It's now time to rant again about shitty movies, as a result of the horrifying spectacle that is Miss March, overpromoted to death on MySpace as of late. Thankfully, people avoided this piece of crap as it was a huge bomb, and will be forgotten until next year's Razzie's ceremonies. Provided that the gruesome twosome of Friedberg and Seltzer don't put out another movie this year, and assuming Lindsay Lohan is too busy throwing drunken tantrums to make a movie in 2009, Miss March is the early favorite to win the top awards at the Razzies.
That being said, allow me to rant about certain movie genres that need to die a horrible death (or simply just die):
Car Racing Movies-
This especially applies to the unpleasantness that is the next Fast and Furious movie, which explains why Paul Walker can get any work these days (If Richard Donner can't get a good performance out of you in Timeline, nobody can). It's main demographic are the stupid white boys and girls that want to truly believe they're "black" and "ghetto", just so they can get laid on a near-daily basis. Here in Las Vegas, there is a near-sickly obsession with cars, as if they were worth more than loved ones. It's just a fucking car. If you're claiming to be a "dirty" boy because you spend too much time in your truck doing stupid shit, you're a serious douchebag. I wonder who the next big-name rapper will be featured in this one...
Star Wars-
This is written with little pleasure, as I grew up with Star Wars, and the original trilogy is considered by me to be 3 of the best movies ever made (Yes, Jedi was that good. Ewoks at least had some fight, as opposed to Gungans vs. Battle Droids). As bothersome as the Special Editions were, it was some of the best experiences in a movie theater for me. And I enjoyed Revenge of the Sith very much, considering it (for the most part) to be the only worthy prequel. Sadly, the Phantom Menace was a idiotic kids movie, and Attack of the Clones was the most forgettable, and this is a movie with Christopher Lee! And I only could make it through the first 10 minutes of the Clone Wars before I walked out, utterly appalled. Something is very wrong when you see the Warner Bros. logo, instead of hearing John Williams' version of the 20th Century-Fox fanfare. Of course, these all are easily preferable to the horror that is the Holiday Special. Yes, even in 1978, the cracks began to show. I never cared for the Clone Wars TV series either, and it's time to pack it in and save Star Wars from becoming an even bigger joke than it already is. Man, this really hurt to write, but it had to be said.
Road Trip For Sex Comedies-
Now you can see why American movies are usually frowned upon, and these movies are a huge reason why. Let me make sure I have this correct. Uptight guy meets a girl, nearly gets laid, something totally impossible happens to detour him, girl disappears, guy goes on a road trip with douchebag friend, meets total assholes and the obligatory lesbians, guy reaches the girl but decides against getting her back suddenly. Oh, and while we're on the subject, no more Playboy ANYTHING! We've put up with the House Bunny, and we're somehow survived through the Girls Next Door....but Miss March?! I say we take off and nuke the Playboy Mansion from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
Kevin Costner Movies-
There have only been a total of two movies where I could stand him. The Untouchables was one of Brian DePalma's best with a great supporting cast, and Bull Durham, where Costner was the worst thing about it, but the movie was carried by Susan Sarandon and my love for the game of baseball. But everything else has ranged from cliched to annoying to ridiculous. I endured Waterworld in a movie theater and it's an experience I'd like to pretend never happend. Swing Vote was a syrupy bullshit fairy tale that was many years too late and a waste of good talent. But the serious crime that is unforgiveable is robbing Martin Scorsece of the Best Director and Picture Oscars in 1990, when Dances With Wolves inexplicably beat out GoodFellas. That, I can never forgive.
Dancing Movies-
I hated Dirty Dancing. And I don't care if it sets my hopes of getting laid back another year or so, I hated it with a passion. But it's so much worse these days, when you keep hearing about those movies about the guy from the wrong side of the tracks finding inspiration by dancing hip-hop and stealing some pin-up girl from a big shot. And now it's about to be spoofed, which certainly makes it all the more painful (More on spoofs in a bit). It basically contributes to the false perception that a lot of people my age like to put on for others, and what will it do for you after the end credits roll? Does it get you a job, or even a gig? Not everything today has to be "ghettoized". I prefer to be me, even if I don't get the girl for another few years.
Spoof Movies-
It's painful to witness the downfall of this genre. I grew up with Mel Brooks, Zucker/Abrahams (When they were in their prime), Leslie Nielsen, Harvey Korman, and Madeline Kahn (I consider her to be the best actress I've ever seen). They kept their spoofs on topic, with such humor that even to this day can still make you laugh all day. Sadly, I can only get that humor now from political funnies and reviews of bad movies. It's sad to see Leslie Nielsen reduced to supporting roles that, in spite of his best efforts, are written so poorly that all you can get is a few chuckles anymore. The genres was hijacked around 9-10 years ago by the Wayans Brothers, who chose to go down the gross-out route with the first two Scary Movies that introduced the concept that you can put in so many fads and pop-culture references of the time it was released. Within a week, the references were outdated. But then this practice fell in the hands of a duo named Friedberg and Seltzer, and they have put out a series of truly horrifying movies that weren't even spoofing the genres that it's title was saying (i.e. Juno in Disaster Movie). Worse, they contain the kind of references that we very much world like to forget even happend in the first place, such as Punk'd. Hell, even Zucker has fallen hard, partly because of being a "9/12 Republican". The Scary Movie sequels and An American Carol are the examples of his fall from grace. It hurts to say this, but not even the great Mel Brooks himself could save this genre now. Just be grateful that he's still with us today.
Sports Movies-
And this goes for both inspirational and comedy sports movies. Look, no matter how much you try to sugarcoat a underdog story about a player or team, you're not fooling me. And comedy doesn't mean gross out gags. Besides, nothing will ever top Major League, and the fact that Jesus Christ could never hit a curveball.
Movies for Tweens-
We all remember the Twilight craze from last fall, in spite of the fact it was about a Hayden Christensen-wannabee that was ripping off Superman's powers and claiming it to be witchcraft or whatever. In the past, we've put up with such classics as Bratz, Save the Last Dance,the Covenant, the endless string of teenybopper movies from 1999-2001, etc. I think it's fair to say that the 13-14 year old demographic are total idiots. Speaking of Save the Last Dance, I remember when I went to the theater to see it back in 8th grade. But the funniest bit was when all these middle schoolers started fucking around and getting into fights and whatnot, and they even formed a conga line of sorts around the middle seats, it was hilarious. That, and their callback lines that were incomprehensible.
Cult Wannabees-
You don't make a cult. It happens. It happend for Rocky Horror, and it happend for The Goonies. You just can't shove a movie down someone's throats and expect it to be followed and performed by a floorshow cast. Just because a movie can POSSIBLY be bad doesn't mean that it's watchable. And throwing in product placement (Red Bull in Snakes on a Plane) and stars of the moment (Paris Hilton in REPO!) only makes us more inclined NOT to want to watch it even the first time.
Music Superstar Movies-
This might get me hanged, but I paid to see both Glitter and Crossroads. Glitter was out of desperation from the 9/11 coverage (Right when it was shifting from compassion to HAIL BUSH!). Never did anything look so out of place or tedious. Crossroads....*sigh*....I willingly paid FULL PRICE for it. I have been wanting the money back ever since....and I still cant bear to watch even a second of it again. It's needless to say how the movies were. What's even more annoying are the vehicles with rappers that are nothing but album promotions. I felt like the only man in the world that was unwilling to see 8 Mile when all the teen girls wanted to go to masturbate to Eminem back in 2002.
I rest my case.