Let's start off today's cheering and jeering with:
Your Daily Horoscope for Monday, March 13
(20 Feb - 20 March)
Use your imagination today, it is an amazing gift. Your mental wanderings will inspire others, though your family still feels mainly shame. Lobbyists: keep a bail bondsman on speed-dial.
(21 March - 20 April)
It's time for a change in your diet; flatulence is NOT part of a good work ethic. Beware the ( \ ) backslash.
(21 April - 21 May)
Yes. Yes. No. Yes. What time? No. Yes. That's okay.
(22 May - 21 June)
You have strong instincts and desires, but your best feature is still your flailing. Something moist will enter the scene very soon. Don't forget your camera.
Okay, okay, so I made those up.... you can find your real horoscope HERE.
"undergoing some maintenance right now".... "undergoing some maintenance right now"....
Your faux Monday playground begins right now in "Where's Moresville?"... <Smoosh>... huh?... <SPLAT!>
Aw, man, that's a PIZZA! Who the hell took the gong now?!? BIIIIIILLLLLLLL!!!!!
Faux Cheers and Jeers for Monday, March 13th, 2006
"Softer and more absorbant than other Cheers & Jeers!"
DISCLAIMER: "Cheers and Jeers: Faux Monday Edition" is in no way related to the C&J stylings of Bill in Portland Maine, the personal-care products of Tom's of Maine or the outdoor gear of Maine's own L.L. Bean.
pea ess: "C & J: [FME]" seldom sells its subscriber list to a cartel of overseas spammers.
Here's your puppy pic of the day.... "What's that mean, 'no, No, NO, NO, NO!!!'?"
Here's your pootie pic of the day, for those who love pooties (and who doesn't love 'em a little pootie now and then?).... "They call me Mellow Yellow (quite rightly!)"
A B R I E F H I S T O R Y O F T I M E
.... NOT by Stephen Hawking!
3050 B.C. A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.
1850 B.C. Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
1 B.C. Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
79 A.D. Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.
432 St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.
1125 Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?
1456 An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
1607 The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
1799 Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."
1859 Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.
1920 The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't.
1944 Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.
(full text here)
As this tutorial ended with Dubya Dubya Too, I decided to do a little research of my own, to bring us a little closer to date:
1959 A monkey, sent into space, perfected which switch to use to turn on the mashed bananas, but apparently forgot which switch would turn them off. Looking similar to a Macy's Thanksgiving parade balloon, the monkey was buried in its spacesuit, in a grave marked "Incurious George".
1962 Having lost the race for Governor and telling the press, "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore," recent transcriptions of the cockpit voice recorder on Richard Nixon's flight home that day (cockpit door was open during boarding) catch Mrs. Nixon indeed kicking him up the aisle, and then back down again: "You loser! You (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) no-good (expletive deleted) silly-(expletive deleted) loser!"
1975 Celebration of the Bicentennial of the United States was nearly put on hold, as President Gerald Ford held fast to his claim that, as "centennial" is one hundred and "bi" means two, the country was way older than 102 years old.
1999/2000 All government business came to a halt at midnight of the new year, as the Y2K "Millenium Bug" caused all gov't operated computers to change all letter Ys to letter Ks and vice versa. The only memo found in a FOIA request was an internal FBI email:
"ANALKSIS REQUESTED. PLEASE ACYNOWLEDGE."
By the Numbers:
Days until the green beer flows: 4
Days until THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING!: 7
Days until the April Foolin' begins: 19
Days until Opening Day: 21 .... BASEBALL!!! YEE HAH!!!
Days until my one-year sign-on anniversary on DailyKos: 33
Days since my grandson was born: 66
Days since "Condilingus" was deemed an obscene act: 99
Number of years the Rolling Stones have collectively "lived": 247
Number of years until the naughty "XXX Olympic Winter Games": 40
source: what? you don't believe ME?!?
today's thought:
What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?!?
My hat's off to all the Filler-Inner C&Jers -- that was a very interesting and entertaining 2 weeks, and MEGA-CHEERS!!! that I saw 3, count 'em, THREE! C&J Filler-Innie diaries in the top 100 of the Weeks High Impact Diaries: jgkojak, histopresto and the white trash poet.... congrats, folks!!!
THANK YOU! to the white trash poet for asking me to fill in, but man! Bill has some awesome shoes to fill.... I wish you'd sent them to me a little sooner!
CHEERS! to BiPM and The Art of C&J.... let's not forget that summbitch does this every day.... EVERY FREAKIN' DAY!!!!! Well, 4 days out of 5 - no, out of 7, actually, 4 days out of 7, that's, like, 57% or something.... 57%? That's just over half, half the week! HEY!! I THINK WE'RE GETTING SCREWED HERE!!!!
