Late Night Snark: Mid-September Mishmash Edition
"More than half of all Republican candidates who will be on the ballot in November have either questioned the legitimacy of Joe Biden's victory or actively tried to overturn the results. How is this a thing? There is literally no evidence of any kind of fraud. Secretaries of state from both parties certified the results in every state, and yet these lowlifes continue with this lie. It's the dumbest thing. It's like, imagine if over half the Republican nominees believed that chicken is a vegetable, and just said that's it. This is exactly as dumb as that."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"According to the latest numbers from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, gas prices have decreased for 89 consecutive days. Or as Fox News reported it: Biden leaves oil markets in shambles."
—Seth Meyers
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Diapers on heads, please.
"There's good news from Ukraine. Over the last week their armed forces reclaimed crucial areas in a fierce counterattack that could signal a turning point in the war. Some are saying it shatters Russia's reputation as a military superpower. But don’t you worry, Russia. You'll always have your reputation as an endless wasteland littered with clinically-depressed root vegetables."
—Stephen Colbert
"Obviously, we need to start with the U.K., which is still reeling from the shocking death of a 96-year-old woman from natural causes. But the queen's death is sadly not the only traumatic event Britain has had to deal with this week. Liz Truss, basically Margaret Thatcher if she were high on glue, became the new prime minister."
—John Oliver
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"Today the World Health organization said that the end of the pandemic is in sight. Johnson & Johnson was like, 'We did it!' And Pfizer and Moderna were like, 'Yeah. We.'"
—Jimmy Fallon
"That pillow dude Mike Lindell [had his phone seized] by the FBI. But I just wanna say something real quick to the FBI: you don’t do that at Hardee's, man. Let him finish that biscuit. Hardee's is too delicious. Can you imagine being detained by the authorities while your Hardee's biscuit is getting cold? You don’t do that. I mean, if it was a Popeye's biscuit, all right, fine, take him into custody. But there's certain biscuits in the game: Hardee's, Bojangles, Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuit…them's the three main biscuits. I don’t care what the crime is, you let a man finish his biscuit!"
—The Daily Show's Roy Wood Jr.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 16, 2022
Note: A critical, time-sensitive reminder that tomorrow is National Apple Dumpling Day. Please, apples: dumple responsibly.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Talk Like A Pirate Day: 3
Days 'til the 86th Walnut Festival in Walnut Creek, California: 6
Percent of Latino voters polled by BSP Research who support Democratic candidates and Republican candidates, respectively, in the midterms: 52%, 35%
Percent in the same poll who support passage of a new Voting Rights Act: 84%
Consecutive days that gas prices have come down: 94
Age of Trader Joe's "Two Buck Chuck" wine creator Fred Franzia of the Bronco Wine Company when he died this week: 79
Distance from Earth of the inner region of the Orion Nebula—freshly captured by the James Webb telescope: 1,350 light-years
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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JEERS to our top story of the day by law. Here's a mandatory update on the most critical development affecting the Planet Earth over the last 24 hours:
♔ The Queen's coffin left Westminster Castle.
♔ The Queen's coffin then traveled to Westminster Train Station.
♔ Having missed the 8:45, the Queen's coffin traveled to Westminster Bus Stop.
♔ Having forgotten that the local Westminster bus drivers are on strike, the Queen's coffin called a Westminster Uber, which proceeded past Westminster Hardware, Westminster Beauty Salon, Westminster Cricket Club, and the Westminster Dairye Queene and Sweete Shoppe.
♔ Having failed to tell the driver to go slowly, the Queen's coffin left the royal family's entourage in its dust at the intersection of Westminster and Minstwester.
♔ The Queen's coffin is now resting comfortably at Westminster Hall.
Stay tuned for our next update in 2 minutes and 36 seconds. Sponsored by Westminster Fish & Chips.
JEERS and CHEERS to snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Lindsey Graham, who can out-sneer any of his colleagues in the Senate with one perfectly-manicured hand tied behind his back, has decided that the best way for Republicans to win midterm elections is a federal law outlawing abortion in all 50 states, an idea that is popular with approximately 3 out of 10 voters…
The Republicans’ proposed bill (on its face) outlaws nearly all abortions performed after 15 weeks, and imposes onerous reporting and proof requirements upon physicians and others for the rare exceptions it allows.
