We’ve finally found a presidential scandal to rival Teapot Dome, Watergate, and the legion of horrors Donald Trump visited on our heads that somehow got memory-holed faster than Barack Obama’s tan suit. Sure, Trump may have ignored a deadly pandemic and tried to overthrow the U.S. government before spending the next three years working on a children’s version of “Mein Kampf” (and by “working on,” we of course mean “reading”), but at least he’d never drink a milkshake through a straw. Right?
Jesse Waters, who gets to keep his job because everyone at Fox loves his elfin whimsy and annual batch of fresh-baked Krampus cookies, has at last found the load-bearing Jenga piece that will end Joe Biden’s presidency once and for all. And late-night host Jimmy Kimmel is here to give you all the sweet and sticky details.
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You see, Biden recently drank a milkshake through a straw. A straw! What real, red-blooded American drinks things through straws? What would the Founding Fathers think? Ben Franklin would have never used a straw! He was far too busy doing tequila body shots off French courtesans.
KIMMEL: “It’s like you can’t give your opponents an inch, and these guys are so desperate to smear Joe Biden, they are literally now grasping at straws.”
WATTERS (VOICEOVER): “DailyMail.com caught Biden sucking on what looks like a milkshake through a straw. Could be a smoothie. Looked like chocolate to me. Now, a little advice for grown men. If you want to enjoy a milkshake or anything with a straw, please do it in private. It’s not a good look. Men should never suck anything through a straw.”
KIMMEL: “Really? Is that a thing now? Anyone feel like Jesse Watters might be going through some sort of an identity crisis? Real men dump their milkshakes all over their nipples. They don’t use straws.”
SHOWS PHOTO OF TRUMP DRINKING THROUGH A STRAW
KIMMEL: “Oh, oh no. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesse, you better apologize to President Tastee-Freez right now.”
So that picture of Trump might make it look like Watters is just being a hypocritical arse, but you’re ignoring some key context. Biden was drinking a milkshake, and while we don’t know for certain what Trump had in his cup, preliminary analysis based on Trump’s uncharacteristic devotion to the task points to a 97.9% probability that it’s lard. And lard is a lot harder to suck than milkshakes, obvi. So suck on that, Joe Biden.
Of course, there’s also the inconvenient fact that Trump not only uses straws but also sold straws for a time to raise funds for whatever it is he raises funds for. (Mostly campaigning, defending himself against a raft of felony charges, and attempting to corner the global lard market.)
The Guardian, July 2019:
In the race to raise as much cash as possible ahead of the 2020 election, Donald Trump’s campaign has hit on a novel, and successful, idea: selling plastic straws.
Trump’s campaign manager, Brad Parscale, said last week that his team has raked in almost $500,000 in one week from selling Trump branded, “laser engraved”, nine-inch long straws.
It’s a tidy sum and, given Trump’s six corporate bankruptcies, string of failed companies, and ability to lose more than $1bn between 1985 and 1994, the straw selling may rank as one of the president’s most successful business ventures.
But while Biden’s brazen flouting of well-established milkshake norms may not rise to the level of impeachment just yet, you shouldn’t rule anything out. Rep. James Comer, House Oversight Committee chairman, is on the hunt for silly accusations that appear more or less plausible to Jäger-besotted MAGAs who tune into Watters’ show every night because they think he’s Paul Harvey.
Then again, if we don’t hold the line at straws in milkshakes, what’s next? At some point, Biden might whip out a spoon. Or even a spork! And then where will we be? On the threshold of tyranny. Or Culver’s. Whichever. Either way, this is clearly bad for Joe Biden.
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Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.