A Nation Bamboozled
This week marks the anniversary of one of the most avoidably-idiotic days in American history—the day Republicans shot our country in the face and expected a parade of sweets and flowers for it. It's the 20th dumbstickiversary of the invasion of Iraq. Seems appropriate to mark the occasion with a reminder of some of the lying and/or moronic statements made by the band of Very Serious People who orchestrated and/or promoted the debacle. Feel free to hurl rotten tomatoes as you see fit...
"Simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction. There is no doubt he is amassing them to use against our friends, against our allies, and against us." ... "My belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators."
—Dick Cheney (8/28/02) and (3/16/03)
"Facing clear evidence of peril, we cannot wait for the final proof—the smoking gun that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud."
—George W. Bush (10/7/02)
Continued...
“I will bet you the best dinner in the gaslight district of San Diego that military action will not last more than a week. Are you willing to take that wager?”
—Bill O’Reilly (1/29/03)
The cafeteria menus in the three House office buildings changed the name of "french fries" to "freedom fries," in a culinary rebuke of France stemming from anger over the country's refusal to support the U.S. position on Iraq.'
—CNN (3/12/03)
We know where [the WMDs] are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat."
—Donald Rumsfeld (3/30/03)
[T]he antiwar crowd is still spinning a doomsday scenario. But it's getting harder and harder to take seriously the claim that freeing Iraq will make it harder to win the war on terrorism. Indeed, there's plenty of evidence to the contrary. [...] Who said war never solved anything?
—Brendan Miniter, The Wall Street Journal (4/8/03, now scrubbed from the site)
"The only people who think this wasn't a victory are Upper Westside liberals."
—Charles Krauthammer (4/19/03)
Ted Koppel: [Y]ou’re not suggesting that the rebuilding of Iraqis going to be done for $1.7 billion?
Andrew Natsios [Agency for International Development]: Well, in terms of the American taxpayer's contribution, I do. This is it for the U.S.
—Nightline (4/23/03 at 2:30 mark)
4,516 American service personnel lost their lives during the war, with another 32,000 wounded. Not to mention the hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians who died. But, please: do continue telling us why the Bush II administration’s image deserves to be rehabilitated. I’m all ears. (And lest we forget, Lord Dampnut, aka Cadet Bone Spurs, was rah-rah on Iraq, too, until it all went south and he started lying to try and cover for his terrible judgment.)
P.S. Minimum amount of time that U.S. taxpayers will be paying costs associated with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, according to an AP analysis: 100 years. Only 90 years to go. Yay us.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 22, 2023
Note: Since today is National Goof Off Day, I don’t have to write a note. If you absolutely need one, see Gary in Human Resources.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Earth Day: 31
Days 'til Maine Maple Sunday: 3
Number of no-confidence votes French President Macron got (287 were needed to take him down) Monday in the National Assembly after he unilaterally raised the national retirement age from 62 to 64: 278
Number of presidential vetoes during the Biden administration so far: 1
Percent of New England and West Coast states where the abortion pill is legal: 100%
Percent chance that throwing an AA or AAA battery into the trash is illegal in Germany: 100%
Odds of finding a pearl in an oyster: 1-in-12,000
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 4 false prophets and a bunch of creepy sky voyeurs who should have the cops called on them). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A self-evident truth…
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JEERS to perp walk denied. Okay, okay, calm down. We all know by now that Donald J. Trump, former president of the United States, wasn't indicted by the Manhattan D.A. yesterday. It might happen today, maybe tomorrow, we just don't know. So let's try this simple blood pressure-lowering technique I read about last night. Everyone take a deep breath in……. Now hold it for 25 minutes…and then let it out.
[Waits 25 minutes]
Oops. Sorry about that. I re-read the manual and it was supposed to be 25 seconds. But if I may say, blue is definitely your color.
CHEERS to finding a needle in a haystack. It's my favorite and most challenging game: Go to a Network News Web Site and Try to Find a Good News Story. Let's see… Killer fungus invading health care facilities… Police murder another Black man… Mountain lion claws man's head in hot tub… Massive fire destroys New Jersey church… 'No such thing' as Palestinian people, top Israeli minister says… Missouri to restrict gender-affirming care for minors… Oh, look, I found one! The Democratic president is protecting more lands and waters by designating two more national monuments and a marine sanctuary:
Avi Kwa Ame, a desert mountain in southern Nevada [is] considered sacred to Native Americans. ... The site spans more than 500,000 acres and includes Spirit Mountain, a peak northwest of Laughlin called Avi Kwa Ame by the Fort Mojave Tribe and listed on the National Register of Historic Places. […] In Texas, Biden plans to create the Castner Range National Monument in El Paso. Together, the two new national monuments protect nearly 514,000 acres of public lands.
