For years conservatives were content to smear feces on our walls metaphorically. But just as they’ve made xenophobia and racism k-k-kool again, they’ve decided to throw caution to the wind and rock out with their caca out.
You’ll recall that some of the Jan. 6 Hooligan’s Heroes opted to Jackson Pollock their poo onto the hallowed walls of the U.S. Capitol when they couldn’t find any Pences to hang. (Was this what they’d actually planned to do to the vice president? Were they just trying to give his face a soupçon of color? Is that why Donald Trump claims Jan. 6 was a “lovefest”?)
But as much as we’d like to think the Capitol poo-petrators were one and dung, this is apparently a well-established scat-tern among conservatives. (Okay, I’ll stop with the shitty puns now. That last one was embarrassing enough to make me flush.)
A Republican currently running for state Assembly in New Jersey was charged in 2009 with smearing feces on the doors of a—wait for it!—children’s day care center following a dispute with the business’s owner. Gross, right? In fact, we could pretty much stop right there, but then what fun would that be?
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New Jersey Globe:
Joseph Viso pled guilty to criminal mischief charges after a dispute with the owner of Children’s Studio, whose building was adjacent to an electrical company he owned at the time. He was fined $250.
“Those people harassed my men every day,” Viso told the New Jersey Globe. “They had cars ticketed every time my men parked on a side street.”
Colleen Dolaghan, the owner of the daycare center, had notified police that “someone smeared fecal matter over the handles and locks of all the doors of their business,” a police detective, Chris DeCarlo, said in his report.
After DeCarlo advised Viso that there were pictures and video of the incident, Viso apologized, telling DeCarlo, “I am not proud of what I did.”
He’s not proud of his egregiously offensive behavior? What kind of a Republican is this?
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Then again, this was 2009. He may have fully embraced his essential GOP-ness since then. And he’s had practice! In 2016, as part of a plea deal, he copped to one count of conspiracy to distribute methylone, a controlled substance.
As for the public shit-smearing, Viso had a very, shall we say, Republican excuse. Viso told The Globe he cleaned up the mess “before anyone got hurt. I’m not going to defend it. It was wrong. I was a young man. It was a horrible time, and I made a mistake. Obama came into office the year before.”
Young man? He was in his late 30s!
Also, according to The Globe, Viso’s company, Viso Electric, “would frequently blast loud music with offensive lyrics next to the daycare center playground.”
But hey, no one got hurt. And as we all know, you can commit as many crimes as you want, and as long as there’s no clear and obvious victim, none of them are really crimes. Also, Obama had just been elected! He couldn’t allow that outrage to stand without doing something about it!
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Arguably, though, his excuse for his drug-dealing is even better. “I was sick fighting cancer, and I got myself in trouble,” Viso told the New Jersey Globe. “I had to sell my pain medications to pay for my health insurance.”
So he had to sell drugs illegally to keep from going bankrupt because America still has a corporate-run health care system. Then by all means he should be a Republican. It’s just common sense!
Luckily, this low-rent Walter White is unlikely to go far. He was also charged with heroin possession in 2013 and spent seven days in jail as a result. But on the bright side, he was later charged with gun-related crimes, which are only illegal if Hunter Biden commits them. That peccadillo should only help him with Republicans.
That said, he’s running with considerable baggage in a Democratic-leaning district. Something tells me he’ll be naught but a solid number two come election night.
Okay, that was the last one. Really. I promise.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.