Late Night Snark: The Reich Stuff Edition
"Trump, or someone on his team, shared this video on Truth Social. If you zoom in, you can see they slipped in the words Unified Reich. A Fourth Reich, if you will. The good news is, Trump wants to bring the country together. The bad news is, that country is Germany in 1933."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"When they saw the ad, even Confederate statues were like, 'That's gotta come down!'"
—Jimmy Fallon
"Remember the classified documents scandal, with the nuclear codes offered as one of the toppings at Mar-a-Lago's waffle bar? Turns out that scandal is much worse than we could've thought, because we just learned that his lawyers found classified documents in Trump's bedroom four months after the FBI search of Mar-a-Lago. Oh my god—the only thing more shocking to find in Donald Trump's bedroom would be a current wife."
—Stephen Colbert
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"What the hell, man? Another flag? Did this guy get a two-for-one deal at the MAGA flag store? Look, I'm not an expert, but I always thought a judge was supposed to be impartial and neutral. And I'm not naïve, I know he's not. But can he at least respect us enough to pretend to be? It's not like he's a judge on American Idol—he's a Supreme Court judge. But he's stunting on us like a soccer player popping his jersey after a goal."
—The Daily Show guest host Michael Kosta, on Samuel Alito
"On ABC News, Steve Bannon called himself the voice of MAGA. And also the face of gout."
—Michael Che, SNL
And five years ago this week, a proposal courtesy of comedian David Cross, from his Oh Come On stand-up special:
"Just go the fuck away. Just go away and leave us alone. Don’t tweet, don’t talk, don’t appear on TV. Go away. Get out of here and we won't put you in jail. In fact, we got you your own island, and it's great. And everybody chipped in—Canada, Mexico, the EU—everybody chipped in and it's great.
You're gonna love it, Donald. It's beautiful. You can do whatever you want there—have Diet Coke and McDonald's, and fuck other men's wives. And we're gonna pay robots to tell you how awesome you are 24 hours a day. And everything's gold! Gold chairs and gold towels and golden showers, you're gonna love it!
Just go. Get the fuck away from us. Take your shitty fucking criminal family with you and get the fuck out. Leave us alone, and let America become a decent place again."
Amen.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 24, 2024
Note: We wish you a safe, healthy, and hammock-filled holiday weekend. C&J will return on Tuesday, May 28. Probably with an errant lawn dart or two stuck in our foot, thigh, chest, head or buttock region. Because we hate to break with tradition. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the first Biden-Trump debate: 34
Days 'til California's Beaumont Cherry Festival: 6
Number of the past 75 days (as of May 21) that California has generated more than 100% of its power demands from renewable sources: 69
Percent of registered voters who told pollster Hart Research Associates that they favor 18-year terms for current and future Supreme Court justices, allowing each president to fill two vacancies in a four-year term: 64%
Number of homes sold in Maine in April, at a median price of $382,000: 933
Date of the next general election in Great Britain: 7/4/24
Year in which Congress officially declared Waterloo, New York as the birthplace of the Memorial Day holiday: 1966
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS and JEERS to the week in review. Just a quick moment to take lightning-round inventory of our universe as we prepare to pause for an extended holiday weekend of picnics, memorials, flight delays, and lots of unexplained rashes:
» Supreme Court Inquisitor Samuel Alito's wife flew a second insurrection-themed flag from another one of their homes. And a third. And a fourth. And when she ran out of flags she just hoisted her bloomers up the pole.
» After promising he would testify at his election-interference ("Only the best interference, believe me") trial, Donald Trump didn't testify, but did endorse replacing our democratic republic with a "unified Reich."
» President Biden's 200thjudge was confirmed. She has lady parts.
» The atrocities being committed by Israel's conservative government against the people of Gaza are so egregious that even Russia is all like, "Dudes, ease up."
» Robert F. Kennedy Jr. continues huffing turpentine vapors. Rudy Giuliani noticed and said, "Hold my beer."
» Republicans continued their love affair with carnage and chaos.
» House committee Democrats continued their unbroken winning streak of owning Republican-led sham investigations with rhetorical jiu-jitsu that would make George Carlin proud.
» Gas prices are down. Inflation is down. Food prices are down. Unemployment is down. Infrastructure construction is up. American manufacturing is back. Or, if you get your news from social media: EVERYTHING SUCKS AND JOE BIDEN IS SATAN!!!
» A ruthless and scary space alien trapped the Enterprise in a tractor beam and threatened to blow it up unless its demands were met, but it turns out it was just baby Clint Howard who was easily fooled by Captain Kirk's fake "Corbomite Maneuver."
Oh, and NOAA released its forecast for the 2024 hurricane season, which starts in eight days. Consensus: the gays, feminists, and pagans are still angry. Can’t say I blame ‘em.
