The National EnquiraBlue Nation Review reports this morning that the so-called “adorable” unscripted moment when that cute little birdie flew to Bernie Sanders’s lectern and posed with him was a “stunt by the Sanders campaign”.
Speaking anonymously from an undisclosed location in Brooklyn, a man calling himself “Bayvid Drock” said he had inside information how the trick was pulled: “I’m not saying it was CGI, but I’m not saying it wasn’t CGI. Or animatronics. We’ve had ornithologists analyze the video, and they said the so-called ‘bird’ exhibited behaviors and flight mechanics never before observed in the animal kingdom. It was in all likelihood a drone with feathers glued to it.”
Other experts agreed, pointing to the fact that while birds have evolved to positions closer to Sanders on global warming and free trade agreements, they have also evolved a healthy fear of human beings after being systemically slaughtered by them for millions of years.
“What kind of bird would fly there and just chill with a scary old extremist guy?” said the oddly familiar voice by telephone to NEBNR of obscure but respected animal behaviorologist “Dr. Klill Binton”, “Just more of the crazy idealism so typical of Bernie Sanders. So unrealistic, amirite? Life is not a Disney movie. As I said to Hillary and Chelsea when I saw the video, it’s a sham. It’s got Tad Devine’s grubby little fingerprints all over it. Also single-payer is an illusion free stuff is bad...”
At this point the esteemed scientist abruptly hung up. But other experts were quick to join in the chorus of questioning in the controversy that is now being called BIRDIE-GATE 2016.
“I have it on solid authority that the campaign placard, the podium, the microphone and Bernie’s clothing were all made of 100% birdseed,” said a strange-looking man in an ill-fitting wig calling himself Shebby Dawserman-Woltz. “And that bottle of water? SUGAR-water, irresistible to cute little birdies. Probably laced with legalized marijuana and free college tuition the Wall Street Journal says would cost 98554679345 gajillion dollars to fund. I hope that little bird likes 5,000% tax hikes!”
Both the Clinton campaign and the DNC refused to comment, deferring to the police investigation.
Noted bird imitator and occasional television babbler Chris Matthews called on Sanders to suspend his campaign until the facts could be made clear: “Clinton is inevitable, she’s ahead by like a billion delegates to 1, if my numbers are right. But come on. Would America really vote for a cheap magician who wants us to believe he controls nature itself? A vote for whatshisname is a vote for Trump!”
Reached by carrier pigeon, Bernie Sanders issued a statement of whale whistles and owl cries that interpreters said translated roughly as “The claims of the corporate media machine are false, and we welcome any investigation. It will show that we did not train that drone I mean bird”.
GAME OVER! Wake UP SHEEPLE!