From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
The Wit of Will
This year marks the 75th anniversary of Will Rogers' death in a plane crash in Alaska. In 1935 Roosevelt (whom he supported) had only been in office for two years and my parents were still in diapers. Huge Hollywood star, razor-sharp pundit, and one of the best things to come from Oklahoma. Here are some of his observations that ring as true today as they did 75 years ago:
"Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans."
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"Things will get better-despite our efforts to improve them."
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"Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat."
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"You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way."
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"If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics."
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"A fool and his money are soon elected."
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"An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's."
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"Try to live your life so that you wouldn't be afraid to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."
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"If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world."
And given that polls show Jon Stewart to be the most trusted newsman in America these days, this is smirk-worthy:
"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
More here.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Note: Oh, another New Year's resolution: I shall stop taunting the 80 year-old lady across the street by singing, "Come and sit on my face if you love me..." (She's started harmonizing in a deeply disturbing way.)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2010 elections: 300
Days `til the 6th annual Palm Beach Poetry Festival: 12
Chances that a refugee worldwide has been displaced for more than five years: 2-in-3
(Source: Harper's Index)
Number of FBI securities fraud inquiries launched last year: 2,100
Number of FBI agents working on high-yield investment fraud cases including Ponzi schemes: 651
(Source: AP)
Increase in the wholesale price of high-quality black tea, due to droughts in Kenya, India and Sri Lanka: 80%
(Source: Financial Times via The Week)
Year in which women were included for the first time in an inaugural parade: 1917 (Wilson, 2nd inaugural)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 169 (including 3 Wild Weathers and 1 silly ex-Speaker-turned-amateur meteorologist). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Strategic withdrawal
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CHEERS to another day at the sausage-making factory. Well, this is it, kids: the next to next to next to last hurdle between Congress's healthcare reform bill and the president's desk. Apparently all formality has been thrown out the window and the final meshing of the House and Senate bills will be done between cribbage matches and snifters of brandy in the Capitol rumpus room---and NO Republicans allowed! SPOILER ALERT: The final bill will be the Senate version with input from the House mostly amounting to dotting the i's with little hearts and picking out the paper stock. Stay tuned to C&J for future updates. Because if you go into the diaries you'll be eaten alive.
JEERS to Byron going bye bye. Ugh---not good news. Senator Dorgan of North Dakota---one of the good Democrats---won’t be running for re-election so he can spend more time with his family. And to show what an honest guy he is, he's really retiring so he can spend more time with his family! Damn...that may be a first. Meanwhile, several North Dakota Democrats may express interest in replacing him. Unfortunately, they won’t be able to move their mouths to speak until the spring thaw.
JEERS to Dodd's departure. Sheesh. This morning we woke up to the news that the Democratic senator from Connecticut is bowing out. I like him. But, unlike Dorgan, this is probably a good move for the party:
In this case, Mr. Dodd was already considered one of the most vulnerable Democrats facing re-election this November, and party officials had been privately hoping he would step aside. His move opens the way for the state’s highly popular attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, a Democrat, to run. Democrats and Republicans said he would be a much stronger candidate in what is a Democratic state.
I read on the prestigious internets that Blumenthal is something of a publicity hound and that, "The most dangerous place in Connecticut is between Dick Blumenthal and a TV camera." Yup...he's senate material alright.
CHEERS to RNC chairman Michael Steele. Because, really, isn’t it about time someone had the balls to stand up and proudly revive timeless racial epithets like "Honest Injun?" We think so. Be sure to catch him today on CNN as he bounces onto the set and announces he's feeling as chipper as Ching Chong Chinaman.
CHEERS to the Land of Enchantment. Happy 98th birthday to our 47th state: New Mexico! Not many people know this, but the state's official insect is the tarantula hawk wasp, which apparently flew through the gates of hell to get here:
When a female is ready to lay her eggs, she seeks out a tarantula and injects it with paralyzing venom. She drags the tarantula to a burrow and stuffs it down the hole, then lays her eggs on top of the paralyzed spider. Several days later the eggs hatch and the larvae feed on the still living tarantula.
Also not many people know that the state maintains an army of giant tarantula hawk wasps in an underground bunker in Roswell. And also not many people know that therein lies the reason for the state's official motto: "What New Mexico Wants, New Mexico Gets."
