Late Night Snark: Republicans in Disarray Edition
"[House] Republicans thought they could lose three of their votes and still win the impeachment vote, but they didn’t count on the heroic return of Texas Democratic congressman Al Green. The GOP was counting on Green not showing up because he was in the hospital recovering from abdominal surgery. He learned about the impeachment vote while watching television, so he grabbed an Uber to the Capitol. … Then he arrived on the floor of Congress still in a hospital gown with no shoes. It turns out he was wearing one boot, but he left it in [Speaker] Mike Johnson's ass. [...]
Mike Johnson, are you definitely against porn? Because you sure like getting spanked while everyone watches."
—Stephen Colbert, on the botched impeachment vote against DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas
Continued...
You are now below the fold. I’ll alert the media.
"In some great economic news for Joe Biden, U.S. oil production hit an all-time high this week, and the economy added a surprisingly-robust 350,000 jobs. Or as Fox News reported it: Are migrants turning your kids trans? "
—Colin Jost, SNL
"A D.C. federal appeals court issued their much-anticipated decision on whether or not Trump has the presidential immunity he claimed he had that would protect him from being prosecuted for his many crimes. The appeals court ruled unanimously he does not have immunity. The three-judge panel shot down his arguments in a strongly-worded 57-page ruling. It was a devastating moment for Trump, especially when Melania started clapping."
—Jimmy Kimmel
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"Republican National Committee chairwoman Ronna McDaniel is stepping down due to pressure from former president Trump. McDaniel says she wants to work someplace more stable, like Boeing or Twitter."
—Jimmy Fallon
"Former Trump White House aide Anthony Scaramucci said in a new interview that if Trump is forced to pay $370 million in damages for his civil fraud case, he may have to liquidate assets or take on loans, which would be crazy. Trump hasn’t had to do that since the '70s, '80s, '90s, 2000s, 2010s, 2020s, and a few times last week."
—Seth Meyers
And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 9, 2024
Note: A quick heads-up that C&J will not appear here Monday, as we will be doing double duty: 1) taking care of my partner Michael—who thanks you for all your well wishes—as he settles back in at home after his appendix exploded last weekend and I had to drag him under the neighbor’s porch because his moaning interfered with my MacGyver reruns...and 2) taking advantage of PRESIDENTS’ DAY MATTRESS SALES WITH BIG SAVINGS AND NO PAYMENTS ‘TIL FEBRUARY OF 2029!!! Back on Tuesday with details on how YOU can win a free exploded appendix on either eBay or Etsy. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the summer Olympics in Paris: 168
Days 'til the Riverside County Fair and National Date Festival in Indio, California: 9
Percent of over 92,000 transgender and nonbinary Americans surveyed by the National Center for Transgender Equality who say they're significantly more satisfied with their lives after transitioning: 94%
Percent of respondents receiving gender-affirming healthcare who said that it increased their satisfaction with their life: 98%
Percent of respondents who nevertheless had considered moving or experienced online harassment due to transphobia in their environments: 40%
Initial jobless claims announced this week, still the lowest since 1969: 218,000
Amount Americans are expected to spend on Super Bowl-related expenses this weekend: $17.3 billion or $86 per person
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans...
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CHEERS to nailing the dictator wannabe. Whoa…the judicial vise tightens on the fascist loser with the weird hair. I don’t mean they just filed new charges or anything like that, although he's in several judges' line of fire already. No, they actually punished him for spreading bullshit about the country's election integrity (which we all know isn't really a problem) and even inciting an attempted insurrection. Good riddance, pal. They just took away his passport. He's stuck now. But enough about ousted Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro. Anyone know which century Donald Trump will see the inside of a prison cell?
CHEERS to second chances. If 2024 hasn't gotten off to a good enough start for ya, here's good news: tomorrow we all get a do-over with the start of the Chinese New Year—4722. Specifically, it's the Year of the Dragon. If you were born in 1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000 or 2012, you are...
...charismatic, tempestuous, and lucky. In fact, for centuries in Chinese culture the dragon has been considered one of the luckiest signs of the zodiac. ...
Not shy by any means, dragons are often faulted for running off at the mouth with a swaggering overconfidence. Their generous natures can also result in betting unwisely on a 'sure' thing. This may sometimes result in uncharacteristic personal misfortune. With dragons, however, bad luck never seems to last for long. …
Dragons may also reveal a surprisingly tender heart to confidantes, and as trusted friends no more generous companions can be found than loyal dragons. Cross them, however, and woe to those who have experienced a tongue-lashing from these hot-headed creatures.
