From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Collusion Delusion Edition
"[Today] is Flag Day, and it's also our president's birthday. Donald Trump turns 73. He's the oldest president ever. How is Donald Trump only 73? It feels like he's been president since '73. … Melania's planning to hide inside a cake. She's not gonna jump out, though—she's gonna stay in there a couple years until the coast is clear."
—Jimmy Kimmel
"During an interview on ABC he just straight-up admitted that if he had the opportunity to collude with a foreign government again in 2020 he would definitely do it. This guy has no shame. If Trump had been president during Watergate, he would've left a business card at the break-in."
—Seth Meyers
"For the last two years every word out of this guy's mouth was 'no collusion.' He personally dictated the statement about Don Jr.'s Trump Tower meeting, saying it was about adoption, so we wouldn’t know it was about collusion. He spent two years, according to Robert Mueller, obstructing justice so we wouldn’t know the truth on his level of collusion. Then George Stephanopoulos says, 'Hey, if a foreign government wants to collude, would you do it?' 'Sure! I mean, who wouldn't collude? I love colluding! Y'know, if I ever had another daughter I'd name her Colludanka.'"
—Stephen Colbert
"Joe Biden promised that if elected he'll cure cancer. Which explains why just this morning President Trump came out in support of cancer: 'Good cells on both sides, both sides!' He's sick of the media demonizing cancer."
—Conan O'Brien
"Finally, a straight old white man gets a break!"
—Best Actor in a play (Network) winner Bryan Cranston accepting his Tony Award
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, June 14, 2019
Note: Tonight is our first annual Bring Your Evil Clone into the Kiddie Pool Night in C&J. And judging by the current body count, probably our last annual Bring Your Evil Clone into the Kiddie Pool Night in C&J. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Democratic debate in Miami: 12
Days 'til the San Francisco Pride Parade: 16
Metric tons of plastic that will end up in the ocean this year: 8 million
Depth at which the largest concentration of plastic particles are seen, about 4 times what it is at the surface: 200-600 meters
Percent chance that Maine Gov. Janet Mills signed a "death with dignity" bill into law, the ninth state to have such a law on the books: 100%
Trump's highest Gallup approval rating so far, the lowest high of any president in memory: 46%
Richard Nixon's highest approval rating, the second-lowest high after Trump: 67%
Years, as of tomorrow, since my partner Michael smoked his last cigarette: 11
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved!!!
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CHEERS to lowering the shields. The gun industry is allowed to get away with murder, and that's fine with Republicans, who only value life in the womb. Democrats, on the other hand, believe the gun makers should be held to account. And, as Elizabeth warren would say, they have a plan for that:
Democratic lawmakers introduced legislation to end special legal protections for the gun industry and allow victims of gun violence to sue manufacturers.
Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA)and Sen. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) reintroduced the Equal Access to Justice for Victims of Gun Violence Act…to ensure that gun manufacturers, sellers and trade groups are not immune to civil liability in cases of alleged negligence. […]
“Under state and federal law, we require and expect every other industry―whether car makers or drug companies―to act with reasonable care for public safety. But in 2005, after furious lobbying by the[NRA], Congress passed PLCAA to create a special carve-out for the gun industry,” Schiff said in a news conference, surrounded by members of gun violence prevention groups, including Moms Demand Action, March for Our Lives and Giffords. “Responsible actors in the gun industry don’t need this limitation on liability, and the irresponsible ones don’t deserve it.”
The bill would also allow litigants to crack open records kept by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives and use the data in lawsuits. Sadly, the Chris Rock-inspired "Reduce Gun Violence By Charging $5,000 Per Bullet" rider didn’t make it in. [Sigh] Maybe next time.
JEERS to today's boring correction. Based on new information gleaned from an interview with ABC News' George Stephanopoulos, President Donald J. Trump's original position—"No collusion, no collusion"—has been changed. His new position is: Collusion collusion collusion collusion collusion with cheeseburgers and a Diet Coke:
President Donald Trump said that he would accept information from a foreign government on his opponents in the 2020 presidential election and suggested during his interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos that he also wouldn’t need to alert the FBI. […]
“I think there’s nothing wrong with listening. If somebody called from a country [and said], ‘We have information on your opponent.’ Oh, I think I’d want to hear it."
"You don’t call the FBI. … Give me a break. Life doesn’t work that way.”
Fine. Then we'll settle for ten to twenty without parole.
