Late Night Snark: 2024 is Off and Running Edition
"During a speech in South Carolina, President Biden criticized former president Trump for attempting to overturn the election, and called him 'a loser.' Oh, come on. What has Trump ever lost besides an airline, his hotel, his golf course, the popular vote twice, the electoral vote once, two wives, a casino, most of his hair, and his mind? "
—Seth Meyers
"Trump was in court again today. Trump's spent so much time in court the sketch artists are running out of orange pastels."
—Jimmy Kimmel
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Leave your absolute immunity at the door.
"Boeing CEO David Calhoun reportedly held a staff-wide meeting yesterday after the FAA grounded dozens of its 737 Max-9 planes. He said if you need to talk, my door is always blown open."
—Seth Meyers
"CNN hosted the final Republican presidential debate between Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley. The first question was, 'If you two debate each other and no one watches, does it even make a sound?' It's like when you go to a concert and the only original members are the bass player and the guy on the tambourine."
—Jimmy Fallon
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Marjorie Taylor Greene: Mr. Chairman, I ask for unanimous consent to enter information for the record.
Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-MD): The minority has not been provided a copy of the material. For the record, in the past she's displayed pornography. Are pornographic photos allowed to be displayed in this committee room, Mr. Chairman?
MTG: It's not pornography.
Rep. Raskin: Okay. You're the expert.
—Wednesday's House Oversight Committee hearing on Hunter Biden
"Yesterday RFK, Jr. backed out of his own birthday fundraiser gala. The star-studded evening was slated to include Martin Sheen and Dionne Warwick. But you know who they didn’t tell? Martin Sheen and Dionne Warwick, because they both vehemently denied it, with Warwick saying: 'No, I'm not attending. No, I'm not backing him. No, no, and no!' Sounds like a harsh reply, but the RSVP did have the options WILL ATTEND and NO, NO, AND NO!"
—Stephen Colbert
And one year ago…
"A new study has found that using screen devices to stop a child's tantrums can harm their ability to control their emotions. The study is titled: Elon Musk."
—Colin Jost, SNL
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 12, 2024
Note: "You'll have to pry my cold dead hands from my cold dead hands," says cranky old man with four hands who refuses to come in out of snowstorm. Film at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til MLK Jr. Day: 3
Days 'til the Asian American Expo in La Verne, California: 1
Decrease in TV prices from their peak: -28%
Ratio of U.S. audio streams that consisted of a Taylor Swift song in 2023, according to entertainment data firm Luminate, up over 12% from 2022: 1-in-78
Minimum number of pharmaceutical drugs that could lose their exclusivity by 2030: 170
Number of Americans who have had their student loans forgiven under the Biden administration’s SAVE plan: 3.6 million
Amount fetched at auction for two 1998 “Ross’s Wedding, Part I and II” scripts from Friends found in a trash can: $36,000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: At the Arizona Humane Society, the first litter of the new year…
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CHEERS to a healthy pulse. Despite all attempts by Republicans to kill President Obama's Affordable Care Act, the darn thing just keeps on keepin' on. And just as we predicted a dozen years ago, it joins Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security among the programs over which even the MAGA cult warns the bureaucrats to "keep your government hands off of." This year 20 million people signed up for insurance through the ACA (with a few days left to sign up for coverage starting in February), in large part through the miracle of subsidized premiums and—to put it in complicated technical terms—telling people about it:
The nation’s top health official on Wednesday credited piqued interest in the coverage with an aggressive campaign to get people enrolled. The administration has worked with nonprofits across the the country, including in predominately Black and Latino communities, like South Florida, to get new people into coverage. […]
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The administration has also invested millions more dollars into hiring navigators who help people enroll, a program that was decimated while President Donald Trump, a longtime critic of so-called “Obamacare,” was in office.
Wow. It looks like the skeptics are suffering from a chronic case of wrongotheleoma. I have the perfect remedy for them: take two aspirin and shut the f*ck up.
JEERS to the tantrum of the week. They're so quiet that you may have missed hearing that, after a splendid holiday munching on rum balls and gingerbread cookies, the members of the Senate swathed themselves in their gussiest togas this week and got back to work...and within minutes majority leader Chuck Schumer had crafted a plan to avert a looming government shutdown. It was so good that he even got his Republican colleagues and House Majority Leader and porn-app aficionado Blandy McBlandface to go along with it. And then…of course…the House Baby Caucus had to start throwing their creamed corn all over the place:
Hard-right House Republicans on Thursday met with Speaker Mike Johnson and pressured him to renege on the spending deal he cut with Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., just days ago.
Some conservatives left the meeting proclaiming that they were successful. […]
Rep. Ralph Norman, R-S.C., a Freedom Caucus member who met with Johnson, said he came away with the belief that the speaker wants a new plan.
“My view: Speaker Johnson understands the present deal ... will not work,” Norman said.
