Late Night Snark: Granite State Edition
"Former president Donald Trump won the New Hampshire primary. Trump cruised to victory, and like most cruises half the people partied while the other half felt really sick."
—Jimmy Fallon
"He beat Nikki Haley by double digits. He's also leading Nikki Haley by double digits in felony charges, 91 to zero."
—Jimmy Kimmel
Continued...
You are now below the fold. No sober lifeguard on duty.
Clip of candidate Dean Phillips conceding in New Hampshire: Congratulations to President Biden, who absolutely won tonight, but by no means in a way that a strong incumbent president should.
Stephen Colbert: Really? You're dissing the guy who just curb-stomped you without being on the ballot? It's not a great look. It's like coming home with a black eye and saying, 'You should see the other guy. He's 81years old, didn’t show up, and still kicked my ass.' "
—The Late Show
Jon Stewart returns to The Daily Show Mondays thru November.
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"South Carolina senator Tim Scott endorsed Donald Trump. But remember, most Trump supporters only count him as three-fifths of an endorsement."
—Michael Che, SNL
"Today was National Florida Day. To learn more about Florida's history, go to school somewhere else."
—Seth Meyers
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 26, 2024
Note: Due to the strong economy, everyone gets a free ice cream cone. Put it on Dark Brandon’s tab.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Groundhog Day: 7
Days 'til the Wuertz Farm Gourd Festival in Casa Grande, Arizona: 7
Membership size of the UAW, which just endorsed Joe Biden for reelection: 400,000
Percent of Gen Z adults (age 18-25) who identify as LGBTQ+ according to polling by the Public Religion Research Institute: 28%
Maine's unemployment rate, versus the national average of 3.7%: 3.2%
Value of Microsoft as of Wednesday, only the second company after Apple to hit this threshold: $3 trillion
Width of Australia from east to west, making it wider than the moon’s diameter (3,400 km): 4,000 km
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Takin’ the shortcut…
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CHEERS to Dark Brandon: Recession Slayer! My god, it's almost like President Biden knows what he's doing or something—like all those years of public service as a senator and vice president gave him knowledge, perspective, experience, and the managerial chops to capably lead our nation where others have failed. This is why the other countries (and the American MAGA-Russia party) remain jealous of us:
The economy grew at a much more rapid pace than expected in the final three months of 2023, as the U.S. easily skirted a recession that many forecasters had thought was inevitable, the Commerce Department reported Thursday.
Gross domestic product, a measure of all the goods and services produced, increased at a 3.3% annualized rate in the fourth quarter of 2023, according to data adjusted seasonally and for inflation.
That compared with the Wall Street consensus estimate for a gain of 2% in the final three months of the year. The third quarter grew at a 4.9% pace. [...]
The U.S. economy for all of 2023 accelerated at a 2.5% annualized pace, well ahead of the Wall Street outlook at the beginning of the year for few if any gains and better than the 1.9% increase in 2022.
And on the jobs front, unemployment claims remain the lowest since 1970. Amazingly, none of the newly-unemployed included incompetent economic forecasters.
JEERS to the dick in the dock. He said the January 6th Committee that subpoenaed him to testify could go pound sand. He said he would never see the inside of a prison cell. He said he'd get off easy to own the libs. He said he was as innocent as a delicate little flower. Well, for former Trump White House suckup Peter Navarro, Delicate Little Flower is going to be his nickname for four months…in the slammer:
Navarro was convicted in September on one count of contempt of Congress over his refusal to appear for a deposition in front of the committee, and on a second count for refusing to produce documents. […]
Navarro is the second Trump adviser to be convicted and sentenced for refusing to cooperate with the Jan. 6 panel, after Steve Bannon was found guilty in July of defying a Jan. 6 committee subpoena.
To whoever his cellmate is: thoughts and prayers and, most important, earplugs.
P.S. Meanwhile...
Only the best compensatory damages, believe me.
JEERS to the cringe heard around the world. On January 26, 1998, President Clinton spoke the immortal words: "I want to say one thing to the American people: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky." He was, of course, lying like a bearskin rug on which one might have sexual relations. But in fairness, Ken Starr's investigation clearly showed that the Oval Office blow jobs were official business. Clinton was just practicing for his upcoming budget negotiations with Congress.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to old soldiers. Today is General Douglas MacArthur's 144th birthday. After destroying the Japanese forces during World War II, he gained their respect as Military Governor of Japan, but then he became too much of a loose cannon over Korea and got fired by President Truman. Afterward...
There was an unsuccessful attempt by Republicans to have him run for President in 1952, but he deferred, and the nomination went to General of the Army Dwight D. Eisenhower.
After retirement, he became Chairman of the Board for the Remington Rand Corporation, and spent his remaining years in NYC, speaking out on public issues.
His final address, in January 1962, to the graduating class at West Point is considered one of his finest speeches.
Pay your respects here. In his farewell address to Congress, MacArthur said that old soldiers never die, they just fade away. Thanks to the size of his ego, he'll finish fading sometime during the next ice age.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Since our nation is still mostly in the capable hands of Democrats, we can relax a bit and spend some couch time with the teevee this weekend, starting tonight with Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew parsing the Friday news dumps.
Or you can catch a new Penn & Teller: Fool Us starting at 8 on the CW, which competes with the U.S. Women’s Figure Skating Championships on NBC. The new movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. Dakota Johnson hosts SNL, with musical notes provided by up-and-comer Justin Timberlake.
On 60 Minutes: a report on understaffed American prisons and the crime fighters at Interpol. Meanwhile, the Superb Owl competitors will be determined Sunday when the Baltimore Ravens face the Kansas City Chiefs for the AFC title (3pm, CBS) and the Detroit Lions (Not a typo!!!) take on the San Francisco 49ers for the NFC Championship (6:30, Fox). As always, I'm putting all my money on whichever team’s offense uses Romulan-style cloaking technology.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: AOC!!! Plus MAGA presidential candidate Nikki Haley.
This Week: Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-CA); Sen. Tim Scott (MAGA-Trump’s Ass); Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General CQ Brown.
CNN's State of the Union: Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi; Gov. Kristi Noem (MAGA-SD); Rep. Debbie Dingell (D-MI).
Face the Nation: United Auto Workers President Shawn Fain; Biden energy policy adviser Amos Hochstein; Save the Children CEO Janti Soeripto on the situation in Gaza; Sens. Tim Kaine (D-VA) and Jim Lankford (MAGA-OK).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Rick Sssssscott (MAGA-Sunning on a rock in Florida) and Jim Lankford (MAGA-OK); Rep. Michael McCaul (MAGA-TX); NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 26, 2014
CHEERS to the silly season. Senator John McCain---he who unleashed the tea party movement on our country by choosing Sarah Palin to be one heartbeat away from the presidency—got his dimpled Arizona butt formally censured by his own team…namely, the Arizona GOP. Reason: insufficiently conservative. To put that in perspective, that's like getting tut-tutted by a fellow country club member for not replacing a ball mark on a putting green. Upon hearing the news, McCain cried all the way to all twelve of his houses.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the land down under. Hit it…
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Happy Australia Day 2024. But if you come near me with anything resembling vegemite, I'm calling in a drone to drop a loogie on your opera house.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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