GOOD MORNING NEW HAMPSHIRE. Good morning Manchester, good morning Nashua, good morning Concord, and you too Laconia. It’s primary Tuesday and we can see you got out early. Any plans for the rest of the day? By the way, good evening Millsfield, Hart’s Landing, and Dixville Notch. We know you always start gettin’ busy with the ballots at midnight – and finish, like, 5 minutes later , just so you could be first to report in, be counted, and possibly get a littl hoity toity about the achievement. Who do you think you are, Iowa?
OK, perhaps that was a little harsh. They say a lot of this early, early, early voting started to accomodate railroad workers before they headed out. Can you imagine that? Republicans actually wanting to make it easier for people to vote?
Anyway, if you’ve got little planned, how about throwing in a little reading. See, 13 years ago, just before one of your earlier primaries, I got it in my head to knock out a bit about it for the CBS Late Show. You remember that primary don’t you? OK, like me I have no doubt you also had to look it up – and we here in Texas actually had a Governor who won the whole shebang, with nary a hanging chad in sight that time.
You got to meet Kerry and Edwards, General Clark, that bundle of energy from nextdoor, Howard Dean. A lot of us kept wondering after all that mishegas in Florida, whether Al Gore would give it another shot. With a sitting president, no action on the Republican side –although this year the GOP is giving us all the gore we can handle, whether or not it actually exists.
We knew the sketch would never be considered for air, because I’d never seen
Letterman do a bit that long. Spread out over three days, because I just hate to throw away material – much like, I think Marco Rubio? Plus, who knew if anything those guys did was ever scripted – again like Rubio.
Actually, our little screenwriters group decided I had the “voices”, as they say, down pretty good – or as I believe you’d put it, fair to middlin’. But for 13 years, frankly, I’ve had nothing else to do with it. (You already know, I hate to throw away material).
So since the premise was built around not only your primary, but one of your cherished landmarks, that I bet you’ll miss a lot more than Carli Fiorina or Mike Huckabee – I thought I’d foist it off on you.
Have a gander, or a loon, or whatever the hell you’ve got floating around, because as Woody Allen once observed, we all need the eggs. I guessing the thing that might strike you most, is the same that hit me – it’s only been 13 years, and how many of the off screen “participants” are now dead.
THE Old Man of the Mountain New Hampshire Primary Sketch Jan. 7, 8,9 Roger Burke
Day 1 —David, Stephanie, Art, Paul
(All at Dave’s Desk)
Dave: David, Stephanie, Art, Paul Well it’s a big week up there in New Hampshire. All the presidential candidates hounding everybody for their votes. Now, one of the things we’ve noticed -- and correct me if I’m wrong – nobody actually wants to do anything for New Hampshire. They keep talking about “change.” Well the only change since the last group of these humps trudged up their four years ago, is the state symbol. That natural rock formation, The Old Man of the Mountain –slid down the side of the cliff, and, well it just isn’t there anymore. Here, I think we have the before and
after photos.
DISPLAYS SEPARATE PHOTOS SIDE BY SIDE.
Here’s what it looked like originally… and here’s what it looks like now. Tons of granite just vanished. Pile of gravel.
Paul: I’m assuming not to be confused with Senator Gravel who’s up their running for president.
Dave: Well, Gravel probably does have piles. He’s older than dirt, and those concrete benches are damned cold in Alaska. Either way, nobody’s seen that much mass disappear so quickly since … well…since Oprah. I mean, they’re all running around hoping for a landslide tomorrow. But they’ve already had a landslide four years, and nobody’s doin’ squat about it.
Paul: Didn’t Giuliani say they should try duct tape?
Dave: As a matter of fact, we’ve got a shot of what that would have looked like.
DISPLAYS, DOCTORED PHOTO: OLD MAN OF THE MOUNTAIN
PROFILE COMPLETELY WRAPPED IN DUCT TAPE.
(DAVE CONTINUES)
Dave: Well, clearly that’s unsatisfactory. So I thought we’d dial up my assistant Stephanie -- who is actually from New Hampshire -- to see if she’s heard any other suggestions from the candidates we may have missed.. (DIALS, PHONE RINGS) It’s ringing.
Art: (ART ANSWERS) The Late Show.
