Late Night Snark: Dems Save Us Again Edition
"New Speaker of the House Mike Johnson is in a pickle. He's only been in the job three weeks and he's already getting heat from members of his own party over the bipartisan deal he made to keep our government running. The hardcore conservatives are dead-set against the Democrats' “liberal agenda” of making sure the country has a functioning government, because if the government keeps running through the end of the year it means Republicans have less time to focus on the issues that really matter to their constituents. Like proving that Santa Claus is white."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"So there isn’t gonna be a government shutdown. Congratulations, Congress—you did the absolute bare f*cking minimum."
—The Daily Show guest host Leslie Jones
Continued…
You are now below the fold. Please: wipe your feet on our code of ethics.
"President Biden is in San Francisco today meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping. Before the meeting both sides tried to play it cool and set expectations low. In fact, both countries said that whatever happened both Biden and Xi will not put out a joint statement after the meeting. So it's just gonna be a case of He said, Xi said."
—Stephen Colbert
"The White House yesterday released the fifth national Climate Assessment. And if you're wondering how things are going, they said don’t expect a sixth."
—Seth Meyers
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"On Monday Donald Trump testified under oath at his civil fraud trial. Though technically he was never sworn in because the bibles kept bursting into flames."
—Michael Che, SNL
"Are you kidding me, [Clarence Thomas]? You're gonna pretend you didn’t know the stuff you did was wrong until now? Having good judgment is the entire point of being a judge! This is so embarrassing—the Supreme Court went without needing an ethics code until these corrupt bastards came along. Here's what really pisses me off, though: the ethics code isn’t even enforceable, so it's not gonna work. If you want to hold people accountable, you gotta be able to fire them."
—Leslie Jones
"Republican senator Tim Scott dropped out of the race for president. Everybody responded by saying, 'That's too bad' and 'who is that, again?' The announcement has really shaken up the race for fifth place."
—Jimmy Fallon
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 17, 2023
Note: A reminder that Sunday is Have A Bad Day Day. If you violate the spirit of the occasion by having a good day, that would be very bad, which would actually make your good day a bad day. Good for you! (In a bad way. Which is good! But that’s bad. Good! Good bad!)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Great American Smokeout: 6
Days 'til the Creede Chocolate Festival in Colorado: 7
Maryland's unemployment rate, the lowest of any state according to records going back to 1976: 1.6%
Estimated number of Americans expected to drive to a Thanksgiving destination this year, an increase of 1.7% from 2022: 49.1 million
Current inflation rate: 3.2%
Decline in cable subscribers since 2014: -40%
First year a turkey was pardoned by a president (George H.W. Bush) for Thanksgiving: 1989
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Off to Petco…
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JEERS to the arrival of a blessed cease fire. Finally. It's over. The fighting is over. For now, anyway. The warring factions have agreed to split up so they can lick their wounds and presumably regroup. In their wake they leave carnage and chaos that have left millions of ordinary citizens wondering if peace will ever return. Possibly not, since their leader sees a future of mass arrests, violence, and sprawling detention camps that will quickly devolve into squalor. But enough about House Republicans in charge of the least-productive Congress since the Great Depression going on vacation for the rest of the month. Anyone know what's happening between Israel and Hamas?
CHEERS to pest control. We'll file this under "Most Foregone Conclusion in the History of Foregone Conclusions." The House Ethics Committee's investigation report is in. And, having read it, lyingest-congressman-ever (and that's saying something) George Santos is out:
“I will continue on my mission to serve my constituents up until I am allowed. I will however NOT be seeking re-election for a second term in 2024 as my family deserves better than to be under the gun from the press all the time.”
The 56-page report, written by an investigative subcommittee, breaks down the 23 federal felony charges against Santos, including conspiracy, wire fraud, false statements, falsification of records, aggravated identity theft and credit card fraud. The committee said its investigation "revealed a complex web of unlawful activity involving Representative Santos' campaign, personal, and business finances."
Okay, okay, I take it back. A Republican-led committee actually did one productive thing this session. Pop the champagne corks.
JEERS to the hunchback of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Speaking of Republican shits, 50 years ago today, in 1973, floundering President Richard Nixon uttered his immortal words: "People have got to know whether or not their president is a crook. Well, I'm not a crook."
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And to prove he wasn't a crook, Gerald Ford shielded him with a "full and unconditional pardon" after Nixon resigned rather than face impeachment for crooky things like high crimes and misdemeanors. Trust me: the less you think about it, the more it makes sense.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to that people-powered dude. Since I know you appreciate being made to feel old, here's a fun fact: when Howard Dean's 2004 presidential campaign—the catalyst for bringing so many of us here to Daily Kos—was shifting into high gear, he was but a lad of 56. Today he finds 75 candles on his birthday cake.
