I'm seeing more craziness out on the roadways than ever. Since it's my sacred duty as a middle-aged suburban male to teach everyone else how to drive, I've decided we could use another one of these (plus it's fun).
In the first installment I stereotyped, ahem, "categorized" these folks by what they drive. This time around we'll look at some of the crazy stunts I've seen out there.
Better buckle up, this could get interesting.
1. The Weaver
Good luck with that.
They've got places to be and things to do that are obviously more important than you. That's why they constantly changes lanes like an NFL running back heading for the end zone. Left, center, right, center, right again, you get the idea. Turn signals are strictly optional and usually not employed.
In rush hour traffic all this extra effort puts them maybe three car-lengths ahead of you, getting them to their destination roughly 30 seconds earlier than they would have otherwise.
That looks like a lot of extra work. Sure hope it was worth it.
2. The Left-Lane Hog
Sums it up nicely.
This person drives #1 crazy. They're unsure of the concept that the left lane is mainly for passing so they like to camp out there all day. They either don't have much grasp of what's going on around them, or maybe they just don't care. Either way they're not helping.
3. The Passive-Aggressive
This person behaves a lot like #2 except they know exactly what they're doing. They're either trying to be the self-appointed enforcer of the speed limit or they're just doing it to mess with driver #1. Are they a jerk or just an idiot? You decide. They may not have road-rage, but they're probably causing it.
4. The Just Plain Aggressive
Yikes!
AKA - everybody in Boston. Don't make eye contact, they'll take it as a challenge. Don't signal, it just gives away your intentions and lets them speed up to cut you off. Be sure to carry
plenty of insurance.
They are at least have the benefit of being predictable.
5. The Cautious to a Fault
Just got passed by a kid on a skateboard
This person is "too much of a good thing" personified. They're often found in the center lane, driving 10-15 mph less than everyone else. You'll see freeway traffic parting in a laminar flow around them on either side.
Oh, and if the pavement is a little wet or heaven-forbid has snow on it? Fuhgetaboutit! Hope you weren't in a hurry to get anywhere.
Look, it's good to be safe, but if driving is that scary just think how safe you'd be if you never left the house.
6. The Last-Second Decision Maker
This won't end well.
Hey! That's my exit over there! Extra points if you cross at least three lanes of traffic getting to it.
I saw someone hit the median once while pulling this stunt. It wasn't pretty.
Don't. Just don't.
7. The Rolling Roadblock
What you'll be seeing for the next half hour or so.
OK, I understand, driving a truck is a tough job and the pay sucks. Still, there's nothing more frustrating than getting stuck behind the truck going 56 mph who's trying to pass the truck going 55 mph. It's like watching two glaciers drag race.
Now I've been told that many trucks are governed to where they can only go one or two miles over the speed limit. Fine, I'll grant you that, but then why bother passing?
8. The Squid
Look ma! No brains!
I had to look this one up. Apparently "squid" is motorcyclist slang for "squirrely kid". Doesn't matter what he's called (and it's almost invariably a he), you've seen him. Young guy riding more bike than he's able to handle. Also loves to do wheelies and other "hey look at me!" maneuvers.
Safety gear? Not needed. He's invincible. How would you see how cool he looks if he was wearing a helmet, or a shirt.
Assuming he lives he'll likely end up as the poster-child for skin graft research.
9. The Kamikaze Lane-Splitter
What could possibly go wrong?
"Lane splitting" is when a motorcyclist rides between the lanes of traffic. It's actually legal in some states. Since I'm not brave enough to ride motorcycles any more I'll let others debate whether or not this is a smart move.
This guy isn't your garden variety lane-splitter, however. He'll come rocketing between lanes of traffic so fast he's a blur, engine wound to the red-line, his modified exhaust screaming. First time it happened to me it took a second to even register what it was. Sometimes they travel in packs so watch for his wingmen.
I guess someone needs to keep ambulance drivers in business.
10. The Fearless Urban Cyclist
Soon to be one less hipster
NAFD - No Apparent Fear of Dying
Look, I like bicycles. I enjoy riding mine very much. I don't enjoy it when they dart out into traffic in front of me. Some drivers hate us enough as it is, we don't need to be pissing them off by breaking traffic laws.
11. Memphis
Needs no caption
I've saved the best for last. I've driven everywhere in the country. Chicago, New York, LA, Miami, Dallas and yes even Boston. Memphis is in a class by itself. I don't know what they're putting in the water down there, but they can't be matched for sheer unpredictability anywhere this side of Italy.
I've seen it all. Giant dually pickups barreling up the left lane at 90 mph passing elderly couples going 45. People coming at me wrong way on an exit ramp. Ten miles per hour over the limit will just get you tailgated - by a cop.
Be sure to watch out for the guy running the red light, and the other two cars following him.
And whatever you do, if they happen to get that rare once-a-year snowfall do not drive that day.
Be careful out there folks.