doing so blasphemed against their festering shitpile god. Which actually isn’t awesome at all.
Once again, ascendant American fascism is the turd in our punchbowl.
And fuck everyone involved for making me want, shit, making me ache for “the Republican Party of Liz Cheney.” The Republican Party of Liz Cheney was room temperature dog poo on stale toast, and I MISS IT SO MUCH FUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU.
Because the rapidly congealing consensus is that the Marm-a-Lago raid is a political positive for Off-Brand Orbán, tightening his tiny-fisted grip on the rage-warped idiot death cult known as the GOP. I guess they’re looking to beef up that otherwise nonexistent platform with populist policy proposals like This One Game Show Host Should Be Allowed to Commit Any Crime He Likes, Up To And Including Theft of Nuclear Secrets.
Cult45 is actually showering the crooked bastard with donations right now, (which is rude, frankly; everyone knows he prefers hooker piss) while somehow making time in an already jam-packed death threat-sending schedule (more on that in a minute) for the FBI.
In short, what’s left of MAGA nation following natural selection’s recent team-up with ivermectin is dumber, angrier, and crazier than ever. Unless the great resignation takes a turn, and thirty or forty million of us decide to take up cult deprogramming, I imagine we’re in for a pretty freaky ride in the days to come.
Just how freaky? Well, former CIA Director Michael Hayden approvingly shared a tweet from columnist Edward Luce, reading “I’ve covered extremism and violent ideologies around the world over my career. Have never come across a political force more nihilistic, dangerous & contemptible than today’s Republicans. Nothing close.” It’s hard to disagree. And you have to figure, in Hayden’s line of work, one encounters a fair amount of nihilistic/dangerous/contemptible types.
Hard to think of three words that suit this oozing clump of rectal tumors better, honestly, though I would also be willing to accept “gullible” or “malodorous.”
But let’s focus on “dangerous” for a minute. You’ve probably noticed a bumper crop of columns n’ think pieces lately, on America’s growing right-wing political violence problem, many of which take on the “welp, guess this is life now” tone that only surfaces in history’s healthiest democracies.
‘Course, if you asked the fashy agitators down in Trumpworld, they’d tell you the trouble is there’s not enough violence. They’re threatening to reveal the identities of the FBI agents dispatched to reclaim the government’s stolen property, while demanding the unmasking of the witnesses who provided DoJ with the evidence necessary to procure the warrant, because there’s a whole legion of Ricky Shiffers waiting in the wings, hoping to become America’s Next “Lone Wolf” Terrorist.
But I’m sure the vanquished Velveeta Vulgarian’s offers to “reduce the heat” are sincere. As sincere as his wedding vows.
Certainly nobody else in the GOP got the memo. (Perhaps the FBI seized it?) New York congressional candidate Carl Paladino wants to execute Merrick Garland, while Mark Finchem, the party’s nominee for Arizona Secretary of State, and card-carrying Oath Keeper, kept a “treason watch list” on Pinterest, which really oughta be the very first thing that pops up when you google “the banality of evil.”
Anyway, until they get their marching orders from the Emperor of Hemorrhoids and Crotchrot, th’base will just have to content themselves with terrorizing the staff at Boston Children’s Hospital, the latest target of stochastic terror influencer Chaya Raichik, via her vile “LibsofTikTok” Twitter account. Everybody’s gettin’ their reps in, see.
Meanwhile, music ground to a halt at the fascist debutante ball that is Ron DeSantis’ governorship, when a federal judge partially blocked his “Stop WOKE Act,” (yes, he really calls it that, being seven years old emotionally) because the First Amendment is still a thing, or at least it was when I published this post; I don’t want to get cocky without access to Kavanaugh’s to-do list.
