The one decent thing Mitch McConnell ever did—call B.S. on Donald Trump’s election fraud folderol—has made him a lifelong enemy of the anthropomorphic Underoo stain, who is arguably the most indecent thing ever to disgorge from Satan’s psychedelic sphincter.
And now Trump, whose one major legislative accomplishment was signing an upper-class tax cut and then brazenly lying to his know-nothing hordes about it, is sniping from the sidelines as President Joe Biden secures vital infrastructure funding to help us modernize and green our economy, and set us up to compete in a world that’s increasingly leaving fossil fuels behind.
But Trump hates progress. And now that it’s illegal in many states to terminate a pregnancy—thanks to the Federalist Society goons he put on the Supreme Court—he’s here to blast as many fetus-confounding chemicals into the atmosphere as possible.
Step one in establishing his thousand-year Trumpian reich? Eliminating any and all nonloyalists.
Which is why we get craptacular takes like this:
For the non nontweeters!
“The Democrats have Mitch McConnell and his lovely wife, Elaine ‘Coco’ Chao, over a barrel. He and she will never be prosecuted, as per the latest paragraphs of this story, as long as he continues to give the Radical Left the Trillions and Trillions of Dollars that they constantly DEMAND. He was afraid to use the ‘Debt Ceiling Card’ in order to stop the most expensive waste of money in our Country’s history to be spent on the Green New Deal, which will only cause one thing, a Depression. These expenditures are something our Country can never recover from. Mitch McConnell is not an Opposition Leader, he is a pawn for the Democrats to get whatever they want. He is afraid of them, and will not do what has to be done. A new Republican leader should be picked immediately!”
Okay, so which part of the Elaine Chao slam is weirder? The fact that he kept this woman he clearly hates in his cabinet for four years, or that he’s given her a nickname that makes no sense to anyone? Honestly, I’ve been Googling this for several minutes, and no one has a clue. It’s almost like someone made a snowman out of crushed Adderall, placed Frosty’s enchanted hat on its head, and told it to type up three column inches on Mitch McConnell. “Stream of consciousness is fine; just make sure your capitalization is completely random and that you throw in some totally unsupported, histrionic claims about long-overdue investments in modern infrastructure somehow leading to a ruinous capital-D Depression.”
So what’s melting the makeup off Trump’s mug this time? Well, he’s been mad at McConnell ever since he said Trump was responsible for the Jan. 6 Capitol insurrection. And on Saturday at Goof Social, Trump took a swipe at McConnell and Chao after McConnell appeared to bemoan the shitty quality of Trump’s stable of handpicked candidates:
“Why do Republicans Senators allow a broken down hack politician, Mitch McConnell, to openly disparage hard working Republican candidates for the United States Senate. This is such an affront to honor and to leadership. He should spend more time (and money!) helping them get elected, and less time helping his crazy wife and family get rich on China!”
Again, why would Trump keep a “crazy” person in a cabinet position for four years? You can rest assured no one from the “liberal” press will ever ask him that, since they’re currently busy scouring the countryside for the nation’s highest-priced gas. But I’d say it’s a pretty legitimate question!
But let’s not lose sight of Trump’s true motivation: He’s a wad of pure, goopy id with no impulse control, who squeals like a baby pig whenever the universe fails to bend to his infantile whims.
By the way, the story Trump appears to be referencing in his latest
tweet Truth random assortment of words and punctuation marks? It’s a rambling far-right rant in The Federalist with a headline that begins with the ocher abomination’s favorite three words: “Trump Was Right.”
Fuck you, Trump, for making me side with not only Liz Cheney, but the Old-Age Mutant Gingivitis Turtle himself. I don’t really believe in evil as a discrete phenomenon that can be explained outside of a purely materialistic, neurological context, but goddamn, you’re making a pretty convincing argument for it.
Oh, and if you’d like to ensure Mitch McConnell only has a chance to be the Senate minority leader, be sure to help our candidates keep the Senate by donating at this link.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.