Sheer Podiumonium
The first presidential debate is just over a month away, and The Daily Show’s Desi Lydic reviews the agreed-upon rules as only a Foxsplainer can:
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For viewers, there are only two rules: 1) BYOB and 2) Time spent watching will be deducted from your lifespan twice.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 23, 2024
Note: Just a quick heads-up that C&J will not appear in the pages of this online supermarket coupon clipper Monday, so that we may commemorate the Memorial Day holiday and also incur our first self-inflicted lawn dart stabs of the summer of aught twenty four. Back Tuesday with high praise for the ACA's puncture-wound coverage.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of the Summer Olympics in Paris: 64
Days 'til Ohio's Taste of Cincinnati: 2
Barrels of gasoline President Biden is releasing from the Northeast reserve to help keep prices down: 1 million
Estimated annual amount that Trump’s promised trade tariffs would cost consumers, equaling 1.8% of GDP according to the Peterson Institute for International Economics: $500 billion
Number of built-for-rent single family units started in the first quarter of 2024, up 20% from Q1 2023: 18,000
Average number of viewers for Caitlin Clark's debut game with the Indiana Fever on ESPN2, ESPN+ and Disney+, making it the most watched WNBA game in more than two decades: 2.1 million
Chronological rank of York among Maine towns to ban single-use plastic utensils: #1
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
In a further loony-tunes loop (don't you just love politics?), [Bob] Dole, the old grump, is now casting himself in the role of Sweetness and Light. He wants to Bring Us Together, he says, in the great tradition of the Republican Party.
Sure, the party that ran Sen. Jesse Helms' campaign against Harvey Gantt, the party of the Southern Strategy, Lee Atwater, the race card, the soft-on-crime ploy—that political party.
We are, you recall, setting aside for the nonce (one of my favorite periods of time) the news that My Boy [Pat] Buchanan is a racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-Semite—although I should warn M.B.B. that if he doesn't stop this gay-bashing, there'll be no one left to design the uniforms.
The Buchanan presidency now being quite as advanced as the Forbes presidency was just a few weeks ago, I have naturally been savoring the observations made about My Boy Buchanan. My favorite was by television pundit Morton Kondracke (we must give him credit for speaking wryly): "I think something important happened to Pat Buchanan in New Hampshire in 1990 when he discovered that people could be out of work through no fault of their own—at least white people."
We are all grateful for this conversion experience on the road to Damascus—or at any rate, south of Dixville Notch.
—March 1996
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Adoption day…
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CHEERS to order in the courts. With America's trial courts mostly silent now because of the looming holiday weekend, this is a good time to pause and check up on President Biden's judicial appointments. His mission from Day 1: more melting-pot vibes, fewer whites with swinging dicks. (Okay, perhaps not exactly in those words.) So how to describe the job he's doing in one word? I'd pick "milestone-ish":
The Democratic-led Senate is poised to confirm President Joe Biden’s 200th federal judge Wednesday, a milestone that highlights a sharp contrast with his election rival, Republican former President Donald Trump, as they seek to shape the courts over the next four years. […]
Biden’s judges include many former civil rights lawyers, labor lawyers and public defenders, breaking from the mold of prosecutors and corporate lawyers that previous presidents tended to lean on.
More than 60% of Biden’s judges are women, and more than 60% are nonwhite, said the White House. It said he has put more Black women on circuit courts than all previous presidents combined and more Hispanic and Asian American judges than any other president.
Precisely what we hired him to do, and by god he's doing it. But Dark Brandon's not done yet—there are 24 nominees still waiting for a vote, and another 28 vacancies beyond that. We could make it an even 30 if we could convince Thomas and Alito to step onto this clump of leaves that we pinky swear isn't covering up a pit full of pythons. (They're actually vipers.)
CHEERS to looming leisure. The summer season officially starts in 48 hours, and the #1 way to kick it off is, of course, by battling traffic. This weekend’s forecast from AAA is up to level “Historically Horn Honky”:
AAA projects 43.8 million travelers will head 50 miles or more from home over the Memorial Day holiday travel period. This year’s total number of travelers is a 4% increase over last year and comes close to matching 2005’s record of 44 million Memorial Day travelers.
“We haven’t seen Memorial Day weekend travel numbers like these in almost 20 years,” said Paula Twidale, Senior Vice President of AAA Travel. “We’re projecting an additional one million travelers this holiday weekend compared to 2019, which not only means we’re exceeding pre-pandemic levels but also signals a very busy summer travel season ahead.”
Airports are bracing for a spike in travelers. AAA expects 3.51 million air travelers this holiday weekend, an increase of 4.8% over last year and 9% jump compared to 2019. This will be the most crowded Memorial Day weekend at airports since 2005.