Dave: Art? This is Dave. I’m wondering if you can ring Stephanie for me. We want to ask her if any of those guys in New Hampshire are going to do anything about the collapse of the Old Man of the Mountain. Did you hear anything about that?
Art: Well, no, we’ve been kinda busy.
Dave: Great. Four years…half a mountain disappears…and the Late Show staff is too busy to notice. Good to talk with you Art, can you put Stephanie on?
Art: Sure Dave. (ART RINGS STEPHANIE)
Stephanie: (STEPHANIE PICKS UP) Hello.
Dave: Hi Stephanie, this is Dave downstairs in the theater.
Stephanie: Hi Dave.
Dave: Now Monty, you’re originally from New Hampshire, aren’t you? The Green Mountain State.
Stephanie: Well, yes, Dave. But it’s not the Green Mountain State. I think that’s Vermont.
Dave: No, I’m pretty sure it’s New Hampshire. They have mountains. Some of them are green. We all learned that in school.
Stephanie: No Dave. It’s Vermont. I’m sure.
Dave: O.K. But, I think you’ll have to agree Vermont and New Hampshire are both extremely sim-u-lar as we used to say in Indiana.
Stephanie: O…K…
Dave: Now Stephanie, I’m calling you because it’s been almost two elections up there in New Hampshire and, still, not one of these candidates actually gives a rat’s ass about your Green Mountain State.
Stephanie: It’s not the Green Mountain state. That’s Vermont.
Dave: OK, look, if Vermont is the Green Mountain state, then what’s New Hampshire?
Stephanie: I think it’s the Granite State.
Dave: Now, let me ask you. If your New Hampshire is the Granite State, what else should we know about it? Like, what’s the state capital?
Stephanie: Concord.
Dave: And what’s the state motto? Does the state have a motto, a slogan?
Stephanie: “Live free or die?”
Dave: What?
Stephanie: “Live free or die”…Dave. It’s on the license plates.
Dave: That’s right, “Live free or die.” Now Monty, what exactly do you think that means?
Stephanie: (SOMEWHAT PERPLEXED) Well I guess if you can’t live free …you might as well be dead. I don’t know.
Dave: That’s certainly kind of an extreme choice isn’t it? Now Monty, I just thought of something. You said the slogan “Live free or die” is on the license plates.
Stephanie: Yes.
Dave: Where do you think they make the license plates?
Stephanie: I don’t know.
Dave: Just take a guess.
Stephanie: In prison?
Dave: Right. Now, Stephanie, if you were doing 20-to-life in a prison license plate shop, can you think of a more depressing slogan to have to keep hammering out day after day than “Live free or die?”
Stephanie: No.
Dave: I guess life in general is pretty tough up there in New Hampshire. For example, you’ve got those quarries. I’m guessing a typical breakfast would be something like maple syrup on a slab of marble. Is that about right?
Stephanie: Dave, I don’t know…. I don’t even live there anymore.
Dave: Monty, Monty, Monty. I know you don’t live there anymore. You’re in Connecticut like me, right? If I’m not mistaken we’re the Urban Outfitters State.
Stephanie: I don’t knowwwwwww.
Dave: I can see you’re not gonna be a lot of help, and we’ve run out of time. Look, I think we need to actually send somebody up to New Hampshire to get to the bottom of this. Tomorrow’s the election…they shouldn’t be too busy. Thanks Monty. OK, everybody else c’mon back for tonight’s Top Ten.
End Day 1
DAY 2 — David, Biff, Art, Stephanie, Paul
Dave: (AT DESK) OK, as you know, they’ve been up there voting all day in New Hampshire.
And if you were watching last night, you know we were lamenting the fact that the state symbol -- The Old Man of the Mountain – has been a pile of rubble since the last election. So we sent our stage manager Biff Henderson up there. We asked him to find out why not a single one of these candidates has any kind of a plan to put it back together. Now before we hook up with Biff, we have assembled some interesting facts about the Old Man of the Mountain. (READS)
“Geologists think the Old Man was formed sometime between 6,000 BC and 17-hundred BC, when the glacial ice cap receded. Now the…(looks concerned).”
Wait a minute. That’s, what? Over 4,000 years? They couldn’t narrow it down any closer than that? Heck, I could guess that? What are they saying? “The mountain grew a face around 4,000 B.C. – with a margin of error of plus or minus 2,000 years?”