It also provides for a private right of action by parents of any minor who obtains an abortion, and allows them to sue the medical providers that performed it (including physicians and others authorized to perform the procedure) … Criminal penalties for violation of the proposed law include lengthy imprisonment and fines.
Of course, millions of abortions will continue to occur, but they will be performed in unauthorized and illegal facilities with no uniform health codes or sanitary restrictions in place, and most will be performed by non-physicians, particularly in those states that have already passed laws imposing criminal or civil penalties for obtaining the procedure.
Thus explaining the Republicans' new bumper sticker slogan: GOP 2022—States' Rights in Every Woodchipper and A Woman & Her Doctor in Every Jail. Savvy marketing there, Huckleberry.
JEERS to the worst sheriff in history. Here's a memento of our sorry past that I always like to isolate and hose down with disinfectant. Twenty-one years ago this week, President George W. Bush evoked the image of an old west "WANTED" poster, vowing to catch Osama bin Laden "Dead or Alive." Bush failed to nab "America's Most Wanted," either dead or alive. But Seal Team Six under the authority of President Barack Obama sure didn't, and now 72 virgins are taking turns smacking bin Laden—who turned out to be a garden-variety narcissistic porn-addicted slob—in the face with shoes for the rest of eternity. And this year a drone under the authority of President Joe Biden nailed Bin laden’s hand-picked successor. [Sigh] If you want a job done right, gotta hire the Democrat.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to memorable moments in attempted comedy. Fifty-four years ago today, in 1968, Richard Nixon appeared on Laugh-In and uttered the immortal words: "Sock it to me???" Here's the whole segment for context:
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I wish we had gotten the chance to sock it to him after the crook quit in '74. Thanks a lot, Gerald.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Quick roundup of TV-type stuffs on the weekend platter-o-plenty. Tonight starts with the unpacking of the Friday news dumps, including Judge Cannon’s latest journey to the crazy farm, on MSNBC with Chris Hayes and the prime time lineup. (Richard Engel has a special report on Ukraine at 10.)
The most popular movies and streamers, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The WNBA finals schedule—The Las Vegas Aces lead the Connecticut Sun 2 games to 1—is here, the National Concussion League schedule is here, and the baseball lineup is here. (If you’re wondering when NHL and NBA seasons start: October 7th and October 19th. You’re welcome.) The finale of the 3,234th season of America’s Got Talent airs tomorrow night at 8 via the National Broadcasting Company.
Sunday evening on 60 Minutes: an extended interview with resurgent President Dark Brandon, and an interview with Iranian president Dorky McDeathtopumpkinspice. And John Oliver airs a new edition of Last Week Tonight Sunday at 11 on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: TBA
Meet the Press: Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); former U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York Geoffrey Burman; cultist and Colorado Senate nominee Joe O’Dea.
CNN's State of the Union: U.N. Ambassador Linda Thomas-Greenfield; New York City Mayor Eric Adams; cartoonist Steve Brodner; Sen. Mike Rounds (The Cult-SD).
Face the Nation: rep. henry Cuellar (D-TX); Prosecutor General of Ukraine Andriy Kostin; Former United States Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson; founding director of the Chicago Project on Security & Threats Robert Pape.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Human loogey Sen. Lindsey Graham (The Cult-SC).
Happy viewing.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 16, 2012
JEERS to the backsliders among us. The annual Values Voters Summit got underway today in the American heartland known as Washington, D.C. (I guess Kansas, Oklahoma and the Dakotas were all booked up.) It's an event where conservative sheeple-herders get together and lay out a clear agenda for taking America forward to the 1890s, thus proving that they not only suck at math but chronology as well. Meanwhile there's also a Stormfront convention going on at the same time in Tennessee. Here's how you can tell the difference between the two: one's a group of hate-filled extremists who harbor radical views and long for a cookie-cutter world where white men are white men and women and minorities know their place, and the other one's Stormfront.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to farting around. Week's over. We've thrown it in a steal vault, sealed it in cement, wrapped it in chains, taken it out to sea and tossed it overboard. It can no longer cause us harm. In the blink of an eye it'll be ELECTION DAY 2022, when we keep the House and the Senate just for shits and giggles. But right now it’s mid-September Friday night playtime. So let us play…
[Inserts quarter]
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Yay, I win. That was fun. Two outta three?
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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