Donald Trump, the man who never did a good thing for any other soul in his life, the athletic-ish youth who developed a case of Sudden Onset Bone Spurs when the Vietnam draft rolled around (as so many wealthy young men did) but who was miraculously cured again once the threat of draft was over, the man who is regularly sent into a rage by the smallest of criticisms, the man whose signature headstyle is a decades-long battle to hide a receding hairline, the man who has not so much as held a press conference for over a year due to his crippling fear that reporters will ask unpleasant questions, says he probably would have saved your dead children, America. And we now have a new greatest lie ever told.
"I really believe I'd run in there even if I didn't have a weapon," the president told a meeting of state governors at the White House.
For the record, the list of things Donald Trump has been frightened of include, as far as we can tell, garden steps; tame eagles; reporters; networks other than Fox News; criticism; what America's porn stars have to say about him; and a stiff Florida breeze. The man regularly opines on the need for stiffer laws to protect himself from people insulting him; the evidence he is going to go a-serpentining into a spray of bullets is vanishingly small, compared to the evidence he might, say, sell Alaska to the Russians for three Big Macs and a picture of himself in a Russian magazine.
The sitting president, who would remain an unbelievably stupid man even if he was not a malignant narcissist, also defended his proposal to arm teachers in classrooms, a position he also claims he does not have, by saying he only wants teachers with "a natural talent" for shooting guns, in the same way as someone might have a natural talent for "golf".
He might be drunk. Everyone arounds him swears he doesn't drink, but everyone around him is also a flagrant liar, and everything this man says is something a man might say immediately after his sixth hard drink. Sure, boss, you'd rush the shooter. Sure, some school teachers just have a natural talent for shooting people, just like some people are really good at that sport you do. It's not even noon yet, fella; maybe you should pace yourself.
