Late Night Snark: Groundhog Day Edition
"[Trump] has been telling people, 'I'm more popular than Taylor Swift and my fans are more committed than her fans.’ Who is he kidding? Taylor Swift is so popular, people want to watch her watching a football game. … This fight he's about to pick with Taylor Swift might be what does it: what's finally going to bring down Donald Trump will be an army of pissed-off Swifties."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"Some MAGA citizens out there are taking things into their own hands, with a group of QAnon-world influencers and anti-vaxxers having organized a Take Our Border Back convoy headed to Texas. Organizers said they were expecting 700-thousand participants. But as of yesterday afternoon the convoy was just a few dozen, predominantly men over the age of 60. So it's less a convoy and more a Denny's at 10am."
—Stephen Colbert
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Next stop: Albuquerque
"The jury in his defamation case has ordered Donald Trump to pay writer E. Jean Carroll 83.3 million dollars. That's how unlikable he is. For perspective, O.J. Simpson only had to pay $33 million for a double murder. … The only way this could've gone worse for Trump is if they took away his businesses, which is of course what happens in next week's trial."
—Colin Jost, SNL
"President Biden is planning to send the director of the CIA to broker a deal between Israel and Hamas. Because no one eases tensions in the Middle East quite like the CIA."
—Michael Che, SNL
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"According to a new poll, President Biden has a strong lead over former president Trump, thanks to female voters. Trump can't understand why he's losing the female vote. He was like, 'No one has paid off more women than me.' "
—Jimmy Fallon
"Before the bipartisan tax bill passed yesterday, Republican senator Chuck Grassley said that he did not support the legislation because it could make President Biden look good. And Grassley does not like being shown up by the younger generation!"
—Seth Meyers
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 2, 2024
Note: We trust you’ll be in our pews this Sunday to witness the awesome destructive power of our fully charged and operational secret Episcopalian Death Star. But first, we’ll sing all 22 verses of Hymn 346 and then snarf down some pancakes for Jesus. Wait, did I say 22 verses? I meant all 138. Come to think of it, maybe we’ll do the pancakes first. Whatevs. Blah blah blah Amen.
—Pastor Billeh
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the South Carolina primary: 1
Days 'til the Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo Cook-Off in Manitou Springs, Colorado: 8
Percent increase in green energy spending globally last year, totaling $2.8 trillion: 17%
Percent chance that it's enough to get us to net-zero emissions: 0%
Minimum number of reports of lasers being illegally pointed at aircraft in flight last year, a record high and over 3,000 more than in 2022, according to the FAA: 13,000
Number of Maine counties for which President Biden made a storm-related disaster declaration, freeing up funds for repairs: 10
Amount by which the Eiffel tower grows in the summer because of thermal expansion: 6"
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to Little Mister Sunshine. By outward appearances, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell embodies the non-smiling, button-down country club Republican whose career as a fixture in D.C. legal and financial circles seemed baked in the cake as soon as he was born. When it comes to the economy, his mantra seems to be, "Not good enough yet." Frustrating as hell. But the latest positive numbers from the various Departments of Numbers are hard to argue with, and they seem to have had the effect of making Powell's heart grow three sizes Wednesday:
“This is a good situation. Let’s be honest. This is a good economy,” Powell told reporters after the conclusion of a central bank meeting on setting interest rates. […]
“The labor market, 3.7% unemployment, indicates that the labor market is strong. We’ve had just about two years now of unemployment under 4%. That hasn’t happened in 50 years. … And we’ve seen inflation come down.”
The economy grew at a solid pace of 3.3% in the final three months of 2023 and 2.5%for the year as a whole—an astonishing result considering the near-unanimity among economists as 2023 began that a recession was inevitable. … There are signs that voters are beginning to brighten up about the economy.
How good are things right now? So good that House Republicans have introduced articles of impeachment. Against the economy.
JEERS to schlemiels on wheels. A bunch of brainwashed MAGA truckers are in the process of wasting their time and a lot of money driving to Texas to share their B.O. with like-minded cultists while something something something’ing against illegal immigrants tomorrow. And just like last year's D.C. beltway fiasco, the "Take Our Border Back" convoy—headed for locations in Texas, Arizona, and California—is getting off to the kind of start you'd expect:
Some right-wing media outlets have boosted organizers’ claims of 700,000 expected participants on Saturday and thousands of trucks in the convoy, but images and livestreams from the convoy have indicated much smaller numbers. One video posted Wednesday afternoon showed a few dozen vehicles and a few semi-trucks. […]
The first convoy to leave Virginia on Monday got off to a bit of a rough start, livestreams posted by individuals embedded in the convoy show. A Wired reporter described the convoy's first day as "a complete mess" as it made its way to Florida. As Vice first reported, many potential supporters are suspicious of the event, posting on social media that they believe it is some sort of government setup.
