From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: First Edition of Summer Edition
"Summer starts today! Which used to mean news would slow to a trickle, padded out by gratuitous T&A reports from the beach and stories about skunks with their heads stuck in peanut butter jars. Oh, I miss those days."
---Samantha Bee
"Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell showed us a draft of his top-secret new health care legislation…and wouldn’t you know it, the bill includes a big tax cut for rich people. They're calling the plan 'Better Care.' As in, just imagine how much better this plan would be if the people who wrote it cared."
---Jimmy Kimmel
"The American Health Care Act---an act which answers the question, what if a bus-stop ad for a personal injury lawyer was a health care policy?"
---John Oliver
"We don’t know too much about what will be in the final [Trumpcare] bill because all of the negotiations so far have taken place behind closed doors. They even put a sock on the doorknob so no one barges in while they're screwing poor people. It's just polite."
---Stephen Colbert
"Today was National Vanilla Milkshake Day. Or as Mike Pence calls it: Spicy Tuesday!”
---Seth Meyers
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 23, 2017
Note: Abbreviated C&J schedule next week---Tuesday through Friday. After that, depending on how quickly the chemo residue is treating me (it's unexpectedly kicking my ass at the moment), we'll slide back into the five-day-a-week schedule. Thanks for your patience. ---The Patient
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Canada Day: 8
Days 'til the St. Louis Fair: 8
Expected year when the world's population will reach 10 Billion: 2050
Trumpcare approval in West Virginia and Alaska, respectively, according to PPP: 35%, 29%
Percent chance that "health care is a much more potent electoral issue for Democrats than the Russia stuff," according to PPP: 100%
Amount a jury awarded to Steven Hanes after a doctor removed the wrong testicle: $870,000
High-water mark for web searches about fidget spinners: 5/18/17
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Meet "The Dogist"…
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JEERS to taking a dump on America's doorstep. Yes, they really do think we're that stupid. Knowing full well that less than 20 percent of us approve of the toxic thing, Republicans reached between two bleached skulls in their secret catacomb mancave, plucked a money grab disguised as a health insurance overhaul on parchment with their crab-people pincers, and flung it into the sunlight for the briefest of public inspections. It’s as conscience-less as you'd expect, and they would be very much appreciative if we'd all suck on it. A certain Barack Hussein Obama begs to differ…
The Senate bill, unveiled today, is not a health care bill.
It’s a massive transfer of wealth from middle-class and poor families to the richest people in America. It hands enormous tax cuts to the rich and to the drug and insurance industries, paid for by cutting health care for everybody else. Those with private insurance will experience higher premiums and higher deductibles, with lower tax credits to help working families cover the costs, even as their plans might no longer cover pregnancy, mental health care, or expensive prescriptions. … Millions of families will lose coverage entirely.
Simply put, if there’s a chance you might get sick, get old, or start a family---this bill will do you harm. And small tweaks over the course of the next couple weeks, under the guise of making these bills easier to stomach, cannot change the fundamental meanness at the core of this legislation. […] To put the American people through that pain---while giving billionaires and corporations a massive tax cut in return---that’s tough to fathom. But it’s what’s at stake right now.
By my count, there are around nine Republican senators who may truly be "on the fence” (as opposed to just faking being on the fence): three who think it's too Draconian and six who don’t think it crushes minds, bodies and souls fast enough. Let's hope they meet our expectations for Republicans by not getting their shit together. Otherwise we'll have to rely on Chuck Schumer to pull some kind of stunt. So, yeah, let's hope Republicans don’t get their shit together.
CHEERS to getting served nice and hot. Remember that idiot who drove to a pizza place in D.C. and started shooting the place up because it was where he thought Hillary Clinton was operating a child sex ring? No, that wasn't your imagination, it really happened. And a judge just delivered Sir Idiot his order:
A US man who opened fired in a Washington DC pizza restaurant because of an online conspiracy theory has been sentenced to four years in prison.
Edgar Maddison Welch, 28, burst into Comet Ping Pong on 4 December 2016 armed with a rifle and pistol. He drove from North Carolina to pursue bogus claims that the restaurant was the nexus of a child sex ring linked to Hillary Clinton's inner circle. […]
James Alefantis, who owns the restaurant, testified in court that Welch's "physical terror" had "left lasting damage on the people I love." He added that he hopes that "one day in a more truthful time we will remember this day as an aberration" when "lies were seen as real and our social fabric had frayed," the Washington Post reported.
May Maddison get served cold pizza for the entire 1,462 days. With lots of crazy therapy on the side.
CHEERS to the Wise Latina. Happy birthday (and blessings on your camels) to Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who turns 63 Sunday. She'll mark her eighth year on the bench in August, and I think she's doing a helluva job. She's not John Roberts, who promised to be an impartial "umpire" but now walks every pro-business batter who shows up at the plate; or Clarence Thomas, the porn-addicted serial tax dodger with the foam-statue-of-liberty-crown-wearing tea party Stepford wife who's a walking conflict of interest; or Samuel Alito, the State of the Union mumble-grumbler who builds do-it-yourself underground star chambers in his spare time; or Neil Gorsuch, who never met a frozen-to-death man he didn’t love to throw the book at.
So, in honor of your birthday, Your Honor, we got you the best present we could think of: a summer off from sitting next to those weirdos starting next Tuesday.