The orcs say their demands are clear: defund everything that makes Americans healthy, wealthy and wise, and codify a ban on everybody always yelling "Hey asshole!" at them in airports, stores, and on the street. (They're very sensitive, you know.)
CHEERS to stopping with all the shooting and the banging and the bayoneting and whatnot. 240 years ago Sunday, on January 14, 1784, Congress ratified the Treaty of Paris, officially ending our War of Independence:
After the British defeat at Yorktown, peace talks in Paris began in April 1782 between Richard Oswarld representing Great Britain and the American Peace Commissioners Benjamin Franklin, John Jay, and John Adams.
The American negotiators were joined by Henry Laurens two days before the preliminary articles of peace were signed on November 30, 1782. The Treaty of Paris, formally ending the war, was not signed until September 3, 1783. The Continental Congress, which was temporarily situated in Annapolis, Maryland, at the time, ratified the Treaty of Paris on January 14, 1784.
Among the other provisions we secured from Britain: recognition of our borders, repairs to all the airports they damaged, and royalty-free Benny Hill reruns.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to discs that aren’t the herniated kind. Wham-O began producing the "Frisbee" 67 years ago this week. Ever wonder where the name comes from?
The Frisbie Baking Company (1871-1958) of Bridgeport, Connecticut, made pies that were sold to many New England colleges. Hungry college students soon discovered that the empty pie tins could be tossed and caught, providing endless hours of game and sport.
Many colleges have claimed to be the home of 'he who was first to fling.’ Yale College has even argued that in 1820, a Yale undergraduate named Elihu Frisbie grabbed a passing collection tray from the chapel and flung it out into the campus, thereby becoming the true inventor of the Frisbie and winning glory for Yale. That tale is unlikely to be true since the words 'Frisbie's Pies' was embossed in all the original pie tins and from the word 'Frisbie' was coined the common name for the toy.
Frisbees remind me of the Republican party: Lightweight, logic as contorted as a no-look reverse-flick backhanded corkscrew air bounce, and the only thing keeping them aloft is spin.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on the squawk box this weekend, starting with Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew processing the Friday news dumps. Or you can catch a new edition of Penn & Teller: Fool Us at 8 on the CW. And, as always, we’ll be live-tweeting tonight’s classic episode of Star Trek (“Wolf in the Fold,” with Scotty accused of murrrrrrder) at 8 via the H&I Network and hashtag #allstartrek.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Tina Fey’s update of Mean Girls is the notable draw this week.) The NHL schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. Emma Stone hosts an encore edition SNL. Sunday on 60 Minutes: the crisis in commercial real estate, and a breakthrough in the treatment of Alzheimer’s. The Critics Choice Awards hosted by Chelsea Handler air on The CW Sunday at 7. Then at 9 HBO premieres the limited series True Detective: Night Country starring Jodie Foster, which is getting boffo reviews. And when that’s over it’s off to bed because you have a busy week ahead.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Governor Tim Walz (D-MN); Sen. Joni Ernst (MAGA-IA).
Face the Nation: Sen. Joe Manchin (Joe Manchin-WV); Governor Chris Sununu (MAGA-NH).
CNN's State of the Union: Bernie!!! Plus Governor Pudding Fingers (MAGA-FL).
This Week: Governor J.B. Pritzker (D-IL); Governor Ron GaySantis (MAGA-FL); Reince priebus stops by to let us know how his decade-long GOP “rebranding” effort is going.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Joe Manchin; Nikki “What about slavery?” Haley; Governor Ron “Twinkle Toes” DeSantis (MAGA-FL).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 12, 2014
CHEERS to gravity-defiance. Good news for anyone making plans to be a "space tourist" one day. A company called Virgin Galactic launched its SS2 spacecraft and then turned on its thrusters for several moments of unfettered thrusting—longer and harder than ever before—until it reached a dramatic climax at 71,000 ft. and then fell into an exhausted but immensely satisfied and intact heap on the tarmac. In response, the American Family Association called for an immediate boycott of Virgin Galactic for promoting such disgusting behavior.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to U.S. Mint-y freshness. Remember a million years ago when the U.S. Mint finally put a woman—Susan B. Anthony—on the silver dollar, but confusion reigned because they shrunk the coin down to virtually the same size as a quarter and the vending-machine industry went ballistic? It was the darkest period in our nation's history, and somehow we muddled through. In 2022 the Mint tried again by releasing the first of the American Women quarters series. And with the sands in the 2023 hourglass having run out, it’s time for a preview of the Class of 2024:
As the quarters continue with their release schedule, we'll also be anticipating the eventual arrival of several trailblazing women on our paper money, including Harriet Tubman, who will chase Andrew Jackson around with a rug beater until he cowers on the back of the twenty while she takes her proper place in front. Fun times ahead, and C&J will keep you posted on their imminent arrival. To “coin” a phrase that makes “cents”: you can "bank" on it!
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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