Faux News Exclusive - Jesus Goes Down
We apologize for interrupting "1001 Stripper Pole Uses" but we at Faux News have an important latebreaking story.
Jesus, the long-sought extremist, voted nine years running by our viewers as the world's #1 terrorist, has been captured by authorities.
The long elusive radical has been caught. A major threat to our nation's safety is finally behind bars. Hallelujah!
President Bush was the first to weigh in, mentioning that he had laid down the law to Jesus: "You're either with us or against us." Bush added that Jesus chose the wrong path and now must pay the price. Bush also spoke of Jesus' association with prostitutes, beggars and thieves, stating "this is what happens if you don't choose your friends wisely."
Vice President Dick Cheney added: "At least this much is clear: Had the decision belonged to the Democrats, Jesus would still be running around creating instability and threatening the world and its financial markets as we know it."
Flummoxing everyone was Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld who kept blathering "Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know." After repeating this numerous times, aides gently ushered Rumsfeld into a straightjacket and he was carted off to parts unknown by a bevy of husky Marines.
The CIA, however, would neither confirm nor deny the existence of Jesus, let alone his capture.
Our own Bill O'Reilly could not be reached for comment as he was busy with the taping of his new game show "Spin The Loofah."
But Sean Hannity stepped to the plate and was eminently quotable. "I dedicated my book, "Deliver Us From Evil," to the capture of this dangerous mad man who kept braying about his connections to weapons of mass destruction. .
Working himself into a wedgie, Jerry Falwell chimed in with "most of those people around Jesus were gays and lesbians. I just know it."
Pat Robertson, before frothing at the mouth and collapsing, added "we will bypass the strongholds of these anarchists, then surround them, isolate them, bombard them, then blast the individuals out of their bunkers with hand-to-hand combat. All glory to God."
James Dobson, head of Focus on the Family, proclaimed that "none of this craziness would have happened if Joseph had just used corporal punishment on Jesus."
"I myself am a 992 month-old embryo." was Rep. Henry Hyde's (R-Ill.) cryptic response to the capture.
Democrats were mostly mum on Jesus' roundup but after hearing what others had to say Senator Evan Bayh (D-IN) finally responded: "I can't tell you how often I get up in the morning and go to work and wonder if in fact I'm not really an ambassador to a foreign country."