Late Night Snark: One MAGA Fail After Another Edition
Clip of network news reporter: Alexander Smirnov was arrested Wednesday, charged with lying about financial ties between the president, his son Hunter, and the Ukrainian energy company Burisma…allegations that have been central to the Republicans' impeachment push.
Guest host Desi Lydic: Not only was this guy lying about Joe Biden getting bribes, the FBI says he was also working with Russian intelligence. Yeah—Russia again! Can we please get a new storyline? Just once I want to hear that Bhutan is meddling in our elections, just to mix things up. I mean, didn’t we just find out that aliens are real? Maybe they want to get in on this.
—The Daily Show
"This is going to be a huge year for a court that has seldom been more powerful, and yet respect for it has seldom been lower. It's hard to think of anything people have less confidence in right now, aside from maybe the window seats in Boeing planes.”
—John Oliver, on how only 18% of Americans have "great confidence" in the Supreme Court
Continued...
You’re now below the fold. Watch your step by the frozen-embryo playground.
"When asked about congressional Democrats flipping a seat in [last] week's special election, House Speaker Mike Johnson criticized Representative-elect Tom Suozzi and accused him of campaigning—quote—'like a Republican.' It says something that that was the meanest insult he could come up with."
—Seth Meyers
"Here in New York a man was sentenced after he was caught at the border with pythons in his pants. Authorities say they became suspicious when he checked 'Yes' on the customs form where it asks, Is that a python in your pants or are you just happy to enter the U.S.? "
—Stephen Colbert
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"Trump was banned from doing business in New York for three years and fined 355-million dollars. It could be the end of the Trump organization as we know it. But after the news broke, some other companies reached out with some helpful words. For instance, Radio Shack said: Just walk toward the light. And Blockbuster Video said: Don’t cry because it's over; smile because it happened."
—Jimmy Fallon
"The attorney general of New York Letitia James…said that if he doesn’t come up with the money, she might seize Trump Tower. Turns out one of the downsides to putting your name on everything you own is everyone knows who owns it. It would be refreshing to see a woman grabbing his assets for a change. When you're attorney general they let you do it. You don’t even ask, you just seize. You grab 'em by the property."
—Jimmy Kimmel
And three years ago this week…
"Rush Limbaugh has died at the age of 70. The death of the staunchly-conservative defender of Republican family values was announced today by his fourth wife."
—Me
Let’s set for a spell and continue not missing him. Together. As a people. As a nation. As a continent. As a planet. And, time permitting, as a universe.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 23, 2024
Note: Thanks to exciting new nanotechnology, the pixels on your screen are now flavor crystals! When you type ORANGE and lick your screen, for example, it tastes like orange! Type COCONUT and it tastes like coconut! One small caveat: just make sure you don’t have the word "bullshit" on your screen at the same time. —C&J R&D
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til opening day for major league baseball: 34
Days 'til the 59th annual Phoenix Scottish Games: 7
Increase in the cost of checking a bag on an American Airlines flight: $30 to $35 (and $45 for a 2nd bag)
Amount U.S. casinos won last year, their best year ever: $66.5 billion
Price fetched at auction for President George H.W. Bush's speedboat Fidelity V: $435,000
Top speed of the 38-foot boat: 75mph
Percent of the lyrics in The Beatles’ Hey Jude that are, respectively, “na’s” and “Jude’s”: 46%, 9%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to a brief glance in the rearview mirror. As we cross the finish line of another work week (the 2,915th of my career), let's take a quick moment to review what we learned before we dig into the potato salad:
» President Biden is a smart, resilient, kind-hearted, steely-eyed badass who’s fighting his heart out for democracy here and around the world. He continues to galvanize the resolve of the NATO alliance, knock Republicans back on their heels, tear the practitioners of ageism a new asshole and forgive student loan debt for another 150,000 students. Give him some ice cream, Jill, no joke, no joke.
» Thanks to liberal judge Janet Protasiewicz's election to the state Supreme Court last year, Wisconsin Democrats have broken the seemingly-endless cycle of elections tilted in favor of Republicans. Governor Tony Evers (D) signed new maps into law this week, which means the state legislature could flip this November and usher in a new era of progress for you besieged and battered badger staters.
» Category-5 sighs of relief touched off a wave of tornadoes as outgoing Democratic Senator and attention hog Joe Manchin announced that, nope, he's not running for president on a No Labels ticket.
» House Republicans and the right-wing noise machine lost the last shred of the credibility they never had when it was revealed that the star witness in the Biden impeachment investigation lied about what he knew, and got those lies delivered to his stupid brain by Russian operatives.
» Donald Trump still owes half a billion dollars he doesn’t have in fines and penalties, and via his stupid rallies he continues providing bucketfuls of deranged fodder for Biden campaign commercials.
