And Here We Are
The Daily Show remembers the day Fox News uncovered the incident that sent our Great Nation into freefall...
And all this time I thought nothing would ever top the Whiskey Rebellion.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, June 22, 2023
Note: A quick heads-up that, in our quest to be utterly horrible, there will be no C&J on Monday. We’ll return on Tuesday demanding that you take back what you said about us being utterly horrible or else we’ll take another day off. It’s up to you, people. It’s all up to you. —Mgt. Team & $500/hr. Motivational Consultants
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next full "buck moon": 11
Days 'til the Key Lime Festival in Key West: 8
Percent of parents polled by Morning Consult in India, Mexico, Singapore, Britain, and the U.S. who say climate change impacts their decision to have more kids: 53%
Rank of rising temperatures, water shortages, and sea level rise among effects parents are particularly concerned about: #1, #2, #3
Factor by which the volume of maritime trade is expected to increase by 2050: 3x
Percent of registered voters polled by CNN who believe Trump ought to end his campaign now that he’s facing federal charges: 59%
Percent of independents in the same poll who believe Trump should quit the race: 85%
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
I know we all like to figure out whom to blame when something awful happens, but it is not a particularly useful exercise. What we are trying to figure out is how to keep this from happening again.
Whether the teen killers in Colorado were driven berserk by being taught evolutionary theory or were just Bad Seed, I submit to you, as a simple and self-evident proposition, that they could not have injured and killed so many people if they had not had guns.
If they had come into Columbine High School, pointed their index fingers at the kids they didn't like and said, "Bang, bang, you're dead!" not much would have happened as a consequence.
To address a tedious point, it is quite true that no law can assure that guns will not get into the hands of criminals and lunatics. But laws can make it much less likely that they will. The Brady law alone has kept tens of thousands of people with criminal or mental records from buying guns in just a few years.
—June 1999
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Vincent Van Dog…
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CHEERS to the 47th president of the United States. I'm speaking, of course, of Kamala Harris, who will soon become the first woman president, the first woman president of color, and the first South Asian president. Wow!!!! What a step forward for our nation. And for that you can thank Congresswoman Lauren Boebert of the MAGA cult:
Rep. Lauren Boebert introduced articles of impeachment Tuesday against President Joe Biden that will force a House floor vote in the coming days. […] "President Biden's negligence of duty has resulted in the surrender of operational control of the border to the complete and total control of foreign criminal cartels putting the lives of American citizens in jeopardy," Boebert said on the House floor Tuesday.
Unlike other impeachment efforts, Boebert said, hers uses a procedural tactic that requires the House to hold a floor vote. "I am bringing my articles of impeachment against Joe Biden to the House Floor in a privileged motion, meaning that every Member of Congress must vote on holding Joe Biden accountable," Boebert tweeted.
Biden will be impeached this month. Then the Senate will convict him next month. (He really has been a very bad boy, in my opinion, what with all the shoving ice cream down our throats and tripping all over the damn place.) Then Vice President Harris will take the oath on the steps of the Capitol, followed by the traditional inaugural address (but not before the now-customary MAGA insurrection and bounty on Mike Pence's head). And then we all get to welcome our new vice president Hillary Clinton. After that, all the MAGAs go into cardiac arrhythmia and the planet lives happily ever after. So, uh, thanks Lauren?
CHEERS to being born! A hearty "Happy Birthday and many blessings on your camels" to Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, who turns [hffrrhffrrhrrr] today. Republicans fought tooth and nail to keep her from getting elected to the seat once occupied by the mighty Ted Kennedy, and it's easy to see why: her brains, common sense and willingness to expose the banksters and Trumpbots as the scum-sucking vampire squids they are have made her the ideological North Star for the Democratic party and a huge swath of independents. Here she is in action...
Our official C&J birthday gift to Senator Warren, as she continues her battle against the Republican forces of evil: a new pair of shoes with spikes in the toes. (Use them for good, ma’am. Only for good.)
JEERS to punishment via dumbstick. And then there's this little bit of scientific wankery, courtesy of the Catholic Church (still rife with pedophiles but more concerned with denying President Biden communion for not being a Republican). On June 22, 1633, Galileo Galilei was told that he had to "abjure, curse, and detest" his view that the earth revolved around the sun. Let's review the church's decree, shall we?
