From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: The Circus Continues
"House Speaker Paul Ryan this afternoon issued a formal statement ruling himself out as a potential replacement candidate if there is a contested Republican convention. You know things are bad in the Republican Party when people who aren’t even running are dropping out of the race."
---Seth Meyers
"After losing in Wisconsin, there has been a big shakeup in the Trump campaign staff. The guy in charge of racist comments is now in charge of sexist comments."
---Conan O'Brien
"[Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump] are both on medications. Hillary is on blood thinners and Trump is on skin thinners."
---Bill Maher
"In 2004 Ted Cruz fought to preserve a law that banned the sale of dildos in Texas. This really gets me. It's such a shame to see dildos persecuted and marginalized by one of their own."
---Larry Wilmore
"Bernie Sanders said on Friday that his goal for financial reform is to ‘make banking boring again.’ I think I speak for all Americans when I say, let’s just make elections boring again."
---Jimmy Fallon
And one year ago:
"Rand Paul announced that he's running for president, and his slogan will be, 'Defeat the Washington machine, unleash the American dream.' Which is a lot better than Jeb Bush's slogan: 'Buy two Bushes, get one free.'"
---Michael Che, SNL
Please clap.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 15, 2016
Note: If you have a hundred cans of chunky soup, leave a hundred cans of chunky soup. If you need a hundred cans of chunky soup, tough…they're mine. ---Ted Cruz
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Queen Elizabeth II's 90th birthday: 6
Days 'til the Nihon Matsuri Japan Festival in Salt Lake City: 15
Percent of Americans who file their taxes between April 1 and Tax Day (April 18 this year): 34%
Number of planned jobs that won’t be added to Deutsche Bank's employment rolls in North Carolina out of protest against the anti-LGBT law passed there two weeks ago: 250
Distance of the Alpha Centauri star system from ours: 4.37 light years
Starting amount being pledged by Stephen Hawking and Yuri Milner to a project that will send tiny space-travel nanocraft there to search for signs of life, conquer them, and take their oil: $100 million
Minimum number of people around the world who eat bugs, according to the U.N. Food & Agriculture Organization: 2 billion
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
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CHEERS to the Brooklyn dodgers. Mission Critical last night at the Democratic debate was to avoid direct hits by the opposing candidate as well as sneak attacks from the wings by Jim Webb. If you missed it, here's the transcript of the Bernie v. Hillary event as best as I can remember it:
"You always…You never…You should…You shouldn't…You can't…Why can't you…Why don’t you…You didn't…You did…You weren't…You haven't…I did…I didn't…I was…I have…I said…I didn’t say…I always…I never…we must…we can't…we didn’t…we haven't…we shouldn't…we should… And in conclusion, I always loved you best, New York, so vote for me!"
I'm totally supporting the candidate I wasn’t supporting before last night. If only I could remember which one it was.
CHEERS to workin' stiffs. Man, those employment forecasters sure are sucking at their jobs lately. Reuters polled a bunch of ‘em, who predicted 270,000 unemployment claims would be filed this week. Bzzzt! Try again:
The number of Americans filing for unemployment benefits unexpectedly fell last week, revisiting a level last seen in 1973 as the labor market continues to strengthen despite a sluggish economy.
Initial claims for state unemployment benefits decreased 13,000 to a seasonally adjusted 253,000 for the week ended April 9, the Labor Department said on Thursday. That matched the level for early March, which was the lowest since November 1973.
Jobless claims have now been below 300,000, a threshold associated with healthy labor market conditions, for 58 weeks, the longest stretch since 1973.
We're rapidly running out of opportunities to say this while he's still in office, so I'll grab every chance I can get: Thanks, Obama!
CHEERS to the calm before the storms. Atlantic hurricane season starts in 47 days, and the meteorological elves at Colorado State University are out with their 2016 forecast (pdf). They're predicting an average year: twelve named storms and five hurricanes...two of them major. But more important, check to see if your name is on the 2016 storm list:
Alex, Bonnie, Colin,
Danielle, Earl, Fiona,
Gaston, Hermine, Ian,
Julia, Karl, Lisa,
Matthew, Nicole, Otto,
Paula, Richard, Shary, Tobias,
Virginie and Walter.
Any storms after that will be named Angry God I, Angry God II, Angry God III, and etcetera.
You'll notice that Alex is already crossed off the list. Here's why: that storm blew through the Azores a few months ago---the first January Atlantic hurricane in 78 years. Crazy. oh, and don’t forget: if a hurricane with your name on it causes any damage, it's up to you to pay for it. Don’t blame me. I don’t make the rules, I just---[pats baseball bat]---enforce them.