Paul: (INTERRUPTS, EXPLAINS) Well Dave, I think they mean it was formed over a period of time. If I know anything about glaciers, they recede rather slowly.
Dave: Yeah, but 4,000 years? Wait. I see another fact. It says here (READS)
“The profile is – or I should say was – 40 feet high and
25 feet wide. It was located in Franconia Notch State Park,
12-hundred feet above Profile Lake.”
Now isn’t that interesting Paul. You’ve got a lake called Profile Lake, and over a period of about 4,000 years, a natural rock formation in the shape of a profile forms directly above it? What are the chances of something like that happening?
Paul: I think they named the lake after they decided the mountain looked like a profile.
Dave: (THINKS) You know, you very well might be right. That certainly clears up a lot of the mystery. There was one other interesting fact:
“The nickname for The Old Man of the Mountain is
The Great Stone Face.”
Paul: Dave, really aren’t those both nicknames? Old Man of the Mountain? Great Stone Face? I mean neither one of those is actually a name.
Dave: Now that you mention it Paul, here’s another little-known fact.
“The Old Man of the Mountain’s actual real name is…Kenny.”
Well, these are the kinds of mysteries we sent our stage manager Biff Henderson on a fact-finding expedition up to Franconia Notch State Park in New Hampshire to uncover.
I believe we have Biff live-via-satellite with a pretty good view of what’s left of the Old Man of Mountain. And just to be sure our facts are right, we have my assistant Stephanie Birkitt -- originally from New Hampshire -- on the phone upstairs. (DAVE PICKS UP THE PHONE) Stephanie, are you there?
Stephanie: I’m here Dave.
Dave: Biff, can you hear me? How are you doing up there?
SPLIT SCREEN
ADD EXTERIOR MEDIUM SHOT OF BIFF IN A PARKA & GLOVES, HOLDING MIC. PINE OR OTHER EVERGREEN TREES BEHIND HIM. THERE ARE PERIODIC GUSTS OF SNOW. WE CUT BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN BIFF AND DAVE IN STUDIO, WITH STEPHANIE ON THE PHONE UPSTAIRS.
Biff: Hear you loud and clear, Dave. We’re OK, but it’s kind of cold.
Dave: Biff, now I guess from where you are, you’ve got a pretty good view of the Old Man of the Mountain.
Biff: No I don’t.
Dave: (DOES A TAKE) Well, I know that, because it isn’t there anymore. It slid down the cliff. What I mean is how does what’s left of the formation compare now with what it looked like when, say, Stephanie visited to see it as a kid?
Stephanie: (INTERRUPTS) Dave. Dave? I never actually went to the Old Man of the Mountain. I’ve only seen it in pictures… and on the license plates.
Dave: Stephanie, everybody’s seen pictures of it. You mean to tell me that you’re from New Hampshire, and you had never visited this famous national tourist attraction? How can that be possible?
Stephanie: Nobody took me. We didn’t think it was important
Dave: Why didn’t you want to go see the Old Man of the Mountain?
Stephanie: Well, it’s just…rocks.
Dave: (REACTS) Just rocks! Actually, you’re sort of right. I drove to New Hampshire once. When you cross the border, there’s a sign: “Caution: Falling Rocks.” That’s it! One sign. For the rest of the state they figure that’s warning enough.
Stephanie: You really drove to New Hampshire?
Dave: Yes, I did. Why is that so hard for you to believe? We were antiquing. A lot of people don’t realize one of the principal industries in New Hampshire is basically just never actually throwing anything away.
Stephanie: All right….
Dave: Now let’s see if we can go back up to Biff.
BIFF, SAME EXTERIOR AS ABOVE
Now Biff, have you unearthed any new facts about the Old Man of the Mountain?
For example, we’ve been told it’s ironic the Old Man collapsed, because several of the veins of granite were actually scheduled for a quadruple bypass. (BEAT) But even then he’d be out for at least a month, and they’d have to use “guest” Old Men of the Mountain to fill in. I think they had already spoken with Regis.
ABSOLUTELY NO REACTION FROM BIFF HENDERSON. HE’S JUST COLD (GLOVED HANDS WARMING UNDER ARMPITS).
Dave: Alright, Biff. From what you can see up there now, do you see any reason why at least one of these genius presidential candidates couldn’t come up with a federal program to put the Old Man back together again -- like in the nursery rhyme?
