In a surprise story just developing, the debate on so-called 'torture' has found a bold new ally.
The great-grandson of Adolf Hitler, Joey Hitler, will be making twelve consecutive appearances on cable talkshows this weekend to attempt to, in the words of his publicist, "Reconsider the prevailing liberal orthodoxy about the merits of The Holocaust, and to place waterboarding in its proper historical context."
Leading progressives and liberal commentators immediately slammed the decision by the cable news shows to feature such a reviled point of view, while Conservative criticism has remained muted, with only Sean Hannity willing to go on record saying:
"About time the liberal media hears another viewpoint on the Holocaust. All we ever hear is boo hoo hoo, all these Jews died. But in war, tough decisions have to be made!"
What makes the story so surprising is that no one knew that the notorious architect of the Third Reich, who committed suicide in 1945, had any surviving relatives until last week.
Joey Hitler has now been booked on "Meet The Press," "Fox News with Chris Wallace," and "This Week with George Stephanapoulos," each of which issued hastily drafted press conferences defending the booking of Mr. Hitler on their shows:
"While for many years, the rounding up and massacring of millions of innocent people in the Holocaust was generally considered a horrific war crime and one of the most evil acts in global history, others disagree. If 'Meet the Press' refuses to consider these alternative viewpoints on the merits of the Holocaust, we are implicitly endorsing the idea that Adolf Hitler's Third Reich was, indeed, evil, and this would betray a media bias we are not prepared to engage in." said David Gregory, before rushing off for his tri-weekly haircut appointment.
"Some people say the Holocaust was horrific. Others say genetic cleansing of the less desirables and biologically inferior is the way to a stronger nation-state. We must have Joey Hitler on our show to hear all viewpoints equally. I will sit between these two viewpoints as they are expressed, and furrow my brow." said George Stephanopoulos in between mani-pedis.
Fox News's Chris Wallace was even more overt:
"Who is to say what torture really is? Certainly not me. Certainly not you. Certainly not developed and articulated legal opinion worked out in the global courts. Liz Cheney argues what used to be called 'Chinese Water Torture' is nothing more than another form of interrogation. So can you sit here and tell me that Joey Hitler might not have a point about the Holocaust being the necessary evil to lead to a glorious Aryan thousand year Reich in which everyone would look like Brad Pitt and Sharon Stone? I mean, those two are hot!"
Joey Hitler, 52 years old, has yet to issue a public comment, other than to say that the recent shift in discussion to reconsidering what had previously been considered settled law on war crimes and torture meant that the climate was right for his agenda to finally reach the national media.
"Just because the liberal media tells you the Holocaust was horrible and tragic, that doesn't make it so." said Joey Hitler, from an underground bunker at Fox News. "Germany was facing mythical superpowerful villians, the Jews, who controlled the world with their tentacles, money and super-brains. We had no choice but to eliminate this threat. The Holocaust was simply an act of national defense, and after the glorious years of President Cheney's leadership, people can now see that for themselves." said Hitler, in a rare interview before boarding his luftwaffen.
In a surprising twist, Joe Lieberman held an impromptu press conference to comment on the emergence of Mr. Hitler in the national discourse:
"I see nothing wrong with reconsidering the political framework of the Holocaust." Mr. Lieberman said while his last Connecticut supporter, 92 year old Frank Smithline of Hartford, cheered wildly in the audience. "It is easy to simply 'blame Germany.' But these were complex issues in a complex time of war!" Lieberman continued, while Mr. Smithline took his meds and dozed off to sleep. "Adolf Hitler did what he thought was right at the time. It's easy to sit here and judge him for his mistakes with the benefit of hindsight." Lieberman droned on. "It's only liberals like Steven Spielberg and the so-called Shoah foundation who insist on digging up and wallowing in the mistakes of the past." Lieberman concluded, before quietly muttering, "I hate myself."
Joey Hitler, born in Argentina, moved to the United States in 1978, quietly clerking for Chief Justice William Renquist in the 1980s before becoming a speechwriter for Pat Buchanan's failed presidential run in 1988. Buchanan, now a pundit for MSNBC, had the following to say:
"I had no idea Joey Hitler was related to Adolf Hitler. While I did have to tone down some of his language in my speeches, changing 'Kikes' to 'AIPAC' and 'mud people' to 'immigrants,' I found him to be a proud and powerful young conservative who should not be judged on his family's history."
By 3pm, Fox News's Sean Hannity had announced plans to produce a two hour primetime special "Nazism Revisited: The Liberal Smear of a Troubled German Nation."
Jonah Goldberg was even more overt:
"All these liberal doves talk about the 'gassing of the Jews' in concentration camps like it's some horrible thing. Maybe in an ideal world it is. But please, this is the real world! In war, nations must take bold steps if they are to survive. In fact, I'll let you gas me in a chamber to show you how not a big deal it really is!" Jonah Goldberg said at the sparsely attended press conference, while his mother, Lucianne Goldberg, cut checks from the Heritage Foundation to all who showed up and feigned interest. Later, when numerous people came forth offering to take Goldberg up on his offer to experience a gas chamber, Goldberg refused comment.
By the end of the day, the highly anticipated appearances by Joey Hitler caused CNN's Wolf Blitzer to pose the following on "The Situation Room":
"Have we misjudged the Holocaust? Could ethnic cleansing and the massacring of millions of 'undesirables' have economic benefits we have yet to fully consider? Maybe yes, maybe no. But what's clear is that this is a debate that should be treated as 50/50 by the objective traditional news media, and not with all those silly facts, and evidence, and historical perspective, we see on the pajamas wearing blogger blogs."
Clear Channel is reportedly considering giving Joey Hitler 20 hours a week on national talk radio.
Richard Mellon Scaife announced plans to finance the publishing of Joey Hitler's new book, "Why Not a Holocaust?" as part of the Conservative Book of the Month Club, in which no one will actually buy it except Richard Mellon Scaife, thereby faking sales to place it on the New York Times Bestseller list and imply a national popularity that never actually existed.