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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Top Ten Bush Goals For His Second Term
10. Fewer idiotic remarks; more hilarious pratfalls.
9. Add mother Barbara to Mount Rushmore.
8. Combine Nebraska and Kansas into new state: Nebransas.
7. Spice up boring state dinners with tasty fish sticks!
6. Improve communication skills from poor to fair.
5. Catch up on his "Smokey And The Bandit" collection.
4. Get Ray Stevens to write some funny lyrics for "Hail To The Chief"
3. Ride every roller coaster in the country.
2. Install remote-activated button in Oval Office so he can blow stuff up right from his desk!
1. Begin vote-rigging process for Jeb's White House run in 2008.
---Late Show with David Letterman
Keep your arms inside the vehicle and hold on tight...it's Monday. Cheers and Jeers starts in the Extended Entry Section... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 31, 2005...
By the Numbers:
Days `til Al Franken appears on David Letterman show: 1
Days `til the Super Bowl: 6
Percent of January that's over: 99.9999%
Percent of airline reservations that will be made online by 2008: 42%
(Source: CNN)
Number of votes cast in Saddam's hometown of Tikrit: <400
Amount of coverage C&J will give to the Michael Jackson trial, which begins today: 0
Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Tragedy today as a woman mistakes her pug for one of those rubber stress-reducing squeeze toys: http://www.puppymillrescue.com/testing/blind%20pug%20puppy.jpg. The puppy will be fine. The woman's dress will be laundered.
CHEERS to January 31. It sure took long enough to get here. Between Bush's inauguration, the tsunami cleanup, 97 U.S. casualties in Iraq, a blizzard, Johnny's death, news of a record deficit and absent-mindedly writing 2004 on our checks, it's a wonder we're not all sucking our toes in a rubber room. At least someone had the good sense to follow it with the shortest month. Whoopdee Doodle Doo. (Hey, wait a minute...this isn't my toe...!)
CHEERS to election day. Under the constant threat of being blown up---and not even allowed to drive to their polling places---a higher percentage of Iraqis (60 percent by early estimates) turned out to vote than we did on November 2. But we have a good excuse...we're, like, busy and stuff.
JEERS to would-be spoilers. Insurgents triggered enough bombs yesterday to kill 35 people, but they couldn't stem the tide of voters for even a nanosecond. Nice try, knuckleheads.
CHEERS to the smiles. We're so used to seeing the Iraqi people fleeing, cowering or simply bleeding. How refreshing, then, to see them laughing, weeping with joy and doing the Hokey Pokey without any prodding from the U.S. propaganda corps. That's what it's all about.
JEERS to Pandamonium. A new report from the World Wildlife Fund says that extreme climate change is due within the next 25 years, meaning extinction for the birds and beasts at the Arctic Circle: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/oxfordshire/4218441.stm. But New England streets will look lovely lined with palm trees.
CHEERS to safety nets. 65 years ago today, the first Social Security check was issued to Ida Fuller for $22.54. And under the Bush privatization plan, folks who retire during a bear market could relive that moment month after month after month. And won't that just be wacky nostalgic??
JEERS to burning, itchy eyes. Yesterday morning we switched over to ABC's `This Week' and caught a glimpse of Condoleezza Rice. For the record, she is now the first Secretary of State I can't bear to look at even for a second. Yes...that includes Al Haig. She is that embarrassing.
CHEERS to cash in hand. Oh, lovely. Historically, if stocks tank in January, there's a good chance the rest of the year will suck for investors, too. Well, kids, the S&P 500 fell 3.3% this month: http://www.usatoday.com/money/markets/2005-01-30-jan-stock-barometer_x.htm. And, fulfilling Newton's Law, there was a corresponding 3.3% rise in something else---heartburn.
JEERS to Land of Looney. Ladies and gentlemen...the next governor of the state of Illinois: Alan Keyes??? http://www.suntimes.com/output/sneed/cst-nws-sneed28a.html. At least the campaign won't be boring.
CHEERS to the great uniter. On this date in 1928, ScotchTM brand tape was marketed for the first time by 3-M. It holds things together like a charm. But to shut up an annoying Republican only duct tape will do.
JEERS to slippery fingers. Um...if anyone stumbles on $9 billion worth of missing money in Iraq, please drop it in the nearest mailbox: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=4&u=/ap/20050131/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ir
aq_funds. Return postage guaranteed minus a small re-stocking fee.
JEERS to the new John Kerry. Same as the old John Kerry, judging by his dry Meet the Press performance yesterday. And the pilot light remains unlit.
CHEERS to the Running Man. `See Arnold Run' finally ran on A&E last night, which means an end to running those annoying commercials. Extra bonus: No one involved with this crapfest will come close to running up the aisle to accept an Emmy.
JEERS to lasting another year. Wondering why a sense of gloom hovered over the earth yesterday? It was Dick "Dick" Cheney's 64th birthday. His cake was made with raw wildebeest entrails and coconut frosting. An aide came within 10 feet and lost a limb.
CHEERS to riddles. What do you get when you cross Prince with Molly Ivins? A new name for Bush's Social Security revamp---"The accounts formerly known as private": http://www.creators.com/opinion_show.cfm?columnsName=miv. Amazing that in 13 months of C&J we've never called Language Tsar Frank Luntz an ass. "Ass."
CHEERS to Precious Moments in Aging. Michael and I are now the dubious owners of His & His reading glasses. If I wear them over my regular specs I can actually see atoms whizzing through space. Wooooow....
One Year Ago in Cheers and Jeers:
CHEERS to Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Justice raps apathetic public on the knuckles over Patriot Act fears: "On important issues, like the balance between liberty and security, if the public doesn't care, then the security side is going to overweigh the other." I say we should DO something about it. Next week. After the Super Bowl. But not Wednesday `cause the car will be in the shop. And Thursday is bad, too. And Monday is...well, Monday. How does the pursuit of liberty work for you, say...Tuesday from 8:30 `til 9?
JEERS to Martha Stewart. Swaggers into court carrying $6,000 tote bag. That'll generate sympathy from the K-Mart crowd.
And just one more:
JEERS to the widening scandal. Cartoonist Mike Luckovich discovers a fourth shill paid by the White House to spout propaganda: http://www.creators.com/editorial_show.cfm?comicname=lk. That's the shadowiest deal yet.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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