CHEERS to multitasking. As our endorphins go wild over the prospect that our first warm-weather holiday weekend (and the unofficial start of summer) is upon us, author William Lambers (“The Road to Peace”) offers up a few words for the occasion:
On Memorial Day we can honor the sacrifices of our soldiers and continue the quest for world peace.
As President Dwight Eisenhower said of Memorial Day “Let us reverently honor those who have fallen in war, and rededicate ourselves through prayer to the cause of peace, to the end that the day may come when we shall never have another war—never another Unknown Soldier.”
America’s aspiration, as President Eisenhower said, is “that war may be removed from the earth forever.” […]
As we reflect on Memorial Day and the sacrifices made, we must do more to build a world at peace. Those who gave their lives want us to live free from the horror of war. We must keep up the quest for peace to best honor their sacrifice.
And, as always, we pause to reflect on Dwight Eisenhower's famous words: "I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity." Me, too. Minus the living it part, but I'll take his word for it.
CHEERS to the visionaries. 237 years tomorrow, the Constitutional Convention opened in Philadelphia with George Washington presiding. They came to blows over their first order of business, but after much quill-stabbing and cane-beating, they finally agreed: We hereby resolve that Cheesesteak shall not be considered Cheesesteak without Cheez Whiz. It was mostly smooth sailing from there.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Monsters of Mass Deception. On May 24, 1933 the Loch Ness Monster was "sighted" for the first time. For 91 years no one has ever been able to provide definitive proof that it actually exists. It’s like the Republican ability to govern of sea monsters.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's some of the haps on TV this weekend, starting tonight with a pre-Memorial Day MSNBC reality check by the prime time hosts, or you can join me at 8 on the H&I Network for live-tweeting (at #allstartrek) of the classic Trek episode All Our Yesterdays. At 8:30, Trump nemesis attorney George Conway, who finally wised up and ditched his batshit crazy wife Kellyanne, talks about the election-interference trial on PBS’s Firing Line.
The new movies and streamers (led by George Miller’s Mad Max prequel Furiosa) are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL Stanley Cup finals schedule is here, the WNBA schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here (Go Boston woo woo woo). Or you can catch the Indy 500 Sunday starting at 12:30 on NBC, followed by the final round of the Senior Open golf tournament (Go, ghost of Ben Hogan woo woo woo).
Sunday on 60 Minutes: Texas F**kwad Greg Abbott defends his murderous border Gestapo tactics, and a visit to the Isle of Man. The National Memorial Day Concert airs Sunday at 8 on PBS. And beyond that you should just go outside and tiptoe through the tulips.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: A special edition on the MAGA cult’s threats to democracy, with four state Secretaries of State: Adrian Fontes (D-AZ), Jocelyn Benson (D-MI), Brad Raffensperger (R-GA), and Al Schmidt (R-PA).
This Week: Preempted by coverage of the Monaco Grand Prix.
Face the Nation: Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg; Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT); Reps. Pat Ryan (D-NY) and Mike Waltz (R-FL) and Tony Gonzales (MAGA Cult-TX).
CNN's State of the Union: Gov. Tim Walz (D-MN); former Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-RI); Senator Rick Scott (MAGA Cult-SC).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Reps. Byron Donald (MAGA Cult-FL) and Jared Moskowitz (D-FL).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 24, 2014
CHEERS to cosmic fireworks. Keep your eye on the sky tonight, because apparently God might be out playing with sparklers:
A brand new meteor shower from comet 209P/LINEAR just might develop this Friday night, and it could be a REALLY good one! Then again, predicting the intensity of a meteor shower is a lot like predicting which clown will emerge from the Republican clown car to make the stupid/bizarre statement of the week.
Since this is the first shower from this particular comet, it's hard to tell how it will turn out, but some predictions are in the really, really cool range.
It starts at 1:30am ET (10:30pm PT), and you may see up to 400 shooters an hour. Or as the right-wing conspiracy nuts call it: 400 signs per hour that Obama is the antichrist.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to doing the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs. Tomorrow is a high holy day for Planet Earth: the 47th anniversary of the release of Star Wars, a movie that had me square in its demographic sights (I was 13 in '77) and hot-wired my brain for the duration of my life.
First time I saw it I was on a school field trip in (then-West) Berlin, Germany, and I have to say Darth Vader was scarier when he was speaking German ("Gibt mir die plane, Mädchen, oder Ich will in deine kopf das kopfmitteldammer uberungenscheide gefurhen Schweinhund!!").
It's estimated that over $42 billion has been spent on Star Wars merchandise, and I believe I have half of that in the attic. And now we're in a renaissance of streaming spinoffs like Kenobi and Andor that embrace the roots and gritty feel of the original that was nominated for 11 Oscars and won seven. As long as they keep pumpin' 'em out, I'll always be 13, as evidenced by the thought that just popped into my head: May the booger balls be with you.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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