chapters:
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Let He Who Is Without Sin Start Writing His Resume
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Mulligans Are Cheaper Than Dispensations
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The Gang That Couldn't Vote Straight
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Fool Me Once, Shame On You. Fool Me Twice, Hey, Look At My New MAGA Hat!!
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A Perfect Storm Of Stupid
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I'm Mad As Hell And I'm Going To Continue To Take It
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Say Hello To My Little Fraud
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Something Wanton This Way Comes
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I Don't Know Facts But I Know What I Like (Stay Birthy, My Friends)
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Group Shrug
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If You're Not Part Of The Saluting, You're Part Of The Problem (Thugs On Drugs)
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Come At Me Bro
Let He Who Is Without Sin Start Writing His Resume
Trump's ongoing criminal organisation, doing business as a government, is incredibly tolerant of malfeasance. Additionally, the Christian Right is unbelievably dismissive of HIS confessed debauchery and ignores the parade of liars and sinners Trump has enlisted for his expanded and bloated swamp, actually claiming that he was installed by God. Recently, Heaven and Hell seem to have a common acceptance of immoral behaviour (hey, there are fine people on both sides). It is as if moral deficiency is a job prerequisite for the Trump Administration, insofar as there are any prerequisite qualifications other than grovelling.
Fun Fact: Shortly after Jesus wrote the Constitution he also posted the Ten Mission Statements on Twitter:
U shl hv no other CEOs b4 me.
U shl nt post memes 2 mock th brand.
U shl nt use th CEO's nme w/o pyng roylties.
Rmbrth Annl Genrl Meetg n kp it prftble.
Honr u Dept Hd n HR Rep.
U shl nt delegate.
U shl nt cmmit side deals.
U shl nt pilfr.
U shl nt b a whstlblwr.
U shl nt covet u nbr's vsted intrsts or THOT.
Mulligans Are Cheaper Than Dispensations
Religious leaders have gotten significantly dumber over the centuries. In the17th Century, it would cost you money to get them to sanction your and their RECIPROCAL hypocrisy with a Papal Dispensation. Now, Trump has gotten these doofuses to stomach his rampant immorality for free in a blatant example of on-demand Moral Socialism.
Just imagine the vast amount of lost revenue from the unlimited supply of career scoundrels willing to assuage their consciences and images with some tax-deductible cash. What a financial cross to bear for a cash-strapped organisation like the Church. So, who's going to support financially the largest collection of buggery aficionados ever assembled in one place?? The travel expenses of ferrying them between churches alone would force them to adopt a vow of poverty, or something. What would Republican Jesus say? No wonder they need the tax-exempt status.
All.it would require for the church to pull in some serious coin is just to suck up a little more mutual hypocrisy and return to that Ol' Time Corruption! And then Joel Osteen could finally afford to move from a Megachurch to a Gigachurch! Think of all of the poverty-stricken people that he could help to get hundred thousand square foot mansions and private jets!
The Gang That Couldn't Vote Straight
The greatest trick that the Russians ever pulled is making the American Tea Baggers believe that Russian hackers don't exist. The GesTeapo refuses to acknowledge any of Trump's ties to Russia and only know of him through his time on “The Apprentchik”, I mean “Apprentice”. Ignorance has become a virtue consciously embraced by the ”erstwhile” Tea Partiers, who have now replaced tea with vodka. Trumpsters laud his willingness to “try something different”, even if it means trying something stupid.
Especially something stupid. Change is as good as a pest.
These are the people who believe that the story of David and Goliath is true, as well as the one about the snake in the Garden who won't STFU but believe that the mainstream media is fake news. The network of Trumpicidal maniacs comprise groups of women who are against women's issues; Latinos against Mexicans and immigration; gays who support anti-LGBTQ legislation. They are the 21th Century OJ jury.
Fool Me Once, Shame On You. Fool Me Twice, Hey, Look At My New MAGA Hat!!
It is well known that the Trump voters are the first to stumble over themselves to get in line at the Carnival to purchase Dr.Suckerbait's Magical Hair Restorer And Carburetor Cleaning Elixir, (did we mention that it also patches your roof and hacks DNC servers?). They will even fall for ludicrous photo ops like the cartoon scene of him tossing rolls of paper towels (Donald Trump: The Quicker Pussy Grabber!) to people in Puerto Rico who actually needed clean water, food and electricity, a stunt that had tremendous idiot appeal. President Pat Sajak missed a great PR opportunity when he forgat to bring a vat of water so lucky contestants could bob for bottles of sun tan lotion. Although, the Trump brand hula hoops seemed to be popular.
Say, maybe Trump can rescue the people of Hawaii, Florida and North Carolina with some more paper towels! I hear that they're great for soaking up messy liquids!
A Perfect Storm Of Stupid
Trump is actually thought to be a genius due to his successful cultivation of the lowest common denominator of human bacteria into a reliable voting block but as I have said many times before, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A GENIUS TO FOOL IDIOTS. As Chief Imbecile Whisperer, Trump has a talent for attracting intellectual black holes into the fold. Trump has never seen a situation that he couldn't make worse, to vigorous applause from his delirious supporters.