CHEERS to 1-900-CLARENCETHOMAS. Hey, who's up for some SCOTUS hilarity! On this date in 1989, the Supreme Court refused to shut down the dial-a-porn industry, saying that indecent speech is not the same thing as obscenity, and is therefore protected. Interestingly, all the justices in the majority had cauliflower ears. Coincidence, I'm sure.
P.S. Clarence Thomas turns his favorite number---69---today. We hope you enjoyed your little, um, "present" we left on your Coke can this morning, sir. We all chipped in.
CHEERS to today's edition of Coulda Told You That. Courtesy of Forbes:
Today the consumer watchdog group World Against Toys Causing Harm called [Fidget spinners] one of the 10 most harmful and potentially lethal “summer safety traps"due to choking hazards.
Fidget spinners "are a huge craze right now," but the potential for harm is real, according to the Toy Association, the not-for-profit trade association representing U.S.businesses involved in toy manufacture and delivery. Predictably, fidget spinner "manufacturers and distributors are feeling the heat of the spotlight, as reports emerge that children are hurting themselves with these toys," he wrote in an informal advisory.
This has been today's edition of Coulda Told You That.
CHEERS to Things That Go Clackety-Clack for $200, Alex. On June 23, 1868, Christopher Latham Sholes received a patent for his "Type-writer," the first to have the famous QWERTY sequence on its upper keys. Today bloggers who can't think of anything for their subject line typically go south for the edgier and more mysterious "asdf." And the day someone decides to drop down to "zxcv"? Well, don’t tell anybody, but I believe that's the day the nukes leave the silos.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you need to head inside to beat the heat, here are a few odds and ends that might show up on your TV this weekend, starting tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow sifting through the Trumpcare wreckage. (Unless, of course, you'd prefer to watch the finale of RuPaul's Drag Race on VH1, which I may peek in on.) Then, on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Bradley Whitford, Charlie Sykes, Majid Nawaz (co-author of Islam and the Future of Tolerance: A Dialogue), Yahoo News' Bianna Golodryga, and one of the real pains in Trump's ass, former Bush ethics lawyer Richard Painter.
New home video releases include mostly crap, but the list is here if you want to check it out. The baseball schedule is here. (The Red Sox will send the Angels to baseball purgatory Ha Ha Ha!!!) On 60 Minutes: how artificial intelligence is taking over the planet, and baseball player Shohei Otani. Awards season continues Sunday night at 8 with the BET Awards (hosted by Leslie Jones) on, coincidentally I'm sure, BET. Then, sadly, HBO airs the season finales of Silicon Valley and Veep, although that means we're just that much closer to the July 16th premiere of GAME OF THRONES!!! And I'm sure on Last week Tonight John Oliver will have a thing or two to say about the Murray coal company lawsuit that was just filed against him for telling the truth.
Now, for shits and giggles, here's your Sunday morning lineup. No doubt the pillaging of Medicaid by the rich will be front and center this week. Let’s pull out our trusty Acme Democrat-to-Republican Ratio Analyzer to see just how lopsided the discussions will be:
Meet the Press: HHS ghoul Tom Price. Others TBA, likely 1 Democrat and 1 Republican senator. Democrat-to-Republican Ratio Analyzer: 1-2
This Week: Sens. Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Susan Collins (R-ME) and Rand Paul (R-KY); Propaganda Mistress Kellyanne Conway. Democrat-to-Republican Ratio Analyzer: 1-3
Face the Nation: Sens. Pat Toomey (R-PA), Joe Manchin (D-WV), and Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-LA); The Atlantic's Mark Bowden, author of the new report "How to Deal with North Korea"; Democrat-to-Republican Ratio Analyzer: 1-2
CNN's State of the Union: Health care ghoul Tom Price; Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); Gov. John Kasich (R-OH). Democrat-to-Republican Ratio Analyzer: 1-2
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: HHS ghoul Tom Price; Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and John Barrasso (R-WY). Democrat-to-Republican Ratio Analyzer: 1-2
Total Democrat-to-Republican Ratio: 5-11. No kidding. Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 23, 2007
JEERS to the pastry Nazis. Bangor International Airport is a frequent stop for troops returning from Iraq, and they've always been welcomed by local "Maine Troop Greeters" offering homemade "cookies, brownies, doughnuts, fudge, candy and even strawberries." Thanks to airport authorities, that practice has come to an abrupt end. Why? Because after enduring months of IED explosions, flying bullets, chaos, hysteria, blinding sandstorms, shattered limbs, shitty food, busted equipment, swarms of bugs, pestilence, dysentery, insufferable heat and horrifying images that will haunt their dreams for decades, America's finest might get a tummy ache. War is hell.
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And just one more…
JEERS to the grifter class. If you're wondering what's become of the tree from which apple Rand Paul didn't fall far from, get a look at fossilized former congressman Ron Paul, still an internet banner ad star:
If you have an interest, you can watch him read his doomsday prophesies (poorly) off a teleprompter as he hawks subscriptions to a really exciting newsletter that tells you when the financial bombs are gonna fall. But if you look into the company's disclosure statement, Ron Paul's superhuman predictions seem less remarkable when you run into this disclaimer: "A very important warning: we make mistakes. The first thing to know about our business (Stansberry Research) is that we are NOT money managers, brokers, or fiduciaries of any kind.” Hey, that's good to know. ("Hello, Hammacher Schlemmer? Cancel my doomsday bunker.")
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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