But folks, whether you're an American or a Lady-American, things are going great in this country right now. The Dow is over 16,000! And that is a lot of Dows. I mean, to put that in layman's terms, if you took 16,000 Dows and laid them end to end, that would be almost five Nasdaqs. And I hope I don't have to tell you what that means, cuz I would have to ask someone else. (audience laughter)
We've come a long way since 2008 when the economy cratered, thanks to Obama's misguided running for President. (audience laughter) I think. I was preoccupied with the last season of According to Jim. It was a dark time for everyone. And folks, this recovery is all thanks to our heroic banks, who faced with possible extinction, hunkered down and got to work accepting the all the money in the world that we gave them. And all they asked in return is that we not ask anything in return. Or ever bring the subject up again. (audience laughter)
But some want to destroy our banks, like Massachusetts Senator and school librarian you had a crush on, Elizabeth Warren. (audience cheering and applause) She is credited with the creation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, and argued for its existence on the world's most respected financial program.
5/3/2010:
ELIZABETH WARREN: I want a strong consumer agency to make sure....
STEPHEN COLBERT: What would they do?
ELIZABETH WARREN: What they would do is make sure that we can all read our credit card agreements.
STEPHEN COLBERT: Can you read your credit card agreement?
ELIZABETH WARREN: Not the ones we have now. They're about 30 pages long, tiny little print.
STEPHEN COLBERT: You're a professor of contract law at Harvard University.
ELIZABETH WARREN: That's right.
STEPHEN COLBERT: And you can't read them.
ELIZABETH WARREN: That's right. It's designed not to be read.
Good. Because I can't read my credit card agreement. It's against my credit card agreement. I think. I'm too scared to read it.
And Warren's not just attacking credit cards now. Senator Buzzshackle here wants to take the adventure out of banking.
ELIZABETH WARREN (5/14/2012): Banking should not be this kind of high-risk activity. ... It should not be taking on risks. If you want to take on those risks, you need to be somewhere else. ... Banking should be boring.
Banking should not be boring! Opening a simple checking account should be a high-risk adrenaline-fueled balls to the wall extreme sport! (audience cheering) That's why my accountant Bill files my taxes while landing an inverted 360 nose bone butter slide.

And it's not making her any friends, folks.
5/24/2012:
JOE SCARBOROUGH: Elizabeth Warren is loathed by Wall Street. She's hated by Wall Street.
CHRYSTIA FREELAND: Wall Street hates her.
JONATHAN CHAIT: They really, really do hate her.
It's just like the old Wall Street adage — if you don't have anything nice to say, it's probably about Elizabeth Warren. (audience laughter)
And now she's introduced the Bank on Students Emergency Loan Refinancing Act, a bill so socialist, that socialist Senator Bernie Sanders praised it, saying:
SEN. BERNIE SANDERS, I-VT (5/17/2013): The only thing wrong with this bill is that Elizabeth thought of it and I didn't.
(audience laughter at picture)
She's out-commie-ing the commie! Wait! Hold on, hang on, Jimmy, put Warren's hair on Sanders.

Now put Sanders' hair on Warren.

Oh my God, now switch their faces.

Ah-hah!!! It's the same person!!!
Now worst of all, folks, Warren supporters are lining up to make her President. And she is doing nothing to dissuade them.
SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN, D-MA (4/22/2014): I'm not running for President.
SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN, D-MA (4/25/2014): I'm not running for President.
SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN, D-MA (4/21/2014): I'm not running for President.
SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN, D-MA (4/20/2014): I'm not running for President.
Oh, methinks she doth clearly state she's not running for President too much. I mean, why else would she release this memoir, A Fighting Chance? The only reason politicians write these things is because they're throwing their hat in the ring. That's why I'm confident the Republicans are going to nominate Governor 50 Shades.

(audience laughter)
He promises to tighten Washington's belt... but I won't tell you where. (hysterical audience laughter and applause) Big Republican and/or bondage fans here tonight. (audience laughter) Pumpkin patch. It's my safe word. (audience laughter)
The point is, irresponsible media need to stop giving Senator Warren a platform to spew her destructive agenda. Why? I don't know. I'll ask tonight's guest, Senator Elizabeth Warren. We'll be right back.
, which has caused skewed results for any women taking those medications.