Imagine: The office of the leader of the free world was won by a baseball cap! Talk about stealing bases! Don't ever tell me that the collection of knuckle-draggers, university educated dullards and knee-jerk contrarians, that enthusiastically elected that self-obsessed, incompetent sociopath, and would do it again despite what every body now knows about him, are not “a special kind of stupid”. John Cleese was right. They are actually convinced that THEY are the smart ones because of a Catch 22. You would have to be smart enough to know that you are stupid but if you are stupid you aren't smart enough to know it. “What if every body thought that way?” “Then I'd be a fool to think any different.”
Tea Bagger at rally microphone: “What do we want and when do we want it??!!”
Crowd: “ What manner of sorcery is making that loud voice I hear every where?!
WITCH!! WITCH!! BURN HIM!!
How many times have I heard that the American voter is “fundamentally smart”? This cynically pandering statement is usually tossed out by some bargain basement patriot who thinks that virtue is within the exclusive purview of the proverbial man in the street. They simply don't believe that a fascist coup can take control in the US because throngs of inbred Doomsday Preppers would then rise up and somehow not wind up shooting each other, even though they didn't write “Cow” in large white letters on their camo jackets.
I'm Mad As Hell And I'm Going To Continue To Take It
Portable outrage is an extremely useful tool for crowd control. When the villagers are marching on the castle with tiki torches and their fathers’ pitchforks, that is the best time to point out that your opponent in the other castle used an illegal server. Probably in Benghazi. At a pizza joint that serves babies as condiments. I'm getting mad just thinking about it. They don't deliver??!! Being on the internet I expect instant gratification. Of course, like all practising atheists, I try to eat a Christian baby every Sunday, while bowing to face West Hollywood.
Feeble-minded Right Wing hotheads will put up with the continued abuse of their rights if you merely use the simple expedient of agreeing that their rights are being abused, even if you are the one doing it. They don't care if you ever actually get around to doing something about it, as long as you convince them that you are one of them, even though you are NOTHING LIKE THEM. Misery loves absurdity.
Say Hello To My Little Fraud
I have never seen a single human being who lies more than Double Down Donny and this is in the same universe that Mitt Romney exists. Someone needs to tell them that it isn't a competition. If the rabble somehow finally realises that it's Trump who is curtailing their liberties, while pissing on their shoes and telling them that it's a tax cut, he'll just remind them, “Everybody does it, that I can tell you”. They will herald his honesty, hoist him up on their shoulders (having an empty head increases the available load capacity of the upper body) and will gleefully remove the body from Fifth Avenue. Like I said, a special kind of stupid.
Something Wanton This Way Comes
An Ivory-Tower-dwelling, pampered. political dilettante, who reminds everyone of his wealth at every opportunity and gives jobs only to billionaires, amazingly has actually convinced low-income and/or jobless Red State voters that he is a member of their tribe! MAGA: Made America Gullible Again.
To promulgate your control of the population, you don't need vats of Kool-Aid anymore, just a mind-numbingly stupid reality TV show. Trump fans are merely voyeurs of freedom, enchanted by the discarnate visions of heavily-armed unicorns and racist faeries. They are content just to experience a fugitive view of freedom from a distance that will not contaminate their meth-induced, tediously vernacular perceptions of liberty, gleaned from a jingoistic 1940s comic book. They let Trump make overtures to creating their soft-focused, centrefold vision of freedom even though almost everybody knows by now that he will never keep his promises. For anybody that does, I've got a craven healthcare plan designed to siphon your tax dollars to millionaires and a 2000 mile office partition wall to sell you.
I'm surprised that the Administration doesn't hire an out-of-work Trump supporter (dressed up in a Captain America costume while suspended over the stage with a harness fabricated by recycling a piece of a made-in-China suicide net) delivering a sincere-adjacent speech about the government trying to ban your guns, to an empty chair at an NRA rally where organisers actually did ban all guns (but not glaring irony).
I Don't Know Facts But I Know What I Like (Stay Birthy, My Friends)
Trump punctuates every speech with his protest-too-much claim that there was no collusion. Truth is easily defended. Lies need to be over sold. The famous Goebbels' quote says that when you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes truth by rote. My favourite quote from one of the greatest and most cynical political satire shows ever, “Yes, Minister” (later “Yes Prime Minister”) is “Never believe anything UNTIL it's officially denied”.
Trump's army of screeching dung beetles needs his endless parade of over-the-top lies to keep believing, although they never need any proof from him, at all. The Perpetual Devotion machine is easily duped by facile symbolism and they adorn themselves with his simple-minded MAGA hats, those icons of hillbilly heraldry. He will continue vamping for American Fascism to keep his faithful hatriots frothing, which of course creates more large bubbles to live in.