The proposition that the Sun is the center of the world and does not move from its place is absurd and false philosophically and formally heretical, because it is expressly contrary to Holy Scripture.
The proposition that the Earth is not the center of the world and immovable but that it moves, and also with a diurnal motion, is equally absurd and false philosophically and theologically considered at least erroneous in faith.
It took the Vatican over 350 years to admit their heads revolved around their asses. But they had a very good reason why: they were, like, y’know, busy with stuff.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to supporting the troops. 79 years ago today, President Roosevelt—he of the super-awesome Democratic Party—signed the G.I. Bill of Rights:
Although World War II was far from over, FDR was determined to plan ahead for a smooth transition to peace, both abroad and at home.
The President proposed to Congress a way to level the economic impact of the war’s end and to integrate returning veterans back into American society.
The result was the GI Bill.
Now widely credited with creating the post-war middle class, the GI Bill of Rights provided returning veterans with educational benefits, work training, hiring preferences, and subsidized loans for buying homes, businesses and farms. It continues today to be one of the lasting legacies of the Roosevelt administration.
It rewarded servicemen for their sacrifices with low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. Kind of like what our 43rd president (remember him?) wanted to do for servicemembers during his wartime presidency...minus the low-cost loans, educational subsidies and other benefits. (But double the deployments!)
JEERS to progress at the speed of Marsha Blackburn’s fastest brain cell. Sorry to break it to ya, ladies, but you don’t have to worry about achieving pay parity with the menfolk anymore, for the following reason: it's guaranteed not to happen during your lifetime…
A new report from the World Economic Forum estimates that women won’t attain parity with men for another 131 years. In other words, not until 2154.
The overall gender gap—a measurement of equality across the realms of the economy, politics, health and education—closed by a mere 0.3% as compared to last year, according to the WEF’s “Global Gender Gap Report 2023,” released Wednesday.
So now that we've settled that, maybe you could go in the kitchen and make me some breakfast?……...will be the last words of any male uttering them today.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 22, 2013
CHEERS and JEERS to environmental whatchamahoozie. Just a heads-up that tomorrow President Obama will deliver his plan to prevent human beings from parasitically destroying the planet. Fearless prediction: all the good stuff he proposes—but which he will never accomplish because Congress is too busy sniffing its own methane emissions—will be a way to "soften" the blow for liberals when he later approves the Keystone pipeline project in the middle of the night. Please don't call me a cynical person. I much prefer cynical bastard.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to remembering the “Great Sitstorm” of Aught Sixteen. Can't let the week squeak by without slipping into the wayback machine to remember the day we discovered that Democrats could stage a sit-down protest on the floor of the House, disrupting business and throwing the Republican majority into a tizzy. But there wasn't a thing they could do about it, in part because the leader of the resistance was a living American icon:
Led by civil rights icon Rep. John Lewis (D-GA), Democratic members of Congress literally sat on the House floor on Wednesday to demand action on gun control. Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) responded by ordering the cameras off and abruptly ending the session.
“We have lost hundreds of thousands of innocent people to gun violence,” Lewis said on the House floor during Wednesday’s morning session.
Dozens of Democratic members of Congress stood beside him, before they all took a seat on the floor.
“Tiny little children. Babies, students, and teachers. Mothers and fathers. Sisters and brothers. Daughters and sons. Friends and neighbors,” Lewis said. “And what has this body done?”
Watch him thunder and pound the lectern in righteous indignation on the House floor with his Democratic colleagues standing behind him. Indelible moment:
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And so they literally sat on the floor of the House, much to the delight of Americans sick and tired of gun violence, but to the chagrin of the congress members' backsides. Nobody expected Republicans to do anything constructive in response, but it achieved Lewis's goal of "making some noise" and getting Americans to notice which party is looking out for them. On that score: point Democrats.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
The soul-soothing effects of Cheers and Jeers are not just speculation. A recent study found that people who splashed in the kiddie pool for three weeks reported a less negative effect than the control group.
—USA Today
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