Road trips are expected to set a record. AAA projects 38.4 million people will travel by car over Memorial Day weekend, the highest number for that holiday since AAA began tracking in 2000.
If you're planning an excursion to the beach or the mountains or the in-laws (oh lucky you), please follow the usual NTSB safety guidelines: drive with care and be sure to flip people off responsibly.
CHEERS to the end of the road. On May 23, 1934, bank robbers Bonnie and Clyde were caught in a police ambush as they tried to escape in a Ford Fordor Deluxe Sedan near Bienville Parish, Louisiana. Over 130 bullets were pumped into the car, turning it into a piece of metal Swiss cheese. Figures...one day after the warranty expired.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to madmen who suddenly stop breathing. On this date in 1945, while in British custody at their headquarters in Luneberg, Germany, Gestapo thug Heinrich Himmler committed suicide by cyanide. Apparently he never got over his girlfriend shacking up with Göerring.
CHEERS to Self-evident Truths—Part 304 in our 33,975-part series. There's simply no argument on this one: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore. And starting tonight you're really gonna get an eyeful. Yes, it's a rare "Apocalyptic Jazz-Hands Flower Moon” moon, and we hope you're prepared to be dazzled:
May’s Flower Moon name should be no surprise; flowers spring forth across North America in abundance this month.
“Flower Moon” has been attributed to Algonquin peoples, as confirmed by Christina Ruddy of The Algonquin Way Cultural Centre in Pikwakanagan, Ontario.
May’s Moon was also referred to as the “Month of Flowers” by Jonathan Carver in his 1798 publication, Travels Through the Interior Parts of North America: 1766, 1767, 1768 (pp. 250-252), as a likely Dakota name. Carver stayed with the Naudowessie (Dakota) over a period of time; his expedition covered the Great Lakes region, including Wisconsin and Minnesota areas
Usual full-moon drill: if skies are clear, get yer butt out in the back yard, look up, think of Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins (Buzz Aldrin, thankfully, is still with us), and give ‘em a wink. The law is very clear about this.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 23, 2014
JEERS to two all-beef(-flavored) patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions and a trip to the pokey in handcuffs. I worked in fast food a while back. It's a greasy, nasty, hectic job in which you spend your eight hours dealing with people you'd like to strangle. So good on the fast-food workers who put themselves in the thick of it yesterday as McDonald's annual shareholder meeting looms. From Fast Food Global:
Fed up with low pay, wage theft and McDonald’s refusal to listen to them, 101 McDonald’s employees from nearly three-dozen cities surged onto the company’s Oak Brook, Ill corporate campus Wednesday, calling for $15 an hour and a union, and were arrested.
In all, more than 2,000 workers, clergy and community supporters marched on McDonald’s headquarters, just a week after strikes and protests rocked 230 cities around the world in what MSNBC called the “biggest fast-food strike ever."
More action is expected today when the shareholders meeting actually gets underway. And that reminds me: if someone here could remind my partner Michael to add "Fastest Quarter Pounder Flipper in New England Two Summers in a Row ('84, '85)” to my tombstone when I kick off from the cumulative effects of eating McDonald's food, that'd be great. Tell the engraver to supersize it.
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And just one more…
JEERS to Bill in Portland Maine: SCOFFLAW!!! The emails arrived just after I'd delivered meals to the elderly but before I'd headed off to volunteer at the orphans center, saved a kitten from a tree, put out a house fire with nothing but my own urine and tackled a gang of bank robbers. I was busy sorting clothes to take to Goodwill, but I thought I’d take a peek anyway. These are the messages they left:
Payment attempt failure while renewing your subscription for icloud Storage
We were unable to successfully renew your icloud storage Your photos and videos will be deleted!!
Thank you and have a blessed day.
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We tried to renew your Netflix subscription at the end of each billing cycle, but your monthly payment has failed. We therefore had to cancel your subscription. Obviously, we would love to see you again.
In Case Of Ignorance, Your Services Will Be Completely Suspended Within 24 Hours According To The Terms Defined In Our Contracts Thank you for trusting us, best regards
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Your Peacock Account has been Suspended !!
We tried to renew your subscription at the end of each billing cycle. But, as part of our loyalty program, you can now extend for 1 year for free. Enjoy Unlimited movies, TV shows, and more. Ready to watch? Extend your membership.
Never mind that I don’t have an iCloud, Netflix or Peacock account, I think I’m in trouble with the authorities. If you need me for anything today, you'll find me panic-crawling through swamps and briar patches to Canada. Please: someone remember to feed my elderly.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Some people just mindlessly chew the seaweed in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool without thinking about it."
—Dr. Natalie Peterson, University of Minnesota School of Dentistry
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