(I went out and bought SnarkMaster2500®, and mine STILL ain't nothin' like BiPM's Original Brand Cs&Js!)
Anybody got $6000 I can borrow? That's how much Massachusetts paid for the title to Maine on this date in 1677. Hey, I wonder whose picture was on the dollar back then....?
CHEERS! to William Herschel, who discovered Uranus on March 13, 1781. And of course, we now know that Uranus is inhabited by Klingons, ar, ar....
CHEERS! and a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! to all March babies, with a special WOO HOO!! YOU'RE FREAKIN' 40!!! birthday greeting to last Wednesday's pinch-hitter filler-inner, histopresto....
JEERS! to Catholic Charities of Boston, which announced last week that they will end their adoption programs rather than comply with state law requiring that gays be allowed to adopt children.... Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to remember an awful lot of news reports in the past several years concerning Priests playing HIDE THE BISHOP with altar boys, but, danged if I can remember hearing any reports claiming gay parents were molesting their children, except maybe from the fevered minds of the Phred Phelps Phony Phucks contingent.....
"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
- Paul Fix (b. 3/13/1901)
JEERS! to Fristlandia Tennessee for enacting a law banning the teaching of evolution on this date in 1925.... but in truth, most of the theo-political fundy slugs HAVEN'T evolved in eons, have they?
CHEERS! to my grandson, Jacob.... sweet dreams, little one!
CHEERS! to governmental change.... effective immediately, the Federal Emergency Management Agency will be renamed the Federal Assistance Response Team. The White House felt this was more in line with past performance.
Cheers to You. Yes you. Oh, and you too. Thank you. Youse are so much fun to "listen" to.
JEERS! to the IT Dept. at work: they made us change our passwords, and said they had to be six characters minimum.... now I have to type MickeyMinnieGoofyPlutoBugsBunnyRoadrunner every freakin' morning! BAH!!!
JEERS! to Rupert Murdoch's FOX TV and their family values.... on this date in 2002, FOX aired "Celebrity Boxing": Tonya Harding beat Paula Jones, Danny Bonaduce beat Barry Williams, Todd Bridges defeated Vanilla Ice, and FOX knocked Sensibility on its ass. Again.
CHEERS! to Sen. Russ Feingold [D-WI], who plans on submitting a censure resolution, slapping President Bush's wrist for approving domestic wiretaps on American citizens without first seeking a legally required court order.
JEERS! that you know it ain't getting within 40 feet of a vote....
CHEERS! to the Blackstone Valley, my home for over 50 years. I live less than 1/4 mile from the river and canal. The Blackstone Valley.... birthplace of the industrial revolution in the U.S.!
JEERS! to the latest White House felon, Claude Allen, President Bush's recently departed domestic policy adviser.... he resigned in February, "to spend more time with his family" of course, but was arrested last Thursday and charged with "theft" and "theft scheme".... because Republicans, you know, the poor babies, they find it so hard to get by <koffBULLSHITkoff> on the pittance they make. President Bush, naturally, was shocked and sad and disappointed and, well, sad and.... did I mention disappointed? (I wonder if his family really plans on spending more time with him - in prison!)
HAH!!! What this guy says:
"Really, the only thing shocking about this is that it was so amateurish. To be shocked that a Republican would break the law is a sign of either insincerity or inattention."
- Dr. S
"If people would know how little brain is ruling the world, they would die of fear."
- Ivo Andric (d. 3/13/1975)
Oh, by the way, the Church of Reality would like a religious exemption to the South Dakota Abortion Law....
CHEERS! to Knowledge.... like knowing a tomato is a fruit.
CHEERS! to Wisdom.... like, not putting it in a fruit salad.
JEERS! to the Republican Senate giving up responsibility to keep a check on President Bush and his sneaky spying on Americans..... what's next?
Yeah, I know, "STFU, and take it to the complaint department!!"
"It's now believed Iran has the capability to make nuclear weapons but hasn't done it yet. Which could be big trouble, because if there's one thing the Bush Administration won't tolerate, it's a middle eastern country that could have weapons of mass destruction, that doesn't."
- Jay Leno
JEERS! to Dick "Dick" Cheney....
Because the sneaky b@$t@rd should be jeered every freakin' day!
One year ago in Cheers and Jeers...
It was a Sunday. I overslept. MrsPBen told me I cheer in my sleep. I gave her a 4. She gave me the finger.
today's other thought:
"My greatest fear in life is that no one will remember me after I'm dead and gone."
- some dead guy
Take today's poll, but if you're looking for "other", can I ask you to step over to the other line, yes, that's right, right over there....
The floor is open (the walls are too, if you're into climbing).... What are you cheering and jeering about today?