Not bad for five itty bitty days. And what will next week bring? I could tell you but that would reveal my secret identity as a mad time-traveling professor. Instead…here, try the potato salad. It was made fresh next Tuesday.
JEERS to the big bully. Ceding this bit of space for a special guest editorial, sent to us scrawled on the back of a cocktail napkin:
President Joe Biden called Russian President Vladimir a "crazy SOB" and we demand he take it back!
President Putin is for peace and love and border security and frozen embryos and shopping-cart escalators in all the supermarkets. All he wants to do for humanity is plant flowers for all the vases and grain for all the silos. President Biden, on the other hand, continues plotting to detonate the earth's core with his deep state Jewish space laser operated by the gazpacho police and drag queens from his secret bunker run by disrobed judges in the hellscape of San Francisco.
How dare the shrewd, cunning, indefatigable evil mastermind and simultaneously doddering, tired old fogey Biden hurt the feelings of Vladimir and his gentle soul. We won’t stand for it, and have added "Acts of Meanness" to his impeachment inquiry. The nerve! Really! HE'S THE SOB!
—The Republican Party in 2024, as dictated to in a dark alley by Russia
At least I think that's what it says. Some of it was hard to read through the tear stains.
CHEERS to being a fly on the wall. One can only imagine what really happened on Sunday’s date in 1793, when George Washington held his first cabinet meeting at his estate at Mount Vernon. But one thing is certain: Hamilton was convinced that Jefferson's mother wore combat boots, and Jefferson was positive that Hamilton would be best served by irrigating his nose with a rubber hose. I believe the president sent them both to bed without supper.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to really crappy odds. On February 23, 1836, three thousand Mexicans attacked 182 Texans at The Alamo. By this account, it was intense:
Brandishing his assault rifle, Six-star General Ronald Reagan and his second-in-command, Colonel Donald Trump, took turns picking off the attackers as Dan Crenshaw and Ted Cruz loaded and fired the two functional cannons.
After Democrats fled in panic, Matt Gaetz and members of the House Freedom Caucus arrived in the nick of time to save the day. The surrender ceremony was conducted on a battleship, followed by a ticker tape parade featuring all the tanks and missile launchers in the glorious American freedom arsenal.
That's why today San Antonio is the capitol of the United States and God hates libturd moonbats.
Um, Texas school board textbook committee? I think we need to have a little chat.
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick roundup of boob-tubage for the final weekend of February. The news is always plentiful on the cable channels. At 8 you can live-tweet sci-fi snark with me during the classic Star Trek episode “Turnabout Intruder” (H&I Network and hashtag #allstartrek), or catch a new episode of Penn & Teller: Fool Us! on the CW. Actor Liev Schreiber talks about his Ukraine-relief organization BlueCheck tonight with Margaret Hoover on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. The Screen Actors Guild Awards—aka the “serious” acting awards—stream Saturday night at 8 exclusively on Netflix. Standup comedian Shane Gillis, fired from SNL after only 5 days at SNL in 2019, hosts—[checks notes]—SNL.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: American companies are pushing the ‘pause’ button in China as they deal with increased intellectual property theft and espionage, and an update on the situation in Gaza. Then Lisa becomes a pro kid go-kart racer on The Simpsons. And the weekend gets wrapped up with a snarky bow on HBO, with new episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm and Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; Gov. Gavin Newsom (D-CA); Rep. Byron Donalds (MAGA Cult-FL).
This Week: Jake Sullivan; Senator Tammy Duckworth (D-IL).
Face the Nation: Ambassador of Ukraine to the U.S. Oksana Markarova; Some corrupt asshole named Netanyahu.
CNN's State of the Union: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Reps. Nancy Mace (MAGA Cult-SC) and Jared Moskowitz (D-FL); Govs. Kevin Stitt (MAGA Cult-OK) and Jared Polis (D-CO).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 23, 2014
CHEERS to catching a big fish. With a huge—oh, I mean HUGE—assist from the administration of one Barack H. Obama, the Mexican version of Crockett and Tubbs stormed a compound and nabbed the most-wanted drug lord south of the border. He was so legendary that apparently dozens of songs about him were recorded and shot up to the top of the Billboard Hot 100 Drug Lord Balladeer Chart. His nom de plume was "El Chapo." Today? More like "El Toastito."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to rendering Rachel Maddow speechless. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it's a wonder to behold. Fifteen years ago today, despised Louisiana governor, failed presidential nominee and creepy exorcism advocate Bobby Jindal loped into a southern foyer scented with jasmine and gave his famous "Welcome to Mayberry" response to President Obama's address to Congress. The ensuing rhetorical disaster, during which, among other things, he invoked the government response to Katrina as an example of why Republicans should be trusted more than Democrats, provided an unforgettable moment in mass pundit shock…
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Some years back Jindal had a brief moment of lucidity when he called the GOP "The stupid party." Little did we know back then that he apparently meant it as a compliment.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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