After seeing that these nutballs have actual licenses to drive these 18-wheel death machines on our roads, I think I'll be trading in my Honda. For a Jet Pack.
CHEERS to #1. 235 years ago Sunday, in 1789, George Washington—who was always “the tallest man in the room”—clinched the presidency with 69 electoral votes. Upon hearing the news, he said his feelings were "not unlike those of a culprit who is going to the place of his execution." His first official act: providing all Americans equal access to quality mattresses at low, low discount prices, a fine February tradition that lives on to this day.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to bold leadership. 76 years ago today, in 1948, President Harry Truman made the racists cry by urging Congress to adopt recommendations by a presidential commission on civil rights. It's almost breathtaking in scope. He ended his message to Congress with this, a statement that resonates just as loudly today:
[W]e must protect our civil rights so that by providing all our people with the maximum enjoyment of personal freedom and personal opportunity we shall be a stronger nation—stronger in our leadership, stronger in our moral position, stronger in the deeper satisfactions of a united citizenry.
We know that our democracy is not perfect. But we do know that it offers freer, happier life to our people than any totalitarian nation has ever offered.
If we wish to inspire the peoples of the world whose freedom is in jeopardy, if we wish to restore hope to those who have already lost their civil liberties, if we wish to fulfill the promise that is ours, we must correct the remaining imperfections in our practice of democracy.
We know the way. We only need the will.
Oh...did I mention he's a Democrat? He’s a Democrat.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If it's Friday, the boob tube must be singing its siren song. The viewing starts off the usual way with Chris Hayes and his fellow MSNBC hosts digesting the Friday news dumps. There’s also a new edition of Penn & Teller: Fool Us at 8 on the CW.
The new movies and streaming goodies, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here and the NHL all-star game is tomorrow afternoon on ABC. Pebble Beach, aka Jack Nicklaus's favorite golf course in the world, hosts its annual Pro-Am airing on CBS tomorrow and Sunday afternoon. Or you can catch U.S. Championships figure skating Sunday afternoon at 4 on NBC.
Tomorrow night the Grio Awards for Black excellence airs at 8 on CBS, while Ayo Edebiri (“The Bear,” “Abbott Elementary”) hosts SNL with promising newcomer Jennifer Lopez as musical guest.
On 60 Minutes: a one-hour explanation from Scott Pelley for why there was no edition of 60 Minutes last Sunday. (I’m not buyin’ it, Scott!) Sunday night at the 66th Grammy Awards (CBS), for reasons no one will be able to explain, 91-year-old John Williams will sweep every heavy metal category, prompting a total audit of the ballots in search of bamboo fibers. (None will be found and he gets to keep the trophies.) And on HBO there’s a new episode of the Jodie Foster series True Detective: Night Country at 9, followed by the season premiere of Curb Your Enthusiasm at 10. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Speaker-in-name-only and porn app specialist Rep. Mike I Forget His Last Name (MAGA Cult-LA); Steve Kornacki with new NBC News poll numbers.
CNN's State of the Union: Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC); Thorn-in-Trump’s-side Nikki Haley.
This Week: de facto House Speaker Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY); Senator JD Vance (MAGA Cult-OH).
Face the Nation: One-term Senator Kyrsten Sinema (Kyrsten Sinema-AZ); Reps. Jim Himes (D-CT) and Mike Turner (MAGA Cult-OH); IMF director Kristalina Georgieva.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Professional angry pearl clutcher Sen. Lindsey Graham (MAGA Cult-SC).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 2, 2014
JEERS to minor clarifications. In light of new information that he did, in fact, know about the lane closures in Fort Lee when they were happening, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie issued the following correction:
"Oh….THAT bridge? Why didn't you say so? I thought you were talking about a different bridge! Let me say this about that…"
[ker-SLAM!]
"Drive! Drive!"
I trust this ends the matter.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to furry fortunetellers. If today feels like the day before, Surprise! It's Groundhog Day. Here’s the roundup of how the various critters fared this morning after their slumbers were rudely interrupted for the amusement of humans in top hats demanding climatology predictions within a 0.000001 margin of error:
Shubenacadie Sam (Nova Scotia): Early spring!
Beau (Lilburn, GA): Early Spring!
Buffalo Burt: Six more weeks of winter
Staten Island Chuck: Early spring!
Wiarton Willie (Ontario): Early spring!
Dunkirk Dave (Dunkirk, NY): Early spring!
Punxsutawney Phil: At Gobblers Knob, PA, the "official" groundhog predicts an early spring
Buckeye Chuck (Marion, OH): Early spring!
Buffalo Bert: Six more weeks of winter.
“Jimmy” (Sun Prairie, Wisconsin): Early spring!
Fred la Marmotte (Quebec): Early spring!
Conclusion: Bert and Burt are not team players.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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