Dragons, of which I'm one since I was born in 2012, are most compatible with the rat and the snake. Out of curiosity I looked 'em up and found out I'm soulmates with Dick Cheney and Clarence Thomas. Shoot me now.
CHEERS to the most important day in U.S. history. On February 10, 1945, the Andrews Sisters hit the top of the charts with 'Rum & Coca Cola.' Why we didn't get today off as a national holiday remains an infuriating mystery.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Tippeca...ca...cachoo! Happy 251st birthday to "#9" William Henry "Tippecanoe" Harrison. During his nearly two-hour inaugural address (without an overcoat), he pledged not to run for a second term and, in one of the fastest fulfillments of a campaign promise ever, caught pneumonia and died 32 days later, but not before being plied with enough ipecac, opium, castor oil, calomel, camphor and brandy to kill a small army. (To his credit he rejected the ivermectin, bleach injections, and mugs of his own pee.) But he did have a lasting effect on our electoral process. From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:
[I]f Harrison was no dream candidate, his campaign for president was one of the most important in American history.
Before 1840, active campaigning for office was considered about as crass as writing a blurb for your own book. Candidates were supposed to maintain an air of ambivalence while others did their stumping for them. Harrison changed all that by personally jumping into the fray with earnest, smiling enthusiasm, and his Whig party cohorts turned the campaign into a circus.
They dismissed opponent Martin Van Buren as a snob and a dandy, claiming their boy Harrison was the real man of the people. There were parties, bands, garish banners. It worked.
The Whigs only fielded two winning candidates (Zachary Taylor was the other), and neither could finish their first term without a visit from the grim reaper. But, hey—great parties.
CHEERS to home vegetation. In addition to the Concussion Bowl (more on that below), here's some stuff on TV this weekend, starting with the MSNBC lineup for news junkies, and an interview with BET cofounder and philanthropist Sheila Johnson on PBS’s Firing Line at 8:30.
The new movies and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here.
As for the Big Event on Sunday night: the classic “Elaan of Troyius” episode of Star Trek airs at 8 on the H&I Network, and we’ll be live-tweeting the action at #allstartrek. As for the little football game, CBS's pre-game coverage begins at freaking 2pm—that's worse than the Oscars. How dare they stomp on Puppy Bowl XX (2pm, Discovery & Animal Planet). The kickoff is finally at 6:30, followed by (I looked it up) 11-15 minutes of actual football action interrupted only by 90 ads that try too hard and a halftime show starring Usher, who may or may not be planning a super wardrobe malfunction.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Biden campaign co-chair Mitch Landrieu; Unimpeachable DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas; Chris Christie.
This Week: Israeli Prime Minister Donald J. Netanyahu; Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE); Gov. Brian Kemp (MAGA Cult-GA); former U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara.
Face the Nation: Biden attorney Bob Bauer; Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT); Nikki Haley.
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Little Marco Rubio (MAGA Cult-FL) fondly recalls the time a decade ago when he, too, tanked his own immigration bill like a true two-faced A-hole.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Tom Cotton (MAGA Cult-AR).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 9, 2014
JEERS to culinary bullying. Utah suffered a black eye recently when a Salt Lake City school's cafeteria workers dumped deep-dish pizza in the trash because the students who bought them had unpaid balances on the lunch cards. The school district is sorting it all out now, and they say it won’t happen again because they're implementing a new policy. I believe the official name of it is Don’t Be An Asshole.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Roman numeral abuse, Version XVIIIIIIIVIIXIIIIIIIVIIIIIII. Not many people know this, but I've predicted every single Super Bowl winner since I was knee-high to Howard Cosell. Last year, for example, I picked the Providence Steam Rollers over the other team by 16 touchdowns, and although I haven't checked the box scores yet, my gut tells me I was 100% correct.
Over the decades people have asked, re-asked, begged, pleaded and prayed that I would reveal the secret to my success. And seeing as my heart grew three sizes today (memo to self: schedule appointment with cardiologist), I'm prepared to give you my annual peak behind the ol’ faux-pigskin prognostication curtain. Here's how I do it. Step 1: Plug it in. Step 2: Let ‘er rip…
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As you can plainly see, my 2024 prediction is ridiculously easy: the Providence Steam Rollers by 16 touchdowns. Oh, and in order to make life easier for the nation's water-management teams, everybody please remember to flush at exactly 7:29:59. Thanks for your cooperation and bwoo-ha-ha.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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