My quilt has arrived!
I do not have the words to thank you all.
Welcome, fellow travelers on the grief journey
and a special welcome to anyone new to The Grieving Room.
We meet every Monday evening.
Whether your loss is recent, or many years ago;
whether you've lost a person, or a pet;
or even if the person you're "mourning" is still alive,
("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time),
you can come to this diary and say whatever you need to say.
We can't solve each other's problems,
but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
Unlike a private journal
here, you know: your words are read by people who
have been through their own hell.
There's no need to pretty it up or tone it down..
It just is.
I had to leave home for a three-day work conference last Monday morning, so when Sara R said the quilt would arrive on Monday I was worried that it would sit in the hallway under the mailboxes for two days. Sometimes my neighbor across the hall carries packages up the stairs for me if they arrive when I am not home. I was planning to write a note asking them to take the box inside their apartment for safekeeping. But it came early in the morning just before I was about to leave, even though the mail usually comes at 2pm. There are no coincidences.
I opened the box very slowly and carefully and gasped as I open it up. It is SO BEAUTIFUL! Such lovely blues and purples and little bits of teal green!
Some material has butterflies--a symbol of resurrection that mom and I were drawn to during her many years of cycling through serious illness and recovery. Countless times she was at death's door only to defy the doctors and come back. She wanted to live because she did not want to leave me. After we reconciled and were close and loving again, she was willing to stay alive in great pain and discomfort just for the joy of being with me. My heart breaks open with complicated emotions at the thought of that.
And at the center a big red heart, including a cardinal (!!!) a bird that is a powerful symbol of my mom. She often told me that when she was pregnant with me there was a cardinal that would sit outside her bedroom window in the morning. So she felt attached to the bird and for years she collected things with cardinals on them: a stained glass window ornament/light catcher, small stuffed toy cardinals, etc. Mom was also fond of red, a color I never liked much but that I now associate lovingly with her. The cardinal looks out at me from the heart (literally) center of my quilt. it is perfect...
And so many messages of support! Just the number of messages was amazing! My eyes just happened to light on one message in the corner, and it turned out to be from my very dearest and best friend who only lurks here occasionally but who wanted to send a message for the quilt. But I did not have time to read all the messages because I needed to get on the road.
So I just sat in mom's chair and held it tightly in my lap like a big lumpy stuffed animal.
I felt the love!
I cried a little bit too.
I thought of all the hours I spent on dKos when my mom was ill. The only place I could find companionship in the middle of the night when she was restless and in pain, needing to be frequently turned or repositioned, or having one of her vomiting episodes.
I thought of all the hours I spent on dKos when the general stress and anxiety of eldercare kept me from getting to sleep, there was nothing on TV, and it was too late even to call my friends on the West Coast.
I thought of all the hours I spent on dKos when she was in the hospital and the apartment seemed so utterly empty at night.
And of course I thought about The Grieving Room. All these years of pouring out my heart in trying to cope with her death. All the intertwining complexity of grief and depression and loneliness and regrets.
I put the quilt on my bed and went to the conference, knowing I would come home to find it there.
It brings my bloghome into my apartment home.
I have read all the messages now. Some are from kogs I know and love, some are names I have only seen a few times before, some are even from people I have had run-ins with, which was incredibly touching and sweet!
The lovecatcher quilts used to go only to people who were facing severe illness and I certainly did not think I "deserved" one. But I will admit here in TGR, where we try to keep it 100 all the time, that I really really wanted one even though I did not feel deserving.
And now I have one. It means the world to me!
I think there is a life lesson in there somewhere...
Words cannot express how grateful I am to all of you. To winglion and Sara R who worked on it so faithfully when she was not feeling well herself. To everyone who contributed and to everyone who wrote messages. To everyone who wanted to be on the quilt--you are there in spirit! thank you ALL.
I wanted to say something as poetic as the testimonials here and here but words fail me. I know I wrote a lot of words here but still they fail me--they fail to describe how deeply grateful I am for this quilt and how much it means to me that it came from all of you.
And I just want to affirm that these quilts are called lovecatchers for a reason! There IS healing love caught in every stitch. Holding it today (and crying again) I felt hope and encouragement pouring into me, helping me to stand strong and not give up on the areas of my life that seem so irreparably damaged.
thank you, thank you, thank you, all my dK friends and family, for gifting me with this tangible sign of the healing power of love!