Biff: Dave, I think that was Humpty Dumpty.
Dave: Let’s not quibble. From your vantage point up there, what can you see of the side of the cliff where the Old Man of the Mountain used to be?
Biff: (LOOKS OF INTO THE DISTANCE) I can’t see that far.
Dave: What do you mean you can’t see that far? You must be up pretty high. What’s your altitude?
Biff: I don’t know, 300 feet?
Dave: Oh, so you’re not up very high at all. I guess you need to look up to see Franconia Notch. Try that. What do you see now?
Biff: (LOOKS) Office buildings.
Dave: What do you mean office buildings? Must be pretty clear up there, they’ve got to be quite a distance away. Right?
Biff: They’re not that far.
Dave: OK, what else can you see?
Stephanie: (HALF ANSWER, HALF QUESTION) Broadway?
Dave: Broadway? How can you see Broadway?
Biff: It’s not that far.
Dave: What are you talking about? New Hampshire’s a good 5-6 hours away.
Biff: Yes, but we’re not in New Hampshire. We’re up here on the roof.
CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL BIFF ON THE ROOF OF THE THEATER. A FEW PINE TREES IN BUCKETS ARE BEHIND HIM TO CREATE THE ILLUSION OF FRANCONIA NOTCH. FURTHER PULLBACK, WE SEE THE WHOLE ROOF WITH CAMERA CREW. TONY MENDEZ HOLDS CUE CARDS TO THE SIDE OF THE CAMERA. A LARGE FLOOR FAN BLOWS SOAP FLAKES TO CREATE THE ILLUSION OF SNOW GUSTS.
Dave: Oh, that’s right, I forgot. We didn’t have it in the budget. I’m terribly sorry, I think we owe some kind of apology to the viewers at home.
O.K. I guess we’re out of time. Once again the early returns are in from Dixville Notch – they have many, many notches up there. And once again, the winner seems to be, uh, “Undecided.” O.K. Biff, drink lots of fluids. We’ll be back with tonight’s Top Ten list.
End Day 2
(All at Dave’s Desk)
Dave: Ladies and gentlemen, we have some rather interesting news out of New Hampshire that developed as a result of last night’s show. No I’m not talking about the election results. You already know those.
But if you’ve been watching the past two days, you saw me complaining to my assistant Stephanie -- who is from New Hampshire-- that, not one of the people up their asking for votes has said diddly about what he’s going to do to restore The Old Man of the Mountain if he gets elected president.
Let me see, I think we have some photos here. For -- well for millennia – The Old Man of the Mountain looked like thi
DISPLAYS PHOTO OF INTACT OLD MAN OF THE MOUNTAIN.
And after the collapse, it looked like this
DISPLAYS PHOTO OF THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN – NOT A TRACE OF THE PROFILE LEFT.
Now, I think you’ll agree this was a terrible loss. Fortunately, last night we went to the enormous expense of sending our Biff Henderson all the way up onto the roof of our Ed Sullivan Theater – to pretend he was in New Hampshire. Must have struck a nerve. Do we have a shot of that?
UNIMPRESSIVE WIDE SHOT PHOTO OF BIFFAND CREW ON ROOF.
Now, as you know, because of the writers strike, all the networks are trying to fill their schedules with what they call “reality” programming. And, as the result of last night’s show, we received a call from our friends over at ABC. They’ve decided to bring back that “Extreme Makeover” program.
If you’ll remember, that’s the one where they round up a bunch of women who – well, they’re unhappy about how they look. And the network brings in plastic surgeons and heavy construction equipment to give them facelifts and liposuction and breast implants so -- well, so they can get dates. How many of you watched that “Extreme Makeover” show? (SOME APPLAUSE)
So, we suggested that ABC have their plastic surgeons take on The Old Man of the Mountain for their first “extreme makeover.” And none too soon I might add. Because when the old man fell down the mountain, I understand he also broke a hip. Other than that, the job’s gonna be mostly cosmetic
Basically they’re going to use all the cellulite they removed from a woman in New Jersey. And just under the wire, they submitted several plastic surgery options for the people of New Hampshire to select from on their presidential primary ballots.
Those returns aren’t in yet, so we thought we’d run some of the surgical makeover possibilities by my assistant Stephanie – who is from New Hampshire – to see if we can help the New Hampshire voters make an informed decision.