The former Vermont governor (first in the nation to sign same-sex civil unions into law—a quaint milestone, but groundbreaking at the time) became the loudest 2004 candidate to rail against the warmongering Bush II regime at a time when too many Democratic leaders were still searching for their spines. (His 2003 speech in Sacramento remains one of the most influential barn burners in modern political history.)
Of course, we all know Governor Dean met his Waterloo after he uttered "Yeah" in Iowa at a higher volume than is allowed in polite political society. He then went on to become the chairman of the DNC, unleashing a radical strategy that would give the Democratic party a robust presence in all 50 states, and remains forever a card-carrying Kossack. So when you're pouring out a drinky tonight (may we recommend a cocktail made with pure Vermont maple syrup?), hoist it and send a happy birthday toast to ol’ Doc Dean. And you should also get together and bake him a cake. After all, YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour and YOU have the flour...!!!
CHEERS to home vegetation. Ahhh...the airwaves are blessedly free of obnoxious political ads, clearing the way for a weekend of blissful boob-tubage during which we’ll only have to contend with obnoxious drug ads and obnoxious MyPillow ads. As always, MSNBC is the place to go for details of any Friday night news dumps. Georgia’s Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger—one of the few GOP good guys in the wake of the 2020 elections—talks with Margaret Hoover on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30. Or you can catch a new episode of Penn & Teller: Fool Us! at 8 on the CW.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Did we really need another Hunger games flick?) The NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. Jason Momoa hosts SNL.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: an update on the fire-ravaged Hawaiian town of Lahaina and a profile of guitarist and musical director for Springsteen and the E Street Band Steven Van Zandt. Homer causes a pre-Thanksgiving Springfield blackout on The Simpsons, and Stewie tries to civilize his half-brother “Boston Stewie” on Family Guy. Awards season starts ramping up with the Billboard Music Awards Sunday. (As usual, all my money's on a clean sweep by The Singing Dogs.) And then enjoy your fill of John Oliver Sunday night at 11 during another edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: Deputy National Security Adviser Jon Finer; Retired Admiral and Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Mike Mullen; Israeli Ambassador to the United States Michael Herzog; UNRWA Director of Communications Juliette Touma; San Francisco Mayor London Breed (D).
Meet the Press: Senator Dick Blumenthal (D-CT); Chris Christie; Steve Kornacki unveils new polling numbers.
Face the Nation: Senator Chris Van Hollen (D-MD); Reps. Raja Krishnamo (D-IL), Mike Turner (MAGA Cult-OH) and Mike Gallagher (MAGA Cult-WI).
CNN's State of the Union: Gov. Ron DeSantis (MAGA Cult-FL).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Doughy pantload Mike Pompeo; Senator Chris Coons (D-DE).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 17, 2013
JEERS to the "Apocalypter." Former President Bush—the spawn Bush, not the host Bush—gave his speech to the "Recruit Jews to Christianity So We Can Get Our Rapture On" crowd yesterday. The Messianic Jewish Bible Institute believes that the pure and good people will all go to heaven and the no-good sinners will remain to be picked over by Beelzebub. As usual, when the event ended the only thing that had disappeared was a bunch of the crowd's money. Oh well…maybe next year?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to cleansing your cosmic soul. Cast your eyes heavenward this weekend and you might see some wowee-zowee fireworks in the sky. The Leonid Brezhnev meteor shower—which happens every time Earth plays footsies with Comet Tempel-Tuttle and its debris field—is entering its most Leonidinicious period tonight and tomorrow night:
The Leonids are a modest shower producing up to approximately 15 meteors per hour. ... The moon will be 23% illuminated on the date of Leonid's peak so should not interfere with viewing opportunities too much.
The Leonids are considered some of the fastest meteors, zipping through the sky at 44 miles per second, according to NASA. They can also result in impressive fireballs producing long, bright and colorful meteor streaks.
You don't need any telescopes or binoculars as the secret to a good meteor viewing experience is to take in as much sky as possible. Make sure to allow about 30 minutes for your eyes to adjust to the dark.
As I like to say, everyone loves meteor showers because they’re beautiful, unite Americans in a common activity, and make lots of people happy and curious about the universe and the wonders of science. Which explains why House Republicans plan to introduce a constitutional amendment banning all future meteor showers.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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