When it comes to Republican presidential candidate silliness, it doesn’t get any better than this. (Oh wait, unless you’re talking about this.) After the recent on-stage mayhem, the GOP presidential candidates are trying to get control of the debate formats. Now multiple campaigns are getting into details like the temperature of the venue— which shall henceforth be a crisp sixty-seven degrees Fahrenheit.
Besides appropriate temperatures, the definition of a "gotcha" question seems to be expanding to include questions about policy and foreign affairs. (You know, things a president should kinda’ sorta know some things about.) I agree that the candidates shouldn’t be hit with unfair questions by the moderators, but in their quest to eliminate the liberal "mainstream media," they want a campaign event, not a debate.
Meanwhile, Jeb Bush would be happy if he could just talk about his fantasy football league for an hour or so. (Poor guy, his brother got to own a real live team but Jeb(!) has to brag about his imaginary team in front of an audience of 14 million.) No matter the moderator or ambient room temperature, the mutually-parasitic relationship between the candidates and the network hosting the debate will continue to entertain and disgust.
[tv or movie trailer]
Narrator: Coming soon, to an American sixty-seven degree farenheit multi-podiumed broadcast venue . . .
Goodbye liberal media, hello . . . Real Republican Debate.
A new kind of debate, for a new kind of candidate.
See the candidates answer real, important questions like:
Moderator Female: This one is for Mr. Trump. What is it like to be such a dynamic success and charismatic billionaire?
Moderator Male: Dr. Carson, what goes through your mind when you save a life? Take as much time as you like, we’re in awe.
Moderator Female: Senator Cruz, please explain the wonders of unfettered capitalism. We’ll roll your pre-approved graphics now.
Moderator Male: Senator Rubio, please, if you will . . . give us a warm feeling in our loins about how you will save the Republican party and by extension, America.
Moderator Female: This one’s for Carly Fiorina. As a woman, tell us how amazing you are.
Moderator Male: And for Governor Bush . . . just tell us whatever you want, for as long as you can— you’ve earned it!
Narrator: Tune in for these questions and more, in America’s first Real Republican Debate!
(A product of Real Republican Chaos, negotiated among fifteen candidates, forty-five attorneys, eight networks, seventy-five handlers and countless presidents rolling over in their graves.)