DIALS, PHONE RINGS
Art: (ART ANSWERS) The Late Show.
Dave: Hello Art, this is Dave, how is everything?
Art: Not too bad Dave.
Dave: Art, can you get Stephanie on the phone for me.
Art: Sure. Nice to talk to you Dave. (PHONE RINGS)
Stephanie: (STEPHANIE ANSWERS) Hello.
Dave: Hi Stephanie, this is Dave down in the theater. If you’ve been watching, you know the “Extreme Makeover” people want to help restore The Old Man of the Mountain. Have you ever seen that show?
Stephanie: No.
Dave: Well, simply put, they found women who hated the way they looked, and they used
backhoes and other heavy construction equipment to change their appearance, so they could have sex. I think we can illustrate it better with this clip from one of the “Extreme Makeover” programs. Can we run that now?
CLIP OF ELSA LANCHESTER BEING ASSEMBLED ON LAB TABLE IN “BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN”
Stephanie: It looks horrible.
Dave: Right. Anyway, the network sent us some computer-generated photos of what the Old Man of the Mountain might look like with different makeovers. And being from New Hampshire, the Green Mountain State, we like to get your opinion.
Stephanie: Daaaaave…I told you Monday, it’s the Granite state.
Dave: OK, granite, whatever. Now here’s the first makeover photo. Can we zoom in on this?
DISPLAYS DOCTORED PHOTO WITH PROFILE OF
JOHN KERRY SUPERIMPOSED ON THE CLIFF.
Can you see that Stephanie?
Stephanie: Yes I can.
Dave: And who does that look like to you?
Stephanie: Senator Kerry?
Dave: You couldn’t be more correct. Now I’m going to hold up the shot of the original Old Man of the Mountain beside it for comparison.
DISPLAYS ORIGINAL NEXT TO KERRY PHOTO.
I ask you, isn’t that an uncanny resemblance? Four years ago, New Hampshire could have voted for the guy twice – once for president, and once to put his face on the mountain. Now here’s the second plastic surgery option they sent over:
DISPLAYS DOCTORED PHOTO WITH PROFILE OF JOAN RIVERS SUPERIMPOSED ON CLIFF.
O.K., Stephanie, what do you think?
Stephanie: I think it looks like Joan Rivers.
Dave: Good. In fact, I understand they plan to use the same procedure they actually used on Joan Rivers. You got mountains, you got Rivers… I mean, what could be more natural?
Stephanie: O…K….
Dave: Now, here’s the next choice:
DISPLAYS DOCTORED PHOTO WITH PROFILEOF CHER SUPERIMPOSED ON CLIFF.
Stephanie: Cher?
Dave: I think so. I might add, another procedure that’s been done dozens of times – so there’s very little chance of anything going wrong. Now I believe we have another possibility:
DISPLAYS DOCTORED PHOTO WITH PROFILE OF MICHAEL JACKSON --IN SURGICAL MASK—
SUPERIMPOSED ON CLIFF
There apparently are enough leftover pieces of the actual Michael Jackson to fully complete the restoration. Unless, of course, you wanted to add a feature or two.
DISPLAYS DOCTORED PHOTO: JACKSON DANGLING BABY OVER THE SIDE OF THE CLIFF.
Here’s another popular suggestion.
DISPLAYS DOCTORED PHOTO WITH PROFILE OF MARTIN SHEEN SUPERIMPOSED ON CLIFF.
I think that’s Martin Sheen. Stephanie, correct me if I’m wrong, wasn’t he governor of New
Hampshire before he became president on that “West Wing” deal?
Stephanie: I think so. But he wasn’t really the governor.
Dave: Oh yeah, like Martin Sheen doesn’t really think he’s the president.
And finally, the folks at ABC have offered -- I guess you’d call it their piece de resistance. Their ultimate extreme makeover suggestion for the Old Man of the Mountain:
DISPLAYS DOCTORED PHOTO OF MT. RUSHMORE nWITH FACES OF THE 60 MINUTES CAST SUPERIMPOSED OVER THE 4 PRESIDENTS: MIKE WALLACE, MORLEY SAFER, BOB SIMON, AND ANDY ROONEY.
You want old man of the mountain -- CBS can give you four. We’ll be back with tonight’s top 10 list.
End Sketch