JEERS to the morals of a marketer. Frank Schubert is the guy who runs dishonest campaigns to kill same-sex marriage laws (like the ones he killed in California in '08 and here in Maine last November) and maintain gay people's status as second-class citizens. Did you know he has a sister? Yup, and she's gay. And advertisers wonder why they find themselves at the bottom of the public opinion barrel.
P.S. We hear New Jersey will make one final Hail Mary pass tomorrow to put gay marriage on the books before Governor Jon Corzine is succeeded by a Republican who thinks equality is a four-letter word. Can't say I'm optimistic---it feels too rushed and discombobulated. Happy to be wrong, of course. But that would be a first.
JEERS to tragic meetings of sperm and egg. On January 6, 1945, George H.W. Bush married Barbara Pierce. We wish them a happy 65th anniversary and all...but the product of their hot passionate night fogging up the Studebaker windows to produce George II darn near destroyed America. Which is why we need a constitutional amendment right now to outlaw the biggest threat to our democracy: Republican marriage.
P.S. Greetings also to George and Martha Washington on their 251st anniversary. You can skip the gifts, though...they haven't spoken in years.
CHEERS to The Pootie Chronicles, Part 4: Indiana Pootie and Kingdom of the Fancy Feast. Folks have been asking us how our new kitty, Fantom, is doing since we adopted her in August, so here's the latest update. For the last 21 days I've been sticking a syringe full of tuna-flavored goop down her throat to deliver the medicine that will hopefully get rid of the cat scratch fever our vet discovered last month. So this weekend she gets tested again and, if statistics are to be believed, there's an 83 percent chance it'll be gone. Other than that she's doing great. Vocal as hell---she sounds like what I imagine a chatty newborn Chewbacca would sound like. And, best of all, she's found a spot at the foot of the bed where she can squeeze in and sleep butt-to-butt with our chocolate lab, Molly. It's like the friggin' Waltons---takes us all half an hour just to say goodnight.
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Five years ago in C&J: January 6, 2005
JEERS to God's Plan. Pat Robertson's been staying up late instant-messaging with the Almighty again. The latest from the Man upstairs: "I will remove judges from the Supreme Court quickly, and their successors will refuse to sanction the attacks on religious faith. President Bush will have Social Security and tax reform passed, and the Muslims will turn to Jesus Christ." He added, "Oh...and can you FedEx me another case of Vernors?" [1/6/10 Update: Five years later, I'm beginning to doubt his magic powers.]
JEERS to vermin on the loose. The Florida Keys---where C&J recreates every winter---are threatened by an insurgency of rats as big as raccoons. And the cats are howling over the lack of body armor. [1/6/10 Update: The good news: rats aren’t as big of a problem anymore. The bad news: it's because of the outbreak of pythons. Quick---what eats pythons? Anything???]
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And just one more...
CHEERS to one helluva roadmap. On January 6, 1941, Franklin Roosevelt gave his famous "Four Freedoms" State of the Union speech. While the oft-cited quartet---of speech, of religion, from want and from fear---is timeless, so too is this part of FDR's speech, which basically is the progressive playbook:
"The basic things expected by our people of their political and economic systems are simple. They are: Equality of opportunity for youth and for others. Jobs for those who can work. Security for those who need it. The ending of special privilege for the few. The preservation of civil liberties for all. The enjoyment of the fruits of scientific progress in a wider and constantly rising standard of living.
These are the simple, the basic things that must never be lost sight of in the turmoil and unbelievable complexity of our modern world. The inner and abiding strength of our economic and political systems is dependent upon the degree to which they fulfill these expectations.
Many subjects connected with our social economy call for immediate improvement. As examples: We should bring more citizens under the coverage of old-age pensions and unemployment insurance. We should widen the opportunities for adequate medical care. We should plan a better system by which persons deserving or needing gainful employment may obtain it.
We hear Eleanor loved it so much she gave her husband the first presidential fist-bump on record. Sorry, Michelle.
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Hey, it's Earl Scruggs' 86th birthday, and you know what that means: Foggy Mountain Breakdown! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"If the Republican Party is wise, they will allow themselves to be re-defined by Bill in Portland Maine. And I hope that that will be the case."
---Michele Bachmann
12/29/09
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