Trump is confident that the well-known “record number of attendees to an Inauguration, ever, PERIOD”, have his back (Warning: Crowd sizes appear larger in rose-coloured mirror). He's probably even planning to avenge that terrorist attack in Bowling Green, Sweden (Er me Gerd). Soon he'll be invading his nemesis, Nordstrum. Medals for the battle eventually to be supplied by IKEA, (some factual disassembly required).
Group Shrug
There is an annoying conciliatory urge (on one side only) just to drop partisan affiliations and start embracing the opposing side's supporters which will only have the effect of normalising the festering Trump infection. There is the ridiculous hope that rabid and merciless social sadists will hug it out if you just show them some respect. These people will only ever want more concessions on your part without offering anything in return, like Kim Jong Un did to “The King of the Deal”. They are Trump supporters precisely because they like his pigheadedness, a shared trait. Here's a suggestion: Tell them that you're willing to compromise on the Confederacy, slavery and open-carrying anti-tank weapons in elementary schools and you won't ask for anything in return, in the cause of Mono-Partisanism. Then tell them that Neville Chamberlain sent you!
These human dregs know that they can use your natural sympathy for others to manipulate you. Each is perfectly willing to hold their breath until you turn blue. To them “turning the other cheek” means showing the other buttock. Listening to their proclamations of a Divine endorsement for the Trump Presidency, (seriously!) they have already elevated him to deity status and when he finally dies they will eagerly gather to worship his Shroud of Urine.
Any staunch “family values” asshole who vociferously defends a racist, philandering, obvious and relentless liar, who has demonstrated repeatedly his duplicity, dishonesty, sadism and that he has absolutely no clue about how to do his job, deserves NO respect. Republicans are now trying to sanitise the image of the GesTeapo by calling them by their genus, “Trump Supporters” and claiming that they are completely different from what you thought that they were. Apparently, they think that you believe in magic, too. That's a difficult re-branding to sell considering this is a group of low-consciousness voters still wrestling with the concepts of bipedalism and object permanence.
If You're Not Part Of The Saluting, You're Part Of The Problem (Thugs On Drugs)
Authoritarianism requires that everybody falls in line and stays there. This is done by creating fluorescent distractions that reliably evoke default patriotism while simultaneously planting the notion that you could be next in line for persecution if you cross the leader's increasingly unhinged base. Trump has even said that failing to clap for his bumbling speeches should be considered treasonous, instead of merely justified. He believes that his supporters, who form about 40% of the population (the majority), will be able to scare away any and every threat to his fascist authority because for the last two years he has been putting these pinheads on a hair trigger for violence. Not that meth-addled shock troops needed much convincing. Make America Cower Again
Come At Me Bro
Trump is spoiling for a military fight, both to prove his manhood but, more importantly, to distract from his legal troubles and vivid example of his moral turpitude. He has a chip on his shoulder, probably one that fell from that thatch of crab grass glued to his head. He was the one who asked, “Why don't we use nuclear weapons more often?” He also dropped the “Mother of All Bombs” just to hear the sound that it would make (applause). He wants to send troops to Iran, North Korea, Venezuela and Steve Bannon. As leader of the Republican Chicken Hawks, who crow the loudest about military aggression after getting multiple deferments from actually serving themselves
The April 2017 Syrian airstrike pantomime, which had no strategic value whatsoever, was gifted to the spectacle-hungry, Red state public to divert attention from the Russian investigation and give the administration a win, duh. It was done with the aid of a patriotism-inducing narcotic known as “Orange Prime Time”. It affects the area of the brain that controls the remote.
Phone call to Putin on the night before the first Syrian attack:
Trump: “Hey, Vlad. I'm going to send some jets to attack that Syrian air base that launched the chemical weapons attack.”
Putin: “What chemical weapons attack? Was bad weather.”
Trump: “Oh, right. Gotcha. So anyway, make sure anybody that can lend me money is clear of the site. Btw, I don't want to tell you your business but you have to ensure that Assad doesn't use chemical weapons to kill beautiful babies again. Maybe just the ugly ones...let's say nothing hotter than a 7?”
Putin: “We know nothing about existence of chemical weapons in Sarin, I mean Syria.”
Trump: “Tomorrow, the missiles shall soar, like my poll numbers...say, can you lend me a few hundred million more? I'll need to give Assad something so I can open a few Trump Towers in Aleppo.”
Putin: “You still not paying back what you already owing. I hear you are having problem paying bills. When trouble is happening you have to wait for check to clear before Secret Service team surrounds you.”
Trump: “I'll hold some rallies to make my wallet great again.”
Putin: “Hah! Da. We have many idiots here, too. See, we not so different. OK. I will make suggestion. He will lose some loyal soldiers but they are a ruple a dozen. As you say in America, “Cat is in the gulag”.
Trump: “Right. Anything you say, Vlad...I mean that. Anything.”
As a media veteran, Trump is fully aware of the efficacy of mindless sequels, so he returned to the well and bombed Syria again. He seems to want to bomb foreign countries only in April, presumably in honour of Hitler's birthday.