I have been disappointed in this community the last couple of days. I see that we continue to struggle with the notion that ANYONE can be a sexual harasser, rapist, molester or general asshole. We continue to struggle with the idea that sexual violence and harassment can occur in any environment. That situations can and are fluid and complicated.
Prior consent is not a free pass to all future acts.
We still struggle with the notion of a “perfect victim” and “acceptable parameters” for us to classify certain acts BAD and others questionable.
We still live with this idea that a “true” victim is a pretty, blonde white woman/girl on her way to church, dressed in her Sunday best who attacked by a stranger dragging her into the bushes kicking and screaming.
People who abuse others come in all shapes and sizes. They are every age, ethnicity, economy range, religion, sex and political persuasion.
We especially struggle with how to deal with accusations against people we like or admire.
Either we believe people or we don’t. The pattern seems to be that those who come forward can expect for every life decision, job or affiliation will be scrutinized to the nth degree.
Those accused will have their defenders who are more than willing to wave away bad acts with every good act they have done since they were in the Scouts.
“He/She is church going. They vote the right way. They champion causes I like. They are nice to their wife/husband. I have never seen them do x or treat me like y.”
None of that matters. People can be both a church goer and a child molester. People can vote on progressive legislation and have a problematic relationship with women. People can be stars of their fields and still be rapist. None of that matters.
I didn’t tell once. I told a few times throughout my life. I told when I was 8 or 9. I told when I was a teenager. I told when I was a young adult. And every step of the way, there was someone to say...BUT he is x. There was ALWAYS someone. At sentencing, his fellow church goers wrote letters in support of leniency of his sentence. This was after a trial where there was a diary he kept that detailed the sexual acts he forced upon children and rated how good they were at it.
We can both be disappointed and condemn bad behavior on our side. We can approach situations with nuance and appropriate reaction. Not all situations call for the same outrage but bad behavior is bad behavior.
We can not become again the community that questions evidence staring us in the face. The community that will twist itself into knots tearing apart those who come forward because we don’t like what we are hearing. We can say this is bad without adding but look over there.
I’m sure there will be other accusations that will disappoint you. How we react will determine what our values really are? Are we really interested in cleaning up sexual harassment, rape and child abuse? Are we willing to support those who come forward? Or are we only willing to support those who accuse people who we have pre-determined to be the bad guy?
I hope we do better. I’m disappointed.