This Friday I read something alarming in the newspaper;
my unit was being deployed. Not just a detachment like when I got deployed but the whole unit of about 260 soldiers. But I haven't heard anything about it; I'm currently on IRR until November when I become an official civilian again (unless they stick me on stop-loss).
I'm not sure how IRR works, I'm pretty sure it means I don't deploy but that rule has been broken a lot in the last few years as the military has gotten stretched thin. So now I'm afraid that there was some mistake and I've somehow been overlooked. And like last time I'll get a call during dinner from the captain saying I need to wrap up my personal affairs and be ready to ship to Iraq in two weeks.
So all weekend I've been thinking about this, I've distracted myself a few times by hiking up in the mountains and enjoying the beautiful weather (basically the things I agonized over not being able to do when I was in Iraq) but every time I hear the word Iraq I start thinking about the new deployment.
Its amazing how fast you can go through different emotions; fear of being called up again and having to say goodbye to you life again, sadness that even if you don't go there are 260 who are going, anger that people you were deployed with have to go back again, anger over being told
insert false reason for war here, and finally just a general rage at the world that this bullshit is still going on and is as bad as ever.
I tried writing about this on Saturday but it was pissing me off so much that I kept snapping at my family over stupid issues. It's that type of anger that builds till you can't think straight and you zone out for a few minutes, then after your mind has rebooted you can continue doing what you were before somebody mentioned Iraq.
But like when I got called up before I came to terms with the situation over a few days; however unlike last time I'm not angry at having to fight a war I don't believe in, this time all I'm angry at is the whole situation of Iraq and our part in it. War is never good, there's no such thing as a "Just War"; that's like saying there's such a thing as a "Just Murder", or "Just Robbery", or "Just Genocide". War is humanity's darkest hour, when the worst of us comes out. Sure, some of the best of humanity shows through but for every one hero that we can look up to there are thousands of murdered innocents and decades of pain for those affected so it's not exactly an even balance.
In recent news it turns out Pat Tillman was actually killed by friendly fire, and while this portent for what the administration is doing is a big story the true problem is that 260 more of our friends and family, 260 more Pat Tillmans, are still being thrown into the meat grinder, why? Ask the people around you, you'll get a different reason from each of them, and they're all wrong. There's no reason for it now, not national defense, not peace1, not WMDs, not Iraq security, not democracy, it's only about saving face now. Whether for Bush or for the US doesn't matter, you don't save face through more war, it just digs the hole deeper.
If the link to the story on the Salt Lake Tribune ever goes off the net I'll host a copy at my blog.
1Whoever's dumb enough to believe that the path to peace is through war.