Pandemonium erupted at Romney campaign headquarters as this morning’s Labor Department report revealed that:
employers added a paltry 69,000 jobs to their payrolls last month, the fewest since May last year, is also troubling news for President Barack Obama ahead of November's elections.
The unemployment rate rose to 8.2 percent from 8.1 percent partly because people flocked into the labor market.
The usually awkward and perennially socially challenged Robo-Mitt was seen dancing with wild abandon to the actual beat of “Happy Days Are Here Again” as stunned campaign staffers looked on.
At first, Secret Service agents suspected a software malfunction, which had explained Robo-Mitt's previous proto-human episodes. Tech Support was called in to run diagnostics, but no apparent excursions from design parameters were noted beyond an elevated heart rate and borderline-high levels of cyber-endorphins coursing through his plumbing.
Fearing that he might injure himself or others, worried office staffers moved furniture and computers out of the way. Taking advantage of this enlarged dance floor, Robo-Mitt showed off his humanoid dance moves, this time to Steely Dan's "Black Friday". The music was apparently emanating from an audio port in Robo-Mitt's creased denim exoskeletal matrix, and was growing louder as his dance grew more frenetic.
In a frightening lurch, Robo-Mitt jumped on top of one of the desks, Secret Service agents leaping with him to ensure that he didn't fall and damage the recently-installed Nominee 2.0 hardware upgrades.
Grab your barf bag and follow along below the gaping hole in the safety net for the rest of the story...
"THIS!!" Robo-Mitt shouted, pointing to the Faux News graph on the wall-sized flat-screen television. "THIS is what we've been waiting for! FINALLY! FINALLY, our plan is coming together. I KNEW we could do it!"
Accustomed by now to the fact that Robo-Mitt was speaking in his usual "royal we" mode of address and that this didn't suggest for one moment that they would be given any lasting recognition, the team nonetheless erupted in applause, with staffers high-fiving each other.
This, after all, was what The Man expected. Plus, it was good practice for the upcoming campaign events where they would have to interact with the great unwashed masses of voters, one of the necessary evils of campaigning.
Robo-Mitt, by now sweating profusely but grinning from ear to ear and clearly relishing the moment, shouted, "Look at that! All those desperate little people out there. How's that 'hope and change' working out for THEM! What a bunch of losers! What a beautiful sight. This is MARVELOUS! Simply MARVELOUS!"
"Well, sir", replied a senior aide, "You deserve every bit of it. Now that you've clinched the nomination and people will see these numbers tanking month by month, it's OVER! We've got this NAILED! Man, talk about TIMING! I said it at Bain and I'll say it again: YOU ARE THE MAN!!"
Robo-Mitt turned up the tunes, and by now the place was rocking. If an alien had landed and set foot in this office, they'd conclude that Earth was one happening place. For people who didn't drink, this was one fun bunch.
The jubilant festivities were interrupted when the phone consoles began flashing red. Hurriedly, the secretary raced from the makeshift dance floor to answer it.
"Mr. Romney", she said, trying to regain her composure, "It's Satan on line one. Do you want me to have him call back?"
Robo-Mitt, unfazed, said, "No, that's okay. Put him through on my private line. I want to thank him personally."