For this week George Bush has put gay weddings at the top of the political agenda, proposing the radical step of an amendment to the American constitution. The crisis began on Monday when spy satellite photos clearly showed Simon and Julian choosing a wedding cake with two little men on top. Surveillance teams at the Pentagon reported increased present-buying in the soft furnishing department of Bloomingdale's by other suspected local gays and their allies (single women in their forties). Meanwhile, chemical experts reported that Simon and Julian were believed to be secretly stockpiling spumanti and cassis, which could be made into pink champagne within 45 minutes. A gay wedding might occur at any time; America is now in a state of pink alert.
One of my all-time favourite columnists hits it on the head again...
Thanks largely to its militant Christian wing, the American right is stuck in the political stone age. By making a constitutional issue out of gay marriages, Bush is hoping to make his enemies become associated with homosexuality. He is relishing the moment when Democrat senators find themselves having to raise their hands to vote to defend the rights of gays, but trying to do so in the most macho manner possible. As the TV cameras swing around the room seeking a raised arm that displays any sign of a slightly limp wrist, the senators will all be chewing gum, while some will have their shirt sleeves rolled up to reveal a tattoo of a naked lady they'd hastily drawn on their arm in ballpoint pen.
"Hey, I really like cars and motorbikes and stuff like that, don't you?"
"Oh, yeah, definitely, and beer and swearing and football."
"Yeah, when all those big, muscly guys all pile on top of one another - damn, damn, I didn't say that!"
I know in these days of political correctness one is supposed to be tolerant and broad-minded, but I'm sorry, I just think it's disgusting. I mean these Christian Republicans. I don't mind them having these views in private, but why do they have to flaunt them so openly? What they say to each other about gays behind locked doors is their own business, but now you get them ostentatiously parading their anti-gay views, and boasting about it on the television. I mean, what if children were to hear?
John O'Farrell has also written several excellent novels, appeared on various BBC shows including Question-Time and used to be a writer for the satirical show "Spitting Image" and "Weekend-ing"