And finally, New Rule: the Pennsylvania teenager who faces up to two years in jail for disrespecting this statue of Jesus must show us he's really got balls and try it with a statue of Mohammad. (audience oohs) Oh don't fucking start with me, 'cause it's going to get worse right now. (audience laughter and applause)
Actually, that's a trick question, 'cause there are no statues of Mohammad, because if you made one, there'd be a fatwa, and you'd wind up dead! Hahahahaha! (audience laughter)
Now folks, I know, as difficult as it is to face this issue, it is important for us as Americans to remember what we stand for. Of all the iconic American images in our history, there's no picture that makes my heart swell with patriotism quite like this one.
(audience laughter)
Because this kid is not going to get killed for this. He's not even going to jail. Yes, there's some local dumbass D.A. trying to throw the book at him, but c'mon, he's a kid. He's just doing what kids do — making Jesus blow them. (audience laughter) U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
It may not be in good taste, I certainly don't condone this type of behavior — praying, I mean. (audience laughter) But it speaks volumes about why liberal Western culture is not just different. It's better. (audience cheering and applause)
President Obama keeps insisting that ISIS is not Islamic. Well, maybe they don't practice the Muslim faith the same way he does. (audience laughter) But if vast numbers of Muslims across the world believe — and they do — that humans deserve to die for merely holding a different idea, or drawing a cartoon, or writing a book, or eloping with the wrong person, not only does the Muslim world have something in common with ISIS, it has too much common with ISIS. You can applaud, sure. (audience cheering and applause)
There's so much talk about wiping out ISIS. You can't, not with bombs. You can only expose that something is a bad idea, like extended warranties. Cultures are different. It's OK to judge that rule of law isn't just different than theocracy; it's better. If you don't see that, you're either a religious fanatic or a masochist, but one thing you are certainly not is a liberal.
To count yourself as a liberal, you have to stand up for liberal principles — free speech; separation of church and state (audience cheering and applause); freedom to practice any religion, or no religion, without the threat of violence (audience cheering and applause); respect for minorities, including homosexuals, equality for women (audience cheering and applause).
It amazes me how here in America, we go nuts over the tiniest violations of these values, while gross atrocities are ignored across the world. Jonah Hill yells, "Suck my dick, faggot!" at the paparazzi, and an entire nation goes into Twitter outrage until he is forced to perform that most debasing of acts, the talk show apology tour. Meanwhile, in 10 countries, actually sucking a dick can get you stoned, and not in a good way.
We hear a lot about the Republican War on Women. It's not cool, Rush Limbaugh called somebody a slut. OK. But Saudi women can't vote, or drive, or hold a job, or leave the house without a man. Overwhelming majorities in every Muslim country say a wife is always obliged to obey her husband. That all seems like a bigger issue than evangelical Christian bakeries refusing to make gay wedding cakes. (audience applause)
91% of Egyptian women have had their clitorises forcibly removed. 98% of Somalian women have. Ayaan Hirsi Ali grew up in Somalia, and is one of them. She was scheduled to speak at Yale last week, but the school's atheist organization — my people — complained that she "did not represent the totality of the ex-Muslim experience". Meaning what? The women who like mutilation? You're atheists! You should be attacking religion, not siding with the people who hold women down and violate them, which apparently you will defend in the name of multiculturalism, and then lose your shit when someone refers to Chaz Bono by the wrong pronoun. (audience applause)
Donald Sterling isn't allowed to own a team, because he told his mistress not to post pictures with black guys. OK. But if we're giving no quarter to intolerance, shouldn't we be starting with the mutilaters and the honor-killers? (audience applause) Or will that divert us from the real problem — that when Mel Gibson drinks, he calls women "sugartits"?