Still, book-burning remains nearly as popular on the Right as sending death threats to children’s hospital doctors. If any of these thought police types were capable of handling criticism, or, y’know…learning, I might casually suggest that when you ban The Diary of Anne Frank, certain conclusions will be drawn, but I imagine there are more productive uses for my time.*
Turns out Lauren Boebert didn’t marry the warm, thoughtful, well-liked literature professor you’ve no doubt always pictured, but rather a rampaging drunk who picks fights with neighbors and runs over their mailboxes and such. There’re Palins everywhere, of course; most folks just know better than to vote for ‘em.
Turdmaggot Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg pleaded guilty to fifteen felony charges, joining the long and lengthening list of confessed and/or convicted criminals in a certain Deposed Dotard’s inner circle, including Paul Manafort, Roger Stone, Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn, Michael Cohen, Steve Bannon, George Nader, Rick Gates, and even little Georgie Papaderpaderp, remember him, anyway, there’s obviously no way any law enforcement action against a guy who’s surrounded himself with felons for decades could possibly be legitimate, see you at the civil war.
Weisselberg will be testifying against the company as part of his plea deal, so I imagine Wee Donnie One-Term wishes he could get a semi-competent lawyer or two to represent him, which he categorically cannot. Yeah, being King of the Losers looks really cool, until you actually need something done professionally. You can incite a whole-ass murder mob, sure, but what fucking good are they, if they can’t even lynch one teensy-weensy Vice President?
Maybe he can hire Rand Paul, who believes he’s stumbled onto the solution to all of Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s legal woes: simply repeal the laws he broke! After interminable years of listening to the dipshit Paul clan shoot their fool mouths off about shit they don’t understand, (which is everything) I’m more convinced than ever that the sole function of libertarianism, as a philosophy, is to aid mediocre men in their lifelong quest to ignore the clown makeup staring back at them from every mirror.
Anyway, there’s gotta be a supply-side problem when it comes to attorneys who’re simultaneously experts in sedition law and indifferent to the idea of getting paid, especially considering recent legal setbacks for Lindsey Graham, Eric Herschmann, and ol’ Trenchmouth McCousinfucker himself, who is not just a witness, but a target in the Fulton County investigation.
Getting back to Mikey Hairshirt, he says he’s willing to “consider” testifying before the January 6th commission, which I guess almost counts as bravery in the spineless cuckwad that comprises the Party of Lincoln these days. Show me on the doll where he made you abandon EVERY FUCKING PRINCIPLE YOU EVER FUCKING HAD EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS, Mike.
Turns out a Sidney “The Krackhead” Powell-led effort to illicitly procure sensitive election data was much more extensive, and (yikes) successful than previously known, because we’re trapped in this mega-fun moment in history where even the past gets scarier. Yay.
It was an especially obscene week for post-Dobbs horror stories, between the woman forced to carry an unviable, indeed partially headless fetus because PRO LIFE, and the Florida court that ruled a 16-year-old is insufficiently mature to qualify for the basic human right to bodily autonomy, which is just life-y as all get-out. Life life life. Much lifier than those heathen days when we didn’t deploy the power of the state to torture quite so many women. It’s a regular life-a-palooza out there.
Sending my best Jeremiah Johnson nod to Dwight Garner at the Failing New York Times, for his review of Jared Kushner’s silly, self-aggrandizing, new “book,” even though it doesn’t have enough swears for my taste. Should the last, fraying thread of my sanity finally snap, I may offer Dwight my blog before I run, screaming, into the night.
Against the backdrop of so much frankly terrifying shit, I’m almost grateful for the ongoing misadventures of bumbling telegrifter Mehmet Oz, who’ll soon have plenty of time to go crudité-hopping between his ten homes, once he wraps up this unpaid internship on the Fetterman campaign. Y’know, I may never be a millionaire or a celebrity or a Senator, but at least I can get in and out of a grocery store without driving a steamroller over my own nutsack.
Jesus. Even after all these years, I confess I’m still blown away by how very, very stupid all of this is. Sigh. Well, stay safe out there, folks…stupid has a way of turning dangerous real quick lately.
*Like drinking.
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