Late Night Snark: Silly Season Begins
"Donald Trump won the Iowa caucus with 51 percent of the vote. It's worth noting that this caucus was decided by 14 percent of the state's registered Republicans. So Trump won 51 percent of 14 percent of about a quarter of the population of one state out of fifty. So the results are less the will of the people and more the will of Carl."
—Stephen Colbert
"Trump picked up an endorsement from the gentleman who beat him in Iowa in 2016: Ted 'Cancun' Cruz. Ted Cruz endorsing Donald Trump is like a tick endorsing Lyme disease."
—Jimmy Kimmel
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Did you remember to tip the valet?
"In a new interview with Fox News, presidential candidate Nikki Haley said that the U.S. has 'never been a racist country.' So if her campaign doesn’t pan out, she can always get a job teaching history in Florida."
—Seth Meyers
"Here in New York City we got our first real snowfall in almost two years. Today I tipped a kid who was shoveling outside of 30 Rock. He said, 'Thanks, Mr. Fallon.' I said, 'No, thank you, Mr. Ramaswamy.' "
—Jimmy Fallon
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"We have released into the wild hundreds of queens. And listen, If a drag queen wants to read you a story at a library, listen to her because knowledge is power, and if someone tries to restrict your access to power, they are trying to scare you. So listen to a drag queen!"
—RuPaul, accepting the 5th Reality Competition Series Emmy for RuPaul's Drag Race. He also won the Best Reality Host award for the 8th consecutive time—the most wins by a person of color.
"The Feds are banning humorous electronic signs on highways, with officials claiming that 'signs with references to pop culture or those intended to be funny can be distracting to drivers.' By 2026, the regulations dictate that signs should be 'simple, direct, and brief.' Which is why for those entering new York City, the signs will simply read: F*CK YOU, NEW JERSEY."
—Stephen Colbert
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 19, 2024
Note: Nobody won today’s Cheers and Jeers $50 billion lottery jackpot because for some reason you all picked five numbers and a “bonus” number, when the winning number was just 1. My god, people, if any of you had just mumbled the word “one” to the cashier, you’d have $50 billion sitting in your driveway right now. Oh well. You can try again during our next drawing in 2068. Good luck!
—Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Groundhog Day: 14
Days 'til the Great Fruitcake Toss in Manitou Springs, Colorado: 8
Year-over-year increase in December retail sales: 5.6%
Homebuilder sentiment in January, up 7 points from December and the biggest rise since September according to the National Association of Home Builders Index: 44
Number of arson wildfires some Canadian conspiracy chucklehead admitted he started after claiming they were started by the government: 14
Acres of forest, roughly the size of North Dakota, that burned last year during Canada's worst wildfire season ever: 45.5 million
Number of homes President Biden wants powered by offshore wind farms by 2030: 10 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Anyone else seeing spots?
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CHEERS to order in the court. Let's check in and see how Trump attorney Alina Habba is doing as she defends her client in front of Judge Lewis Kaplan during the E. Jean Carroll defamation trial:
HABBAS: Your honor, I submit into evidence…the murder weapon!
JUDGE KAPLAN: This isn’t a murder trial, counsel.
HABBAS: I demand you move this trial to the walk-in freezer at Mar-a-Lago!
JUDGE KAPLAN: Denied. Sit down.
HABBAS: I will not sit down, your so-called "honor." I accuse this chair of being woke and I demand a mistrial!
JUDGE KAPLAN: That's it. I'm giving you a time-out to rethink your legal strategy. Sit in the corner over there while I call your mother. You may take your blanky but not your smartphone. And no thumb sucking. Court adjourned until 3:30.
HABBAS: Waaaaahhh!!!
JUDGE KAPLAN: They're not paying me enough.
Monday: attorney Habbas trots out the Chewbacca defense, the gay panic defense, the Twinkie defense, and the little-used "Okay, fine, he's guilty as f*ck" defense. Memo to Judge Kaplan: you're right—not nearly enough.
