Sex with even the clearest head can be confusing. For the newly sober, it can be overwhelming…
It’s like this. I know everyone has an opinion and I know I am not all that stupid, but on this particular topic I am at a loss: DATING & SEX IN SOBIRETY- It’s a big deal as one of our biggest fears with gay men when it comes to getting sober, is how do we navigate this new world with our frontal lobe somewhat back in place, and our pants down to our knees? I can pretty much guarantee you that in my particular case, had I not used drugs for sex, I would never have continued to use these substances at such a strenuous level after some early experimentation in my teens and twenties. I’ve always been able to get high off life. And if any of you have done a killer spin class, been taken through a profound guided breathing meditation or jumped out of an airplane, you know what I mean. It's not difficult tricking your brain to release natural chemicals into your body that mimics the synthetics.
But not with sex. It’s too personal and self conscious of an act. You see, instead of leaving our body like the above examples do, we are expected to not just stay present in the act of sharing oneself, but to amplify the animalistic side of the connection. Not the most natural state of being for a man. And the fact that the female energy which is usually so good at "bringing the man back in"... well it's two men- so, that's not happening. Listen… men like me like to “go there”. And this being a PG piece, I don’t need to explain what my version of that place is… trust me, it’s not something I’d want articulated in detail into the ethers of cyberspace. But suffice it to say, I am not alone in this thinking, and for many of us, it was just easier not to think at all. We just let go… and that’s what drugs did. These substances instantaneously released us from ourselves and removed all our fears of inadequacy. And they did it like a charm. Until they didn’t! Then using became nothing but the darkest curse.
So where is my confusion? It’s not about the sex. I get it. At first, it will probably suck. I’ll be nervous, I’ll have performance anxiety, I will be self conscious, and I will probably flounder around like a starfish with Tourette’s Syndrome. But in time things will level out. And God willing, I’ll be awesome doing the ‘happy naked dance’. Then I will be able to share this experience with someone else who is struggling with finding their own intimacy in sobriety. I’ve seen through example- it does happen. Many guys in these 12-step programs were once just like me, and they have assured me they have better sex now than they ever did high. I had heard this before but never believed it… now I do. I have made strong bonds and developed real friendships in this program. The men I lean on in these rooms don’t lie.
My confusion is, how do I do it? What happens now when my emotions and libido are hopping around like Mexican Jumping Beans? You see, part of me is still that 15 year old kid who first picked up back in my adolescence. My addiction started very easy and so my emotional development probably got stunted back in that period of youth. So I suppose I am re-experiencing growing up, but this time in a sober mind and body. Which is probably why like a goofy kid in high school, I have multiple crushes on a few different guys right now… some of whom like me back it appears. And some of them don’t. But we are all in these rooms together and from what I can tell, in most of us, our sobriety comes first. At least mine does. I know for a fact- if I pick up, I will go down… and probably die. But if you are one of my FB friends, you’ve seen the photos. I am now part of a community where some of the hottest dudes on the planet participate, and are actively working on getting their life back. It would be unnatural for any of us who are sexually active to not be thinking about dating or having sex inside the walls of these rooms.
The part I am most befuddled about is how honest am I supposed to be? I’m fucking horny but I also don’t want to lead someone on who I am not even sure I will want to see again after taming that dragon. Is it ok to seek out "practice runs" with guys who are also trying to figure out sober sex? Or is that just tacky? I don’t want to be the class slut. But I've also done a 6-month stink of celibacy... I might not be ready for love, but something's gotta give. isn't there somewhere in between? That seems like a good fit, but if I sow some oats, what about the guys I see as true potential partners? Like I said, it's confusing. And you know what? I bet it's supposed to be. I believe time heals as well as illuminates. And as scary as this seems now, I also see myself in a monogamous relationship one day. But I have a lot of healing to do first before I ever subject another soul to my crazy… but I’m sorry as much as I’d like to say, “my dick will wait”, it probably won’t. So I am stuck in the in-betweens.