Great Moments in Looking Stupid
A dozen years ago, this idiot—Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council—opened his mouth hole as the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was in the process of being carried out:
"I know a lot of people point to militaries that have allowed homosexuality within the ranks—there’s twenty-five of almost two hundred nations but the top militaries in the world do not allow homosexuality to be openly engaged in, in the military—I mean, if you want a military that just does parades and stuff like that then I guess that’s okay."
Well, guess what, Tony?
Continued...
Eleven years ago this week, the U.S. Army became the first military branch to officially announce that "Today marks the end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. The law is repealed. From this day forward, gay and lesbian Soldiers may serve in our Army with the dignity and respect they deserve." And since then, Tony, we've done a lot more than just parades:
» We lost the war in Afghanistan.
» We turned Iraq over to Iran sympathizers.
» We abandoned our Kurdish allies.
» We bombed and killed more civilians than we can count.
» We’ve moved at a snail’s pace to deal with the epidemic of heterosexual male servicemembers sexually assaulting female servicemembers.
» A whole bunch of military veterans, including sitting senators and representatives, took part in or actively supported—at the urging of a two-bit grifter president who frequently called servicemembers who died while protecting their country "losers" and "suckers"—an attempt to overthrow the United States government.
» On a brighter note, we’re successfully helping Ukraine humiliate Russia.
See? Even with the DADT repeal, the military didn’t skip a beat. So I'll tell ya what, Tony. Next time you plan on opening your big mouth to say something stupid like allowing gays in the military will lead to "just parades”? Don't.
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 21, 2022
Note:
[Today’s note, above, is written in invisible pixels. To reveal the secret message, rub lemon juice over your screen until it appears. Is it worth all the fuss? If you consider “Drink more Ovaltine” your prime directive, YES! —Mgt.]
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Festivus: 93
Days 'til Hippie Fest in Tipton, Indiana: 3
Percent of homebuilders, according to CNBC, who say they've lowered their prices because of weakening demand, up from 19% in August: 25%
Youth unemployment rate in China during, respectively, March and July: 15%, 20%
Expected GDP for China this year, the lowest since 1976: 3%
Odds of having a heart attack if you're age 50-64: 3.5-in-100
Percent chance that the last Denny's in Portland, Maine is permanently closing, leaving only one restaurant in the state that's open 24/7 (The Burger King across the street from us): 100%
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 5 floods and 3 SUPER COOL Bible Adventures for Nintendo). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: How to salute your commanding officer, when your commanding officer is named Fido…
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CHEERS to the naysayers. Ukraine is Kicking Vladimir Putin's glorious Russian military all over the place, and now the propaganda peddlers are folding like a cheap card table. My, my, my…
“The special military operation has completely failed,” Igor Girkin, who gained notoriety as one of the main leaders of Russia’s initial efforts in eastern Ukraine back in2014, said in a video this week. … Last week, he declared the war “already lost,” and warned his audience of nearly half a million viewers that the war would continue until Russia’s total defeat. […]
“Russian society, just as the Russian army, is decaying and falling apart because of corruption,” Pavel Filatyev, a Russian soldier who has published a scathing memoir of the first two months of the war, told NBC News. “So the Russian army often is not acting carefully, they are acting unprofessionally, and a lot of mistakes are being made.”
Over the past few days, this sentiment has started spilling over from marginal radical Telegram channels into the official sanctioned discourse on Russian television.
With all this dissent and disloyalty, it's a bad time for Russia's leadership and pundit class. But a great time for Russia's upper-story replacement window industry.
JEERS to unnecessary tongue-tiediness. Time for a Bill in Portland Maine Master Class, this time for Senator and retired astronaut Mark Kelly, who is currently running for reelection in Arizona. For a guy trained to deal with reality in a precise and scientific way, this is disappointing:
Arizona Democrat Sen. Mark Kelly sputtered and dithered when he was asked about whether President Joe Biden is doing a good job and conspicuously avoided answering “yes” about campaigning with his party’s leader.
“Hey, you know, I, you know, ah, eh,” he began. “First of all, it’s not my job to give him a report card. I would say, you know, mixed reviews, you know, on certain things.”