CHEERS to today's edition of Well, I Guess That Settles It, Then. Courtesy of Nikki Haley:
“We’re not a racist country, Brian. We’ve never been a racist country.”
This has been today's edition of Well, I Guess That Settles It, Then. (And don’t call me Brian.)
CHEERS to good spelling. On this date in 1955, three years after Macy's made it a household name in America, Scrabble made its debut in Australia and the UK. If what I read is correct, the highest scoring word if you hit all the right bonus squares is still "sesquioxidizing." Meanwhile my highest-scoring word while sober is still "cow.”
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to gridlock as usual. The House and Senate passed a stopgap bill to avert a partial government shutdown. They're giving each federal agency $50 to last the weekend. And they better not blow it all on snacks and soda pop or they're grounded. Which everyone agrees would be especially bad for the FAA.
CHEERS to small town celebrations. On January 20, 1981, 52 Americans held hostage in Iran for 444 days were finally freed. One of them, Bert Moore, lived in my hometown—Mt. Vernon, Ohio—and his son was in my class. As Rachel Maddow reminded us recently, President James Earl Carter—NOT President Ronald F*cking Reagan—was responsible for negotiating the deal, and flew to Germany to welcome the hostages as they landed. I love this pic:
The homecoming celebration for Bert Moore at our high school gymnasium (I played baritone horn on 'Tie A Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree' as Senators John Glenn and Howard Metzenbaum tapped their toes in approval) was Americana personified. Some days you just never forget.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Very disappointed that our weekly roundup of what’s on the weekend TV schedule failed to win a single Emmy or Critics Choice Award. Shame! Shame! Shame! But we muddle on anyway, bruised ego and all.
It’s a quiet weekend, actually. Tonight you can catch a new edition of Penn & Teller: Fool Us at 8 on the CW. And, as always, we’ll be live-tweeting tonight’s classic episode of Star Trek (“Return to Tomorrow,” with Kirk and Spock allowing aliens to inhabit their bodies) at 8 via the H&I Network and hashtag #allstartrek.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. Jacob Elordi (Saltburn, Euphoria) hosts SNL. No 60 Minutes or Simpsons Sunday night, but ABC airs the trippy Disney animated flick Soul, and at 9 there’s episode 2 of the hit HBO series True Detective: Night Country with Jodie Foster.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
CNN's State of the Union: Puke DeSantis (MAGA Cult-FL).
This Week: Biden Deputy Campaign Manager Quentin Fulks; White House Deputy National Security Adviser Jon Finer; Gov. Doug Burgum (MAGA Cult-ND).
Face the Nation: Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI); Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (MAGA Cult-AR); Nikki Haley.
Meet the Press: Damn fine Senator Maggie Hassan (D-NH); Ron DeSantis; Gov. Chris Sununu (MAGA Cult-NH).
Fox MAGA Talking Points Sunday: Sen. J.D. Vance (MAGA Cult-OH); Reps. Thomas Massie (MAGA Cult-KY) and Ralph Norman (MAGA Cult-SC).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 19, 2014
JEERS to unpleasant encounters. During a Senate committee hearing on drone policy yesterday afternoon, Senator Dianne Feinstein said she was minding her own business when she suddenly found herself being stared at by a drone. Also yesterday afternoon, during a hearing on human policy, a drone said it was minding its own business when it suddenly found itself being stared at by Dianne Feinstein. Conclusion: laws are needed.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the most beautiful spread of land in the universe. Happy 95th Birthday to Maine’s Acadia National Park. Miles and miles of unspoiled and federally protected (though recently storm-battered) nature that invites travelers to rest their weary bones and let the soul-replenishing eye candy revive their hopes for a better tomorrow:
Come on up and visit sometime. For your maximum enjoyment, bring sturdy boots and sunscreen. For our maximum enjoyment, bring lots of credit cards.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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