Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the intrepid journalists at Politico have uncovered shocking details in the rapidly-evolving Gravitygate scandal in which President Obama has been implicated. Now, I won't be popular for bringing these facts to your attention, but as a fearless hero dedicated to truth, justice, and the American Way (like Superman, who I'm told was based on me), your opinion doesn't mean anything to me - but don't forget to Rec, preferably multiple times if you have any puppet accounts. Details of Obama's nefarious betrayal over the fold.
Every single one of Obama's appointees - every single one - has been caught red-handed on camera accelerating toward the Earth at 9.8 m/s2: The very same rate of downward acceleration witnessed on the part of Republican Congressional leaders. Watch the following, if you can stomach Obama's spineless capitulation to an unelected force of nature:
Note the cavalier way he remains oriented upright in clear obsequiousness to gravity. How about standing in the direction of justice for once? Nope - always he stands or sits according to the dictates of Boss Higgs, who rewards his corrupt services with the bribe of balance and/or forward locomotion. This is not what I voted for, people: I voted for a Real Leader - one who would not just bow down to physics, but who would stand up (or down, or sideways, or obliquely) when ideology and gravity are incompatible. Don't believe me? What do you notice about John Boehner here:
That's right - his feet are on the floor, and his head is pointed toward the ceiling. What he says is a ridiculous attack on the President, of course, but that's just a mutually-agreed-upon distraction so that you won't notice they're both standing in the same orientation. The exact same orientation. It's a conspiracy of the highest and most devious kind, and what's more, Obama doesn't even hide his betrayal. Just look at this quote from the President:
I [...] stand [...] up [...] with [...] Speaker [...] Boehner [...] and [...] I [...] am [...] against [...] freedom.How did America fall this far? Gravity, that's how! FDR didn't walk around all day obeying gravity - he was clever: He rolled in a wheelchair. Where is that bold leadership now? Here's a photo of a true American President at the Yalta conference, doing his job by not just knuckling under to reality:
And whenever Obama does defy gravity, it's always with the aid of some cynical, right-wing political apparatus like a chair, or a floor, or the friction of his shoes against a surface. Where is the principle? Where is the conscientious mid-air flotation? Nowhere! Every day, in every way, this President is wedded to the force of gravity even when he pretends to resist it. Does he walk over the pits and abysses constructed by Republicans, floating around on the sheer force of good intentions like Ralph Nader would have? Of course not - he builds ladders and catwalks that merely divert the force of gravity into points of contact with the Earth: Same old engineering kabuki. Even if you get to the intended destination that way, what's the point if you concede everything to blasphemous logic?
Well, I don't know about you, but I don't just want a President who passes the buck to some engineered structural element. I want a principled stand (or sit, or float) against gravity. And I want it back in time, preferably during the 1840s. And I want the news of it served to me by unicorns in Narnia at 13 o'clock, February 30th, on the dark side of the Sun. I demand that the President stop dealing with the fact that Congress has budget authority under the Constitution. I demand that he pretend the House of Representatives and thus the budget process is not under Republican control, and fail to fund the federal government for as long as possible until these millionaire, unelected Republicans who would lose nothing see the light and agree to reasonable compromises. And, most importantly, I demand that he cease and desist accelerating toward Earth at 9.2 meters per second squared, which no elected authority has ever agreed to.
Democrats and Republicans are all the same, man - gravity whores, the lot of them!