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In the Pacific, Biden will direct the Commerce Department to consider initiating a new national marine sanctuary designation within 30 days to protect all U.S. waters around the Pacific Remote Islands. If completed, the new sanctuary would help ensure the U.S. reaches Biden’s goal to conserve at least 30% of ocean waters under U.S. jurisdiction by 2030, the White House said.
Biden also will announce a series of steps to…modernize management of America’s public lands, harness the power of the ocean to help fight climate change, and better conserve wildlife corridors.
The C&J kiddie pool, meanwhile, remains a national marine disgrace. And we have the unpaid EPA fines to prove it.
CHEERS to fun with math. 2 hydrogen atoms + 1 oxygen atom + the United Nations + chips ‘n dip + balloons = World Water Day party! Yes, today is the 30th World Water Day, which actually isn't so much a party as it is an opportunity to remember that if we keep fucking up our water supply we're all going to end up shriveled and stupid and sick with a sink full of dirty dishes and a stinky bathroom. This year’s theme is "Accelerating Change":
Dysfunction throughout the water cycle is undermining progress on all major global issues, from health to hunger, gender equality to jobs, education to industry, disasters to peace.
Back in 2015, the world committed to Sustainable Development Goal (SDG) 6 as part of the 2030 Agenda—the promise that everyone would have safely managed water and sanitation by 2030. Right now, we are seriously off-track. Billions of people and countless schools, businesses, healthcare centres, farms and factories are being held back because their human rights to water and sanitation have not yet been fulfilled.
We need to accelerate change—to go beyond ‘business as usual’
Governments have to work on average four times faster to meet SDG 6 on time, but this is not a situation that governments can solve on their own. Water affects everyone, so we need everyone to take action.
"We have a series of policy suggestions in which we address the serious water-related issues in our country," said Democrats in Congress. "What's a policy?" said Republicans.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to self-righteous knuckledragging. On this date in 1638, progressive preacher Anne Hutchinson was booted from the Massachusetts Bay Colony by the Puritan leadership after being accused of "Blasphemy" and "Lewd conduct." Today Texas Governor Greg Abbott will unveil a statue to commemorate the event. In honor of the Puritans.
CHEERS to rolling up the terrorists. I don’t know why the Justice Department doesn’t designate the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers terrorist organizations. Canada, New Zealand, and Britain already did that with the Proud Boys, yet both groups are ten times the threat to us as they are to them. It's nuts. In the meantime, apparently the only thing we got goin' in our defense is the occasional right hook by a drag queen and guilty verdict by a D.C. jury:
A Washington, D.C., jury on Monday found four associates of the far-right Oath Keepers militia group guilty of conspiracy for their role in the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol.
Through the course of two separate trials late last year into January, six members of the Oath Keepers were found guilty of seditious conspiracy including the group's leader, Stewart Rhodes. […]
Five accused members of another far-right group known as the Proud Boys are currently standing trial on seditious conspiracy charges.
May the prison laundry service overstarch their shorts.
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 22, 2013
CHEERS to the happy traveler. President Obama is in Israel today, where he'll drive Republicans here crazy by being popular, serious and photogenic. On his schedule today:
• President Obama will arrive in Tel Aviv, Israel, marking the President's first trip to Israel as President of the United States.
• President Obama will view an "Iron Dome" battery in Tel Aviv, Israel.
• Later, President Obama will attend a bilateral meeting with Israeli President Peres in Jerusalem.
• In the evening, President Obama will attend a working dinner hosted by Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu.
Tomorrow he'll go to the Israel Museum to see the Dead Sea Scrolls. To give you an idea of how ancient they are, archaeologists say they pre-date the Republican platform by a whole week.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the guy at the helm of the most famous bridge in space. Happy birthday to one of the greatest gifts Canada ever gave the universe: Emmy- and Golden Globe-winner William "Kirk" Shatner, who turns 92 today and still looks and acts like he's thirty years younger. (Hell, in 2021 he made one of Bezos’s space flights, and that’s no piece of cake.) Here's a clip that hits a spectacular trifecta of bizarre American history. This is from July, 2009, when Conan O’Brien was host of The Tonight Show, Sarah Palin had just given her batty farewell address and officially became known as the “half-term governor of Alaska,” and, perhaps most amazing of all, Howard Dean was filling in for Keith Olbermann on MSNBC’s Countdown. What Shatner brings to this clip is almost superfluous, but still brilliant:
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Ms. Palin learned an important lesson that day: don’t bring a phaser to a photon torpedo fight.
Oh, and autumn began in the southern hemisphere this week. Have fun with all that leaf raking down there, you guys. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
Minnesota Republican confirms Cheers and Jeers doesn't exist because he hasn't seen the kiddie pool
—USA Today
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