JEERS to the unsinkable ship---the one over there that's in the process of sinking, I mean. Speaking of aquatic disasters, 104 years ago this morning the Titanic plunged to the icy depths of the Atlantic after getting its side split open by an iceberg. (Photos of the rescue here.) In an act that seems equal parts historic reverence and shameless chutzpah, a rich guy is building Titanic II. It's a faithful replica with a few modifications…like enough lifeboats:
Today the Titanic disaster seems an apt analogy for the Republican party: a once-proud icon thought to be invincible that, because of poor design, shoddy workmanship and an air of arrogance on the part of the people in charge sank itself because it wasn't looking where it was going and is now rusting away in the mud and you can't do anything with it but re-arrange the deck chairs.
CHEERS to getting your day in court. Finally…something that will make the death penis industry sweat a few bullets, if only small-caliber ones:
In a legal shot heard around the nation, a Superior Court judge ruled Thursday that a lawsuit by the families of the Sandy Hook Elementary School victims could proceed against the manufacturer of the military-style rifle used to kill the 20 first graders and six adults in December, 2012.
Judge Barbara Bellis ruled that the federal law shielding gun makers from liability does not override the “legal sufficiency” of the claims by the Sandy Hook families that the Bushmaster XM-15 used by Adam Lanza should never have been made available for sale to civilians. […]
Sachin Padya, professor of law at the University of Connecticut, said Thursday that Judge Bellis was reading the defendants’ argument as a motion to dismiss, not on the merits of the case but on whether she could hear it in the first place. “The judge is saying the defendants are wrong that the federal statute [shielding gun makers from lawsuits] strips the court of the power to hear the case,” Pandya said.
The leadership at the NRA plans to hold a press conference on the ruling just as soon as one of them is able to unclench their jaw.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you don’t have anything better to do this weekend---like, say, attend your local communist party meeting---you can share some intimate moments with the sacred socialist TV box. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Arianna Huffington, Amy Goodman, Mary Katherine Ham, Rick Tyler and Susan Sarandon (she got some splainin' to do). New DVD releases include the horror flick The Forest and not much else. If you feel like reliving the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings, tomorrow night HBO airs the "sturdy" Confirmation with Kerry Washington as Anita Hill. The hockey schedule is here. (Where is Boston? Why no Boston? WHAT HAPPENED TO BOSTON???!!! Oh. Right.) The NBA playoff schedule is here, and we're psyched to be able to add the baseball schedule back to our list for another season ----> here. SNL alum (1982-85) Julia Louis Dreyfus hosts SNL ahead of next weekend’s season premiere of Veep. Sunday on 60 Minutes: unscrupulous life insurance companies show how unscrupulous they can be and hackers show how they can break into damn near anything. (The one odd exception: snack vending machines.)
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Not sure. Possibly just Chuck Todd lobbing softball questions to Chuck Todd in a mirror.
This Week: Hillary!!! Bernie!!! Also: Trump and Cruz campaign delegate hunters Paul Manafort and the creepy Ken Cuccinelli.
Face the Nation: Bernie!!! Plus David Axelrod, GOP chair Reince Priebus (Hey, how's that rebranding going, pal?) and fresh CBS poll numbers from New York, Pennsylvania and California.
CNN's State of the Union: Bernie!!! Plus: John Kasich informs women they can avoid getting into unwanted sexytime with the drunk menfolk by holding an aspirin between their knees; Reince Priebus does that Priebus thing he does.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: NIAID head Dr. Anthony Fauci has the latest on the Zika virus; Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski tries to make it through his interview without crushing anyone’s ulna.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 15, 2006
CHEERS to conservatives without conscience. No, really...that's the name of John Dean's next book, due July 11: Conservatives Without Conscience. The funny part is, Bush has become so irrelevant that he's not one of the seven ugly Republican mugs on the cover. I'm sure Scott McClellan will whine about that at a future press gaggle.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the Baby Blue Cherub. Everybody stop by and say "Heh indeedy" to Atrios (aka millstone-around-Philadelphia's-neck Duncan Black) Sunday on the 14th anniversary of his Eschaton blog. Few dirty fucking hippies can reduce the traditional media and punditry's wankery to one or two lines of cool-as-a-cucumber snark like this communist peacenik can. He was especially ahead of the curve on the economic meltdown and the Iraq debacle, and he led the charge to expand Social Security, a movement with some real traction these days. Besides that, his is a classic, old-fashioned blog that looks the same as it did during the Dark Times of 2002 (although he happily embraced the twitter revolution early on). By the way, this was the moment on April 17, 2002 when he flicked the switch for the first time:
Still is. And if it ever shuts down, civilization is doomed.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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