First, the good news. Don Imus called to say "Thank You!" After your recent comments about the Obama girls, no one will remember why they were mad at him. That was really white of you.
Word on the InterToobs is you said Sasha and Malia are ... let me get this right now....
Disrespectful and Dress Like Bar Sluts
Wow. The Colbert Nation salutes you, Ma'am. You've got balls. Big.Brass.Balls. The kind you can see from the International Space Station!
We understand how hard it must be for you to choke down the bile that rises in your throat every time you hear about those black people living in the White House. After all, they are such low class, trailer park trash. Definitely not Junior League material, like you. And nothing like the Bush girls. Oh...wait a second... let's skip the Bush girls, shall we? What I meant was the Obama kids are nothing like the Palin kids... uh... let's skip them, too, OK? Let's focus on you, Miss Lauten.
I have to confess, I am a bit surprised that you, Elizabeth Lauten, the former New Media Director for the RNC would have the courage to globally publish your open letter during Thanksgiving weekend. Even more courageous, you didn't publish it on your own Facebook Page. Instead, you chose to publish this on your boss's page?!?!?
What can I say? I'm gobsmacked.
Actually, I can say quite a bit. But before I do, let me start with an apology. I apologize for using the LinkedIn picture. It was the most flattering one I could find.
We feel your pain, dear. It must feel awful, moving from a position as New Media Director for the RNC during a presidential campaign down to Communications Director for the House Republicans and then getting demoted to a lowly staff position for a lowly representative. That must be so disheartening. Look, we all know you've fallen off the career path to success, and that has to be an especially bitter pill. You start to give up and you find yourself home for the holidays, drinking alone and typing your bitterness out into the ether, hoping someone will hear your cry for help... but sometimes this is how the Lord tests us.
Speaking of help. When you were working at the RNC, didn't your old boss, Rep. Joe Walsh, explain to you how the InterToobs work? I mean have you seen the stuff that went up there before he went down in flames? Surely, someone told you the stuff you post on the InterToobs is there forever? Maybe you thought they were kidding. Maybe you thought it was short attention span theater out here. Maybe you thought being blonde bought you special privileges. Well, bless your heart. Whoever told you that, they were telling you some mighty tall tales. You're just going to have to live with the knowledge this tar baby is gonna stick to you like white on rice. You might want to give Monica a call for some life advice. You're gonna need it.
I hear you prayed long and hard before you issued an apology. Really?! As a trained media professional, did you really have to say LONG and HARD? Child, what exactly where you praying about? Do you even focus? There's nothing long and hard to be thinking about here. We're talking about young girls. Let's keep this family friendly, OK?
If I was you, I know one thing I would be praying over -- I'd be praying my BOSS, Rep. Stephen Fincher (R-TN) was super busy this holiday weekend and didn't notice you rolled up on his property and peed all over the carpet. If anyone knew you had posted that vile attack on those innocent children in his name, they might think he actually approved what you said. Of course, if he keeps you on his payroll folks might talk. They might say stuff like
"Rep. Stephen Fincher is a closet racist who lets his staffers trashtalk so he can keep his hands clean but still give a wink and a nod to his klavern constituents."
Don't worry, I'm not saying anyone actually is saying that about him -- at least not yet. But you know how people get when they get to talking. Oh that reminds me, I was talking to Liz Trotta, today. She wanted to thank you, too. After your suggesting Sasha (age 13) and Malia (age 15) were uppity ho's, no one is going to remember her tasteless joke.
I understand you probably thought the girls were older than they look. After all, if you stand next to them they are so big. So threatening. So black. Just like their mother, right? It's a wonder they don't have kids of their own, right? I know you know they don't, but we all know what black girls go to bars for, right? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Say no more, eh?
One reason I wanted to reach out to you was to give you a chance to clarify what you mean exactly when you said they were looking for .... what was it... "a spot at the bar" I think were your words. Just to be clear. Did you mean a literal spot at the bar or would a booth be more appropriate? You know, for the kind of stuff women like to do in bars? I just want to get the slut shaming etiquette right.
The other reason I wanted to reach out to you was I know there are going to be a whole raft of reaction gifs, Youtube rants, e-card jokes, reddit mockery, and Twitter comments with your name -- Elizabeth Lauten -- all over it. I see you already have a Twitter tag @DCGopGirl. Hope you got the extended warranty, because people are going to be riding that like there's no tomorrow. Expect all kinds of stuff. You know, like people photoshopping your face onto an ad for The Most Interesting Man in the World, with a caption that says:
I don't always post to Facebook drunk.... but when I do, I like to insult innocent black girls.
I'm not saying anyone is doing that ... yet. But you know how people get when someone starts a meme on the InterToobs about someone who has behaved in a totally reprehensible way and thinks they are going to get away saying Jesus forgives them. You will probably wind up like that poor bastard,
Todd Kincannon. You remember him. He was the former SC GOP Exec Dir who called the Michael Brown shooting "a taxpayer-funded abortion." Sounds like your kind of guy. I don't want to put any more pressure on you right now, but with a career circling the drain and that old Biological Clock ticking away... you could do worse. Just think about it.
Regardless of what you decide, I just want you to know we're here for you. At times like these, it's easy to imagine you are all alone and no one is thinking of you. Perish the thought, girl! We're gonna do everything we can to keep you in our thoughts. That's why from now on -- when someone globally publishes truly ugly, disgusting, uncalled for things about people who have done nothing at all, ever, to deserve that -- we're gonnna call it
Pulling a Liz Lauten!
No need to thank me. You deserve it. You know what they say: Castigat ridendo mores.