JEERS to the difference between then and now. 86 years ago Sunday, Congress passed the bulk of FDR's ambitious "New Deal" program. When faced with his own economic calamity 75 years later (no thanks to his asleep-at-the-switch predecessor), our current president was met with a wall of GOP resistance in the pursuit of one goal: making him fail. But it was a bit different back in 1933:
Raymond Moley, a member of FDR’s "brain trust," said many lawmakers "had forgotten to be Republicans or Democrats" as they dealt with the burgeoning crisis.
Sen.Hiram Johnson (R-Calif.) said: "The admirable trait in Roosevelt is that he has the guts to try. ... He does it all with the rarest good nature. ...
We have exchanged for a frown in the White House a smile.
Where there were hesitation and vacillation, weighing always the personal political consequences, feebleness, timidity and duplicity, there are now courage and boldness and real action."
The Dem-inspired New Deal was necessary, visionary, humane, functional, morale-raising, and focused on the downtrodden. Or as the modern-day GOP leadership calls it: a stain on our nation's history.
CHEERS to swishing towards Gomorrah. Southern Maine's annual LGBT pride parade and festival is tomorrow, and a record turnout is expected. It will definitely take on a more resistance-oriented tone, given Trump’s assault on LGBT rights over the last two years.
As usual, Michael and I—plus Haley the pooch representing puppy pride—will be marching in a pair of sensible 14-inch stiletto heels and sporting our Gay Eagle Scout badges with the PFLAG contingent. Last night before I went beddy-bye, I got down on my knees and prayed to God, asking what kind of horrible calamity the Almighty was planning to unleash on our sinful, immoral orgy of societal decay at the behest of Franklin Graham, Tony Perkins, Jerry Falwell, Jr. and all the conservative Christian mega-churches. Would it be locusts? Tornadoes? Locust tornadoes??? This is, word-for-word, what I was told: “Bitch, please. Mostly sunny and 75, as usual. Don’t forget your parasol, your sunscreen, and your Axe body spray. Oh, and also your Spanx. Now…sashay your soul away.” A remarkably brief conversation. Usually He never shuts up.
CHEERS to Things That Bounce for $400, Alex. On Sunday’s date in 1844, Charles Goodyear got a patent for better rubber, which would prove wildly successful in the production of tires. When asked if the company could patent a similar substance that would put a bounce in Trump's poll numbers, a company spokesman said, "Hey, we're chemists, not miracle workers."
CHEERS to home vegetation. In terms of TV, it’s pretty much the usual this weekend.
Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow digest the day’s news dump, and then at 10 on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with George Will, Martin Short, Bari Weiss, Eliot Spitzer and Charlie Sykes. New home video releases include the superhero flick Captain Marvel and a reissue of 1965's A Patch of Blue with the kissing scenes between black Sidney Poitier and white Elizabeth Hartman (cut from the movie for theaters down south) intact. The baseball schedule is here. The U.S. Open golf tourney is airing right now on Fox and continues through the weekend. On 60 Minutes: opera singer Ryan Speedo Green and National Geographic photographer Joel Sartore. Sunday night at 10 MSNBC airs Rebellion! Stonewall, produced by PFLAG and Verizon. And John Oliver, who did a terrific call-to-action last week on the Equal Rights Amendment, turns over another rock and peeks underneath Sunday night at 11 on HBO's Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: AOC!!! And more of Trump’s bullshit session with George Stephanopoulos.
Face the Nation: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Beto O’Rourke!!! Mayor Pete Buttigieg!!!
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Jon Stewart!!! Bernie Sanders!!! Also: Secretary of State Mike Pompeo.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 14, 2009
JEERS to James Dobson. The disgraced right-wing Christian wrongmonger, who was played for a total sucker during the Bush years (did he get anything of lasting value from them?), now says that the president who spent eight years sending America off the rails, over a cliff and into a meat grinder is actually an instrument of God. Close, but no cigar, Jimmy. I believe the proper word is "tool."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to stars and stripes 4EVUH. Hope you got your holiday shopping done in time for all the flag lovers on your list—today was Flag Day. It commemorates the adoption of the flag of the United States, which happened on this day in 1777 by resolution of the Second Continental Congress. In case you're wondering, yes, we support your first-amendment right to burn it in protest if your soul hates America...just as we support your right to strap it on to express how much your ta-tas love America. Meanwhile, per federal law, you must say this at least once out loud tonight:
"What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing—it just waved."
And then, bask in the awkward silence.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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