Wayback Whiplash: September 2014
Weird. Unless I get help from the “world wide web,” I can’t remember a damn thing about 2014 besides Obama was president and I was still writing C&J. Apparently anticipating this Billy brain freeze, we archived some of the currently still-idle late nighters’ takes on events from this month nine years ago. What a simpler time...
"Disney World has become a popular location for Republican fundraisers. A favorite activity is to ride through It's a Small World and deport most of the dolls."
—Conan O'Brien
"Former House Majority Leader Eric Cantor has taken a new job at a Wall Street investment bank. Now he can finally have some influence in Congress."
—Stephen Colbert
Continued...
You are now below the fold. A tropical storm watch is in effect.
"According to a report from the United Nations, the damage from global warming could be irreversible. It's clear we need to do something. We need to give the Earth the ice bucket challenge."
—Jimmy Kimmel
CNN Anchor: New York's junior senator, Kirsten Gillibrand, says she has been the target of some very inappropriate sexist comments right in the halls of Congress.
Jon Stewart: Not just sexist comments, but inappropriate sexist comments. That's my least-favorite kind of sexist comment.
—The Daily Show
"In a recent interview, Texas Governor Rick Perry revealed that he has spent the last twenty months preparing to run for president. Then Hillary said, 'Call me when you’ve spent 67 years.'”
—Jimmy Fallon
"You know who Americans hate more than we hate Russia? More than we hate Russia we hate our own Congress. The latest CNN poll puts the Russia’s approval rating at 19 percent and Congress' approval rating at 14 percent. So we American citizens are basically in a cold war with the 202 area code."
—Rachel Maddow
And to mark this weekend's passing of the cocktail-weenie baton from Chuck Todd to Kristen Welker:
"Meet the Press has fired host David Gregory and hired another guy—Chuck Todd—to host. To me, if your name is Chuck Todd, it might as well be David Gregory. Todd Chuck, Gregory David...it makes no difference. They're all interchangeable."
—David Letterman
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 15, 2023
Note: A critical, time-sensitive reminder that Sunday is National Apple Dumpling Day. Please, apples: dumple responsibly.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Indigenous Peoples Day: 24
Days 'til the Arizona State Fair in Phoenix: 7
Current year-over-year inflation rate: 3.7%
Additional investment the Biden administration is making in its "cancer moonshot" initiative: $240 million
Prison sentence handed down to MAGA traitor Joseph Padilla of Tennessee, who was seen frothing at the mouth during the Jan. 6 insurrection: 6.5 years
Percent chance that Sen. Mitt Romney is running for reelection: 0%
Months besides September that have the same number of letters in its name as the number of the month: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: The Four Corgiteers…
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CHEERS to impeaching the bastard. So-called "president" Joe Biden is finally feeling the heat from the Republican leadership of the United States House Of Representatives, and will soon pay for what he did with impeachment. I think we all know what he did. I think we're all well aware that Matt Gaetz and Jim Jordan and that Comer fella have the goods on him—enough to impeach, convict, remove, and send him away for many concurrent sentences of life in prison. The detailed list of transgressions in their possession is as long as your arm, but the top 10 are as awful as you'd expect:
☹ He did that one thing that one time, remember?
☹ Right after the one thing, he did that second thing and my god what a thing that was.
☹ The third thing came between the first thing and the second thing, which is even more damning than the other things because it defies the principles of basic math.
☹ He allegedly used offshore hidey holes to conceal the fourth, fifth, and sixth things. (Number 5 will shock you!)
☹ The seventh thing is so heinous, so grotesque, so unbelievably inhuman that the details must be concealed to prevent panic in the streets.
☹ How bad is the eighth thing? Try and ask any ice cream vendor about it and watch how fast they slam the door in your face!
☹ Then there's the ninth thing Biden did. Or rather, didn't do. May God have mercy on his soul for that one is all we can say. No joke, ladies and gentlemen, no joke.
☹ Number 10 involves… Well, let's just say we hope no momma ever lives to see her child grow up to do a thing like that.
Okay, okay, I'm finally ready to say it: help us, No Labels. You're our only hope.
CHEERS to Year 5784. Happy New Year again! Rosh Hashanah starts at Sundown and C&J wishes all of our Jewish readers a hearty "Shana Tova!" minus the Times Square ball drop:
The only similarity between the Jewish New Year and the secular one is:
Many people use the New Year as a time to make "resolutions." Likewise, the Jewish New Year is a time to begin looking back at the mistakes of the past year and planning the changes to be made in the new year. …
Rosh Hashana begins a 10 day period, known as Aseret Ymay Tshuva, (Ten Days of Repentance) or Yomim Nora'im (High Holy days). These ten days that end with Yom Kippur, are a time for Tshuva (repentance), Tefilla (prayer) and Tzedaka (charity).
Even though the C&J household is just a run-'o-the-mill lapsed-Episcopalian/lapsed-Catholic domicile, we’ll still take a moment to blow a ram's horn outside our neighbor's bedroom window at 3am. We figure, why break with our normal routine just because it's Rosh Hashanah?
