Stephen Colbert had a great segment last night mocking how anti-immigrant the GOP base is, as the right-wing so quickly turned on Rick Perry for appearing to have a heart when it comes to undocumented children living in the U.S.
Folks, if America is going to solve our illegal immigration problem, we need to look inside ourselves with an emotional melon baller, and scoop out any vestige of human kindness. (Radical Sympathectomy)
Especially when it comes to pregnant illegals. They're the most devious kind, because they sneak across our border with another immigrant hiding inside them. OK? For all we know, there's another one hiding inside the baby! (A Mexi-ducken)
Now, these women know that the second they drop their anchor baby on U.S. soil, the illegal resource-sucking parasite inside them that's been stealing jobs from American embryos is instantly transformed into the greatest, bestest, free-est baby in the world.
You are so cute! Yes you are! Who deserves a free education? You do! You do!
You see, I love this baby, because he is an American. But if that baby were born in Mexico....
Hey, speak-a da English, goo goo gaa gaa!
Now luckily, some states have found a great way to discourage these women from coming here squatting out a freedom fetus. (Bred, White, And Blue) Recently, in Arizona and Tennessee, three pregnant women were arrested for not having proper identification, and forced to give birth "shackled to their hospital beds, without their husbands, [and] in the presence of a prison guard".
So a quick tip for the olive-skinned ladies, when you're at 10 centimeters and fully effaced, you're going to want to find your driver's license. (For Once You'll Look Like The Photo)
Video and transcript below the fold.
Nation, regular viewers know that last night, I defended Texas Governor Rick Perry for last week's tongue-tied debate performance. But in reviewing the footage, folks, I have to admit he did make one major gaffe when talking about college tuition subsidies for children of illegal immigrants.
RICK PERRY (9/22/2011): If you say that we should not educate children who have come into our state for no other reason than they've been brought there, by no fault of their own, I don't think you have a heart.
Boo. Boo to you, sir. That did not play well with the base. Jim?
FRANK LUNTZ (9/23/2011): Rick Perry made a big mistake on the issue of immigration.
ERICK ERICKSON (9/23/2011): ... conservatives got mad at him ...
CHRIS MATTHEWS (9/25/2011): Conservatives are offended when you suggest they don't have a heart.
Yes, because conservatives and liberals, all Americans have hearts. It's just that there's no room in there for immigrants, because the ventricles are already filled with nacho cheese.
Now folks, there are 10 million (.pdf) illegals in this country. We are way too soft when it comes to apprehending them. Case in point. When I handcuff a suspected illegal, I'm the one who gets kicked out of an Emmy after party? My apologies to Sofía Vergara. Now luckily... she was gracious about it.
Luckily, some people are deporting their sympathy, and getting tough on immigrants. And it's the subject of tonight's Wørd: Labor Chains.
Folks, if America is going to solve our illegal immigration problem, we need to look inside ourselves with an emotional melon baller, and scoop out any vestige of human kindness. (Radical Sympathectomy)
Especially when it comes to pregnant illegals. They're the most devious kind, because they sneak across our border with another immigrant hiding inside them. OK? For all we know, there's another one hiding inside the baby! (A Mexi-ducken)
Now, these women know that the second they drop their anchor baby on U.S. soil, the illegal resource-sucking parasite inside them that's been stealing jobs from American embryos is instantly transformed into the greatest, bestest, free-est baby in the world.
You are so cute! Yes you are! Who deserves a free education? You do! You do!
You see, I love this baby, because he is an American. But if that baby were born in Mexico....
Hey, speak-a da English, goo goo gaa gaa!
Now luckily, some states have found a great way to discourage these women from coming here squatting out a freedom fetus. (Bred, White, And Blue) Recently, in Arizona and Tennessee, three pregnant women were arrested for not having proper identification, and forced to give birth "shackled to their hospital beds, without their husbands, [and] in the presence of a prison guard".
So a quick tip for the olive-skinned ladies, when you're at 10 centimeters and fully effaced, you're going to want to find your driver's license. (For Once You'll Look Like The Photo)
Unfortunately, folks... unfortunately, when confronted with a woman in labor, some law enforcement lack the authority to slap them in 4-point restraints. Because sadly, this is legal in only 36 states.
Folks, I say this is dangerous. We have got to manacle these mamacitas down. I mean, even American women in labor are dangerous. They have super strength, and they get mean as a snake. My wife turned into a wolf-headed she-creature. (And She Will Again After Seeing This)
But I say, chaining down these women in labor is not far enough. She's already shackled to a hospital bed, why don't we just roll it down to the Southern border, cut a hole in the wall, and let her pop that baby out into Mexico?
That way, it's not an American citizen, and I don't have to treat it with human decency. (Hasta La Vista, Baby)
But, and this is important, this is important. Attendant physicians, please be careful when delivering the infant. Don't cut the umbilical cord. Now that it's officially Mexican, we're going to want to reel that baby back into America. (On Next Season's "Deadliest Catch"...)
You see, we're going to need it. We're going to need that baby for cheap, unregulated labor. Those small, soft hands are perfect for harvesting clementines. (Orange You Sad?) We do not want to end up with bruised fruit. That would be heartless. (Labor Chains) And that's the Wørd. We'll be right back.
Stephen also reintroduced the Atone Phone for Jews who've wronged Stephen in the past year. He also noted how George Clooney has wild parties at his Italian villa where David Gergen went skinny-dipping. (OK, I'll give you some time to put your eyeballs back in your eye sockets.) And he interviewed Ken Burns about his new documentary about Prohibition.
Meanwhile, Jon ripped the media for continuing to speculate about Chris Christie even when he's repeatedly said he's not running. As Jon noted, as we're taught in college, no means no.
But then
Sarah Palin couldn't hold to that same standard.
Sam Bee then had an
awesome segment where she helps out an American family by turning them into a corporation!
And then Jon's guest was Bill O'Reilly, so of course it went long. Here's the unedited interview in two parts. Jon did hit back at O'Reilly's ludicrous claim that he'd quit if Obama raised his taxes. And when O'Reilly tried to bring up Solyndra, Jon quickly pointed out how it was such a tiny part of the overall program of investing in energy companies across the board. O'Reilly couldn't gain traction on that, so he moved to a right-wing poutrage story about $16 muffins, which of course is
also a
lie.
Part 1
Part 2
