Late Night Snark: B'bye Edition
"Former Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy announced today that he's going to resign at the end of the year and said, 'I know my work is only getting started.' That's a big first step, said his therapist."
—Seth Meyers
"This means Republicans will have an even slimmer majority. And now, like all of Trump's banished bootlickers, Kevin McCarthy will spend the rest of his days reading commercials for Stamps-dot-com on a podcast no one likes."
—Jimmy Kimmel
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Caution: watch for airborne dreidels.
"Representative George Santos was expelled from Congress Friday by a vote of 114 'Shantay You Stays' to 311 'Sashay Aways.'"
—Colin Jost, SNL
"Tonight in Alabama was the fourth Republican debate. It aired on the CW network, which makes sense because it was two hours of people over 35 acting like they're in high school. These debates started on Fox News and NBC, and now they're on the CW. I'm hearing the next debate will just be shown on the little screen on the gas pump on the Jersey turnpike."
—Jimmy Fallon
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"Elon Musk met with Benjamin Netanyahu this week and agreed that Israel must destroy Hamas. I think Musk could destroy Hamas almost instantly by becoming their CEO."
—Michael Che, SNL
"Yes. Henry Kissinger is dead. Which just goes to show you, if you have zero morals you'll live a long, stress-free life. He committed massacres and lived to be a hundred, while the rest of us over here are dying at 47 because we can't stop stressing over the time we waved to a person who was actually waving to a person behind us."
—The Daily Show guest host Michelle Wolf
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 8, 2023
Note: Arson charges pending after Jeanette and Isabella admit to bringing a torch to a duplex on Riverside Drive during a drinking binge. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Festivus: 15
Days 'til the Gaslamp Pet Parade in San Diego: 8
Percent of Americans who approve of labor unions, according to Gallup: 67%
Increase in the number of union workers in 2022: 300,000
Rank of virtual chatbot ChatGPT among top searches on Wikipedia in 2023: #1
Average cost of a real Christmas tree this year: $90
Number of the four calling birds that no longer have a land line: 3
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy birthday #11 (75'ish in human years, we’re told) to C&J's rescue lab-mix and cancer survivor Haley. One of the happiest and smartest dogs we've ever had the privilege of being owned by, SBDs and all. Everyone: please enjoy the free birthday kibble in the C&J cafeteria this evening (we’re putting out extra ketchup) in honor of our goofy ol' dawg from Macon, Georgia:
Happy birthday, old lady.
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CHEERS to getting off to a great start. With George Santos' congressional career finally tossed into the dumpster with the rest of the House trash, it's time for folks in New York's 3rd district to pick a replacement. And, by golly, the Republicans are off to a fine start as they begin offering up their buffet of contestants:
A New York man who is running for the congressional seat previously held by George Santos was convicted this week of charges relating to the Jan. 6 riot after he testified at his trial that he didn't know Congress convened inside the Capitol.
Philip Sean Grillo, of Queens, was found guilty Tuesday of the felony charge of obstruction of an official proceeding, along with a series of misdemeanors like entering restricted grounds and disorderly conduct in a Capitol building, the Justice Department said in a news release.
Even worse, we hear he has no idea how to wear an ascot.
JEERS to the return of the Puritans. I regret to inform you that, despite our mostly-deserved reputation as an open and welcoming bastion of progressive values, New England has its share of southern-style freedom stompers who mistook The Handmaid's Tale for a how-to video. And these days the Republicans in the buckle hats and buckle shoes and buckle underpants (gosh, they sure love their buckles) hail from New Hampshire, where reading the room is a skill they seem to lack:
Republicans in New Hampshire filed one of the most extreme abortion bans in the country on Tuesday―and a GOP trifecta could allow the bill to become law once the legislature starts its 2024 session next month.
The bill was pre-filed in the House in September, but the full text of the abortion ban was only released Tuesday morning. The legislation “prohibits abortion, other than for a medical emergency, if the gestational age of the fetus is more than 15 days,” according to the bill text.
The bill is actually a compromise. The real hardliners wanted a different plan. They call it "Standing over couples during sex with a stopwatch."
CHEERS to the #1 cause of hairy palms and sudden blindness. On this date in 1994 Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders—who, at 90, is still professor emeritus at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences—got triangulated out of her job by President Bill Clinton. Her offense: having the gall to suggest that legalizing marijuana might be a good idea, and teaching kids about masturbation might help prevent the spread of AIDS.
"Education, education, education," she said. "The only way we are going to get around this disease is with education. We have no vaccine, we have no magic drug. All we've got is education." Clinton should've let her stay. He might've learned that playing with yourself prevents something else: impeachment.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to compassionate conservabuttheads. As income inequality unnecessarily continues squeezing Americans, we're reminded that 40 years ago this week, Attorney General Ed Meese claimed that people go to soup kitchens "because food is free and that's easier than paying for it." Could Reagan pick 'em or could Reagan pick 'em?
CHEERS to home vegetation. Sure, the world's crumbling around us…but at least we've got the magic talking picture box to make things better. The evening starts out the usual way, with Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew unwrapping the latest presents from Bidenville and MAGA Town. At 8:30 on PBS’s Firing Line Margaret Hoover talks with exiled Venezuelan opposition leader Leopoldo Lopez about combatting autocracy. And there’s a new episode of Penn & Teller: Fool Us! at 8 on the CW.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. Adam Driver hosts Saturday Night Live.
Sunday night’s busy, with Frozen on ABC, a Grammy Salute to Hip Hop on CBS, and Master Chef Junior: Home for the Holidays replacing the usual lineup on Fox. And then, after a new episode of John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight (HBO), it’s to bed with all of you and no listening to your crystal radios under the covers or you’re in big trouble, buster.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: Secretary of State Antony Blinken; former Rep. Liz Cheney.
Face the Nation: Save the Children president Janti Soeripto; President Biden’s budget chief Shalanda Young; Sen. Jim Lankford (MAGA Cult-OK).
CNN's State of the Union: Secretary of State Antony Blinken; Sen. J.D. Vance (MAGA Cult-OH).
Fox MAGA Talking Points Sunday: Rep. Nancy Mace (MAGA Cult-SC); Virginia Lt. Gov. Winsome Sears (MAGA Cult); Swedish defense Minister Pal Jonson.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 8, 2013
JEERS to the United States of Skepticism. Apparently America has become a nation of distrusters:
These days, only one-third of Americans say most people can be trusted. Half felt that way in 1972, when the General Social Survey first asked the question. […] An AP-GfK poll conducted last month found that Americans are suspicious of each other in everyday encounters. Less than one-third expressed a lot of trust in clerks who swipe their credit cards, drivers on the road, or people they meet when traveling. "I'm leery of everybody," said Bart Murawski, 27, of Albany, N.Y.
Murawski, of course, is full of shit. Don't trust him.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to A Timely and Necessary Musical Interlude. 43 years ago today, on December 8, 1980, John Lennon was gunned down by some idiot. I was 16 and getting ready for school when I heard the news that day (oh boy), and it's hard to fathom that I'm now nearly twenty years older than he was—40—when he was killed. Lennon believed that all you need is love, give peace a chance and war is over if you want it. And this, too…
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Today there were commemorations of John Lennon's life and peace activism. The imagining continues...with mixed results.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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