CHEERS to “Old Bill.” Happy 163rd birthday to William Howard Taft. At 325 pounds, the 27th President (who later served as Chief Justice) was also our, um, "biggest boned." It's believed that his weight contributed to the fact that he was habitually sleepy. From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:
William Taft had an alarming habit of dozing off at the drop of a hat. And nothing was so important that it couldn’t be slept through—including cabinet meetings, funerals (he was in the front row of one when a catnap came over him), and campaign engagements.
He once slept through a campaign motorcade in New York City—his open car cruised the streets, the great man snoring for all the city to see.
Pay your respects here. And I doubt the old man would complain if you tossed him a bucket 'o ribs.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to memorable moments in attempted comedy. Fifty-five years ago tomorrow, in 1968, Richard Nixon appeared on Laugh-In and uttered the immortal words: "Sock it to me???" Here's the whole segment for context:
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I wish we had gotten the chance to sock it to him after the crook quit in '74. Thanks a lot, Gerald.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Quick roundup of TV-type stuffs on the weekend platter-o-plenty. Tonight starts with the unpacking of the Friday news dumps on MSNBC with Chris Hayes and the prime time lineup. Or you can catch the classic 1967 introduction of “Khan” during the original Star Trek episode Space Seed (H&I Network, 8 ET) with live-tweeting at hashtag #allstartrek.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The National Concussion League schedule is here, and the baseball lineup is here. (If you’re wondering when NHL and NBA seasons start: October 7th and October 24th. You’re welcome.)
Sunday evening on the season premiere of 60 Minutes: an interview of Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, and a story on the military reservists protesting the MAGAfication of Israel by Benjamin Netanyahu. Other than that...meh. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Kristen Welker reassures the show’s core viewers that she won’t be rocking the beltway boat as she takes over hosting duties from Chuck Todd. Her guest: MAGA Cult leader Donald Trump.
This Week: Next speaker of the House Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY); Rep. Nancy Mace (MAGA Cult-SC); Cindy McCain.
Face the Nation: Sean Penn talks about his Ukraine-centric documentary Superpower; Reps. Debbie Dingell (D-MI) and Mike Turner (MAGA Cult-OH).
CNN's State of the Union: Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-CA); Presidential candidate now soaring at 1% Mike Pence (MAGA Cult); and Bernie!!!
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep. Elise Stefanik (MAGA Cult-NY); Rep. Ro Khanna (D-CA); Presidential candidate now soaring at 2% Vivek Ramaswamy (MAGA Cult).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 15, 2013
CHEERS to de primary outcome. I was tempted to do de obvious thing and blurt out de name of de candidate who won de Democratic primary for de mayor's race in de city of New York. But then I got to thinkin', "Hey, why don't I have a little fun and make de C&J crowd guess who de victor is in de Big Apple on de east coast? It could be just de thing to get de cobwebs out of de brain first thing in de morning. Yeah—that's de ticket! So de ball's in your court. No fair Googling de answer, but I'll give you a hint: it's Bill [blank] Blasio. Good luck finding de answer!
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And just one more...
CHEERS to misty water-color memories of mayhem. August. 1991. I'm 27 and on vacation at my grandfather's cottage on the Maine coast twenty minutes south of Portland. He's 89. My nearly-60 mom is there, along with my sister, my four year-old brat nephew, ten month-old niece, dog, and cat that bites. Hurricane Bob is barreling up the coast. Weather Channel says wind speeds in Rhode Island are clocking in at 115. I've boarded up the place. We wait. We wait. We wait some more.
Then, suddenly and without a hint of warning, all hell breaks loose: my grandfather reminds me that I'd promised to drive him to the podiatrist for his 2:15 foot exam. Plus he needs to stop at the grocery store to pick up a fresh bottle of scotch whiskey. We go. While we're gone the evacuation order is given. We cannot return. Road's closed.
We eventually meet up with the rest of the family at Saco Middle School. Pandemonium ensues when we are told: NO dogs allowed. A riot is averted at last minute when we are told: Okay, okay…WELCOME DOGS! Power goes out, followed immediately by that haunting sound a crowd makes when something scary happens: "Oooohhawweeaww!" It's not total darkness, but dark enough that if you go into the restroom you stand a good chance of getting peed on by the disoriented among us.
After a while, cheers go up as everything outside turns calm…then SUNNY!!! Oh my god, cue Barry Manilow, we made it through the rain! Yippee!!! It's over! It's…….Aw fuck, it was just the eye passing over us. Back to our regularly-scheduled mayhem and Whap Whap Whap! of the peeling school roof.
We sit and sit and sit some more. I silently observe that southern Mainers need to take showers more often. Finally, Bob moves on. Seven hours later, we head back to our cottage made of sticks. It survives. We praise the circa-1895 builders. We toss the empty bottle of scotch whiskey in the recycle bin. The nephew is still a brat and the cat still bites. We go to bed. Tired and alive and thankful.
Back to the present: Hurricane Lee is barreling in our general direction. We are, once again, tiny specks on Mother Nature's hiney. May the gays, feminists and pagans be merciful upon us.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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