Hey, Mark. You might want to write this down because it gets a little complicated. But next time a reporter asks you if Joe Biden is doing a good job, here's what you say: "Yes!" Here endeth the lesson.
JEERS to a brewing crisis. God hates us. She really, really hates us:
A carbon dioxide production shortage caused by natural contamination at the Jackson Dome—a Mississippi reservoir of CO2 from an extinct volcano—is forcing brewers to cut back. Brewers across the country are reporting production delays in getting beer to the market and drafting contingency plans to switch to nitrogen.
Nightshift Brewery outside Boston shut down a facility after being told their carbon dioxide supply was "cut for the foreseeable future, possibly more than a year." Others are paying 3-4x as much.
If you need me today, I'll be out back crying in my water mixed with orange and yellow food coloring and topped with algae from the Deering Oaks duck pond to make it look like I'm crying in my beer but it's really not beer at all, it's water mixed with orange and yellow food coloring and topped with algae from the Deering Oaks duck pond to make it look like I'm crying in my beer but it's really not beer at all, it's... Oh dear. Sorry. I seem to have entered a feedback loop. I blame the beer shortage.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to America's favorite literary boogeyman. 75 skulls go on the birthday cake of most-famous-Mainer Stephen King, born September 21, 1947 in Portland. King is an unabashed Democrat (actively yet Quixotically trying to dislodge Senator Susan Collins from her perch every six years) who isn't afraid to speak his mind, which he occasionally does by blowing up twitter:
» Tucker Carlson is your basic white, well-fed, complacent and entitled fuckdoodle.
» Is there intelligent life in the universe? If we find it, what will the general reaction be here on Earth?
» 76 trombones led the big parade? 110 cornets right behind? Are you kidding? If they all played at once, the decibels would blow your eardrums right out of your asshole.
» The evening newscasts on network TV—and on the cable news channels—are basically drug marts. The anchors are the pushers.
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» When I'm having a bad day—and this was one—I simply remind myself of one thing: DONALD TRUMP ISN'T PRESIDENT! Then I cheer up.
» Never mind Twitter, Elon; what about social media for chickens? It would be a good way to make hens meet.
» Fun fact: Ants don't catch Covid because they have these teeny little anty bodies.
» If men could have babies, abortion would be a sacrament.
» Good writing is a delight to those who read it and a mystery to those who write it.
Today's special in the C&J watering hole, as always: half-off Redrum and Cokes.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 21, 2012
CHEERS to a (mostly) happy ending. The Chicago teachers strike is over!!!
The contract offer gives teachers, on average, a 17.6 percent pay raise over the next four years, as well as retaining other salary bumps for experience and pursuing a graduate degree. The offer also includes tougher job evaluations where teachers are rated, in part, on how well their students performed on standardized tests and, for the first time, a re-hire pool for teachers who’ve been laid off because the district closed their schools.
All the kids are pouring into classes this morning. And all the parents are pouring mimosas into glasses this morning.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to "The Way Life Should Be." Twenty-nine years ago today—September 21, 1993—my partner Michael ("Common Sense Mainer" here on Planet Orange) and I arrived via a Ryder moving van in the liberal paradise known as Portland, Maine, having escaped the rust-belt hamlet of Saginaw, Michigan (motto: "No Smiling: It Just Encourages the Children"). We had no jobs, only a smidgeon of savings, and an apartment that gave us barely any heat but did give us a January heating bill of $318.
Twenty-nine years later we're still here and we have nothing but kind words for our home. (Especially since we booted our lunatic Trump clone governor a few years back, and plan to do it again in 47 days.) Portland is constantly making Top 10 lists for awesomeness: most livable city, best place to retire, great place for dogs, the arts, food, working, playing, drinking, vacationing and yadda yadda yadda. We hate to brag.
So, yeah—we love our little corner of the world, and we hope you feel the same way about yours. Coming up tonight: our annual good luck tradition of releasing a Maine lobster into the wild. This year's is 60 feet tall and weighs three tons. What could go wrong?
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Dennis Prager Pretty Sure Bill in Portland Maine Sucks, Adds No Value To World
—Wonkette
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