From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
If Carson The Surgeon Was As Nutty As Carson The Candidate
Dr. Ben: Nurse, this is a very delicate brain operation, so let's proceed carefully.
Nurse: Yes, doctor. Ready when you are.
Dr. Ben: Rib spreader…
Nurse: Beg pardon?
Dr. Ben: Rib spreader! Rib spreader!
Assistant Surgeon: Doctor, shouldn’t you put the patient under first?
Dr. Ben: Who the heck are you? What's your name?
Assistant Surgeon: I'm Dr. Mohammed, your assistant. And shouldn't you be wearing a mask and gloves?
Dr. Ben: Muslims can't be doctors! You're too radical! Out of my operating room! Nurse, we need to knock this patient out---gimme the mallet.
[Whomp!]
Dr. Ben: Good. He's in la-la land. Now gimme the nutcracker.
[Crack!]
Dr. Ben: Oh, hey, looka those brains!
Nurse: Dr. Carson, this is a highly irregular procedure.
Dr. Ben: Quiet, nurse! One more word out of you and I'm putting a note in your personnel file that says you're worse than the holocaust! Now c'mere and re-light my cigar.
Nurse: What???
Dr. Ben: I heard that! That was a word! One more and I'll add that you're also worse than slavery! Now send this patient's brain to the dry cleaners and tell 'em to put extra starch in the occipital lobe. My work is done here. When he wakes up tell him he owes me 80 billion dollars. And nurse?
Nurse: Yes, doctor?
Dr. Ben: Before you fill the skull cavity with packing peanuts, get in there and see if you can find my watch. Toodles!
[ker-SLAM!]
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Note: Breaking: Hillary Clinton to forego campaign ads in favor of appearing before more Republican-led committee hearings. Film at 11.
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10 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Thanksgiving:
29
Days 'til the
Peter Anderson Festival in Ocean Springs, Mississippi:
10
Current approval rating for the tea party:
17%
(Source:
The Hill)
Amount of time students typically spend taking standardized tests per year:
20-25 hours
(Source: AP)
Estimated tax collection from marijuana sales in
Washington state over the next four years:
$1 billion
(Source: Bloomberg)
Estimated number of Americans who will do halloweeny stuff on Halloween:
157 million
(Source:
Parade)
Percent of people surveyed who say they like candy corn:
75%
(Source: Facebook)
World Series Game 1
Kansas City Royals 5 New York Mets 4 (in 14 innings)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 182 (including 5 wild weathers and 7 signs witches are attacking you). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Oh my…
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Go get 'em, Rand!
CHEERS to another GOP slugfest. The gloves are coming off again tonight at the Republican
candidates' debate in Colorado. There will, as usual, be a humiliation debate at 6 featuring second-stringers Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki and Lindsey Graham. And then the main event starts at 8. Tonight the battle lines are pretty clearly drawn: Trump needs to go on offense against Carson. Jeb! needs to go on offense against Rubio. Carly needs to go on offense against her plummeting approval numbers. Cruz and Huckabee need to go on offense against the godless liberals trying to criminalize Christianity. Rand Paul needs to go on offense against the Kentucky political machine that's begging him to drop out. And Kasich and Christie need to summon their best grimaces as they try to best each other in the scowl-off. Because it's airing on CNBC, the economy will take up a good chunk of time. If you want to play a drinking game that'll put you out of your misery early, take a swig every time you hear "tax cuts," "unsustainable entitlements" or "burdensome regulations." You'll be lucky to make it past the introductions.
JEERS to the enablers of shoot-first law enforcement. Kudos to The New York Times for yesterday's lead editorial on police brutality against African-Americans and the people in power who really want us all to look the other way when it happens and shutupshutupshutup. Worth a read all the way through, but here's a snip:
Unfortunately, some people
prefer that they didn't.
Video recordings of police officers battering or even murdering unarmed black citizens have validated longstanding complaints by African-Americans and changed the way the country views the issue of police brutality. Police officers who might once have felt free to arrest or assault black citizens for no cause and explain it away later have been put on notice that the truth could be revealed by a cellphone video posted on the Internet.
This kind of public scrutiny is all to the good, given the damage police brutality has done to African-American communities for generations and the corrosive effect it has on the broader society. Yet the peeling away of secrecy on these indisputably unconstitutional practices is now being challenged by politicians who want to soft-pedal or even ignore police misconduct while attacking the people who expose it or raise their voices in protest against it. This trend is like something straight out of Orwell.
As if to underscore the point, yesterday it was announced that a South Carolina cop who panic-executed a teenager in his car at point-blank range
won't face charges, nor will the merry-prankster second officer who knelt over the young man's dead body and gave it a high-five. Now everybody please be good little sheeple and forget it ever happened.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Presidential candidate John Kasich asks: “Do you know how crazy this election is?"
Eleven.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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Harvard Law Class of '91.
CHEERS to the elititiest elites in Elitesville. On October 28, 1636,
Harvard University was founded in Cambridge, Massachusetts "by vote of the Great and General Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony, and was named for its first benefactor, John Harvard of Charlestown." I'd like to take this opportunity to say: thanks, Harvard, for loaning America
Elizabeth Warren. And, just like your lawnmower, I'm sorry but you're not getting her back.
CHEERS to fighting the political opportunism virus. That Ebola-free nurse who was humiliated by Chris Christie after returning from a Doctors Without Borders assignment and being forced to live in a makeshift tent at Newark Airport because the governor wanted to stoke irrational fears of EBOLA!!! to score points with his base, is taking the loudmouth to court:
Attorneys for Kaci Hickox filed the federal civil rights lawsuit in Newark on Thursday. The suit also names former state health commissioner Mary O’Dowd and other health department employees. Hickox is seeking at least $250,000 in compensatory and punitive damages. […] “My liberty, my interests and consequently my civil rights were ignored because some ambitious governors saw an opportunity to use an age-old political tactic: fear,” Hickox said in a statement.
Responded Christie: "Gee, she says that like it's a
bad thing."
JEERS to watching one too many chop-socky flicks. In the northern California town of Anderson, the police department is sending its officers out on patrol with a new weapon: nunchucks. Some people say it won’t be effective because the cops aren't getting enough training to master them. I think they're wrong. As anyone who grew up with a cocky older brother who erroneously thought he was Bruce Lee knows, nothing is scarier than someone running towards you with a pair of nunchucks yelling, "I don’t know how to use these!"
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 28, 2005
CHEERS to a fresh pair of stockings. Last year the Red Sox broke their 86-year losing streak. Last night the White Sox broke their 88-year losing streak, trouncing with merciless cruelty the hopelessly unprepared and outgunned Houston Astros...um...1-0. Party on, Chicago.
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And just one more…
JEERS to losing a dependable seat. We're sad this morning, because what we lost last night was very close to us. It was a seat in our district. A very progressive district. We connected on a daily basis, and the support we were given was dependable and unwavering. If I were to fill out a comment card I would write: "Always there for us, in brightest day and darkest night." Dressed in a stylish blue skirt and always welcoming a chance to squeeze our cheeks, we were treated like family. And now...gone. Kicked out. Booted. Relegated to the scrapheap of history...a lot of water having flowed under the proverbial bridge. And so this morning we say farewell to our trusty Kohler toilet seat, and welcome the new one---a Church brand from Lowe's---which we hope we can count on just as much to carry our weight into a new era. The seat is dead. Long live the seat!
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine Is A Idiot, Says Joe Biden And Everyone Else
---Wonkette
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